r.i.p.

So tonight I sat here and wrote this long post on how I felt and how I was upset at myself. Then berto called just to chat and its amazing how much perspective he brings to my life. So I kind of edited the post to reflect how I feel tonight...
Tonight I got shaken up a bit. Tonight, me (and then the rest of Facebook community) found out that felipe is officially dating his new girlfriend. In spite of my better judgment I let that get to me. It got to me and then I got so angry for letting myself care. So in order to not let it happen again I tried to understand why I cared and why it got to me.

I thought maybe I cared because his break-up email said "it's not about some girl who is hundreds of miles away". I thought maybe I cared because he promised he wouldn't date anyone since he needed "time to get himself together". I thought maybe I cared because I think he deserves something better or because I dont believe he really will be happy with her. I know that I wasnt upset because I "wanted" him bcuz I know I don't want him anymore and that he cant make me happy.

So I've put some thought into it and I am pretty sure I cared because once again it reinforced to me that the person I used to love is dead. If you look at him, to you he will look just the same... but if like me, you try to see past the everyday stuff, you see that the real person behind it all is just not the same anymore... not everything was perfect but I loved Feli because of how comfortable I felt with him, because from day one we could talk about anything and everything, because we were honest with each other, because we could be goofy together, because he always seemed so in control of himself, because he loved and protected his friends above all things, because he said what he meant and meant what he said. To each other I felt we were honest about our downfalls... how we can take people for granted, how we can be selfish, how he was afraid of commitment and I was afraid of letting work take over. But I also felt we were honest about overcoming those downfalls and being open about our moments of weakness.

The last time I heard my feli was when I called him from the Miami airport. In tears I told him how afraid I was things would change... and just like usual he knew how to put me at ease and make me smile. But since that day the man I knew so well disappeared completely... when I look at felipe now I see a different person. I see a boy who is nothing like the person I knew.
I dont know how he changed/disappeared... it makes no difference how or why. For his own sake, I had hoped that in his 'search' he would find that person again. But now it doesnt seem he will come out again anytime soon. All that is left is a boy I dont know. A boy who I could never be happy with.

So tonight is just another reminder that Im done. That Im happier this way. Next I just need to deal with the fact that Im really disappointed that I let it all get to me. I need to work on not being so harsh on myself.

For now good night.
<3 Pree