when the clock strikes 12 and long after the night falls..

the nights are the hardest... it is in the night that my guards are down, my mind is vulnerable and I am filled with thoughts of you. It is in the night, when all else is quiet, that I hear your voice in my ear, feel your touch on my skin, smell you on my pillow. It is in the night that awake or asleep I cant help but feel you are here under the sheets with me. I could never tell you that most nights, when I am restless in bed, I remember you holding me with your big hands pulling me tight and how you smell my hair before you kiss my neck. Imagining you here still makes me feel safe so I can fall asleep. the nights are the hardest time to forget you...

I wonder if its because for so long you came to see me at night. I wonder if its because so many times you crawled into my bed after I had been asleep. I wonder if its because at night was when we had our innocent and intimate moments. I wonder if its because at night the rest of the world shut down and we could finally spend time together.

the nights are the hardest... because it is the real me. When I come to bed, I put my guards down and its not very hard to see that you are still what fills me up, that right behind the walls you are there... when my guards are down I dont know how to pretend to not love you and miss you and want you.

but the trick is, i need the nights, i need more and more nights, because the more nights i have, the more time that passes, and the easier it is supposed to be.
how i hate to love you this much.

pree

letter to my closest friends

My 2 loves -

Neither friend nor soulmate can describe what you are to me.

I dont even really know how to express how thankful I am for you, for your love, for your unconditional acceptance and patience with me. You have always been remarkable friends - the friends everyone wants to have but can't always find. The past few months were extremely hard for me and yet again you proved how great a friend you were.

With lots of ups and lots of downs. Many times I sounded like a broken record and you listened. Many times I needed a shoulder to cry on, and you let me cry it out. Many times I took up all your time, and you let me. You gave me everything you could because you knew it could help me.

There were moments I couldnt recognize who I was and again you saw my beauty when I was ugly. You love me when I am unlovable. You build me up when I am not strong. These past few months you have been my rock, my coach, my soundboard. There is no greater comfort than to reach out to you because I know you will never judge me, because every inch of me knows that you love me no matter what.

Ayo - You are my life cheerleader; you believe in me more than anyone else and you give me strength to keep on pushing in life.
Christian - you give me permission to be me, but different from everyone else you give me permission to be sad, to feel defeated, to feel weak and once I am ready you help build me up. Unlike others, you have a talent to give me what I need when I need it.

I have been blessed to have you in my life and I hope to be able to bring to you what you bring to me. People who know me say I'm strong, people who met me have said they admire the strength and determination I have. What they dont realize, is that I can't be strong without you. I can't be strong without knowing that I can rely on you if I am ever weak.

I love you.
I couldnt do life without you.
I am eternally in debted to you,
Pree

tracking along...

its been hard to know which way is up lately.

dont get me wrong things arent as terrible as they were - not all the time at least. But then again, i hope we can only go up from here (crossing my fingers). a lot has happened, and nothing has changed it feels like. So i'll make only 2 comments today in hopes that some positive thoughts will get me better and strong...

* I was completely inspired when a week ago a young woman I knew in college turned to me and said "You are the woman who wears a superman cape! if anyone can do it, its you". It also made me feel an awful lot of pressure too which lead to a breakdown a few days later but now its all good.

* I am officially back 'in town' for a long while now. I walked into work on Wednesday and felt "like coming home" and I cant even begin to describe how amazingly happy that made me feel.

relearning the same things time and time again

I accidently ran into one of my blog posts from September 2007. It couldnt seem more relevant - even 2 years later. Maybe the message below is something I will always have to remind myself of. Here is an excerpt...

"I realized a lot of things but my epiphany from today's mass is that sometimes the longest journey is the one with the shortest distance. Sometimes the people who are physically closest to us are the ones we distance ourselves from the most. Usually its not intentional... but if we are not careful, we end up so blinded in our privilege and righteousness, so satisfied with just 'not doing anything bad' that we leave it at that. What we should be doing instead is actively 'working on doing good'... I guess what I mean is that, because we 'think' we arent doing anything wrong its doesnt mean we are doing things right. And we tend to fall into that trap more often when we are close to these ppl (wether its God, family or friends). See, thats how we end up taking people for granted, and after we reach a certain 'distance' we can just end up distancing ourselves forever.

Thats what the prodigal son is about... its not just about forgiving the sinner, but being the sinner and not knowing it. Its when you are close that you dont think of what you are doing... when you are close you think of rightesouly of 'avoiding the bad' instead of doing good and so you passively 'stay on course'. Its almost like you trick yourself into a spot you never meant to be in... the worse part is that usually these are the ones that the fight is the hardest and most rewarding."

- Pree

what do you do?

what do you do when one day the person you want to give your life to doesn't love you anymore?
what do you say when they look at you while you are falling apart inside?
who do you turn to when he is the only person that can comfort you?
how do you find the strength to walk away and build yourself up?

He lights up a fire inside of me that noone else has before. for a year and a half every time I saw him I felt myself overflow with joy and giddiness. he brought out a part of me i love. and now i lost him.

my heart, my body, every inch of my being feels empty. I have so much to give to him and yet i feel hollow inside. now im shattering into a million pieces and it hurts everywhere.

i have so many questions, so many wants, and so little answers or comfort.
im not strong enough.
im not strong enough and while i shouldnt i want to crawl back and beg him to love me because i cant imagine my life without him.

i just want to sleep, sleep for days and weeks and months until it all goes away because i cant be awake when it hurts this badly.