Change: just like being manhandled by the ocean

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." Bernice Reagon

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” - Darwin

I know I am not the only person to have recently experienced drastic change. I've been talking to other who have too and there are things I saw in common... I see a sense of fear, of confusion, of doubt... I personally questioned many of my priorities in life.. I questioned 'Who Am I??' and most discomforting of all whether I had ever known the answer to that "Who Am I" question... but today, talking to a close friend who is going through something similar I understood why we go through this. Here is what I learned these last few months:

Drastic change is so hard to go through - so easy for me to stand on the other end and reflect upon it -- but so hard to muddle through the fear, discomfort, uncertainty and keep your head held high. Unless you've gone through it you dont understand it - at all! So before I tell you waht I learned, I want you to understand what it feels like.

The easiest way I can explain it involves the ocean...
have you ever been to the beach, playing on the waves? trying to ride a surf board? You fantasize about it before you do it, you watch everyone having fun doing it, it seems so easy and so smooth... you see how great it will be and you want it! But when you try it yourself, you get caught by surprise. Somehow you get man-handled by the waves... the force of the waves going in opposite directions knocks you down and the water takes you away, the waves shake you upside down, bring you against the bottom of the ocean and they scratch you against the sand - like a sandboard. The whole time you are swallowing water, gasping for air without knowing which way is up, burning your eyes with salt... you wonder why you ever stepped into the water, what you were thinking... every second feels like an eternity, and you dont have any idea when it will all be over... you have no breath, no control, no more strength... only to be left at the shore chocking, with half your bathing suit missing and wondering what just happened to you.

THAT is the closest I can describe the feelings. So... all change is challenging; some change happens to us(outside of our control) while other change is lead by us (within our control and often driven by our choice). No matter if you have control of it or not, change is still tough and it hurts. When you make the choice to change your life drastically, you make that choice based on what you know about yourself at a given moment in time (while you see all the surfers enjoying themselves). But you dont know what it will be like to go through the change until you are knee deep in it (and eating pounds of sand)... by that point it feels so unconfortable, it is so different than what you had expected it to be, it feels so "wrong" that you start to question your choice... after all, it seems you got into all this discomfort by yourself. You do not see the end of the tunnel. Without having confirmation that you made the right choice you start to question your decisions, you question your judgement, and soon enough you start questioning yourself. 'Who am I?', "What kind of choices do I make?", "How could I have been so wrong", etc... We get stuck and we forget its temporary, we dont know it will get better, we can't catch a breath and there is no knowing which way is up.

It feels terrible while you are in it... but next time it happens you are better about it.. you learn to stand up right away instead of being dragged under by the waves... the surprises dont happen as often and you start to get comfortable. Without noticing it soon enough you too make it look effortless along with everyone else.

Waves can be many things in our life... there is always a chance for something massive to take you down and mess with you.. leave you gasping for air... it is not just relocating from one city to another (like me and a lot of people I know have done)... change happens in all aspects of our lives and in different intensity. But change is always tough and it happens to all of us. We get better at it... with time, with practice, with maturity...

Some people seem to reach out for change... as if we enjoyed this terrible manhandling by the ocean (masochits perhaps!)... I personally believe we see surfers and imagine how great it must be to ride the wave, to feel the wind on your face, so we jump in... not knowing how tough and mean the ocean can be, how you have to earn your stripes before you can ride... so here is my 'kuddos' to you change seekers... I admire you, I salute you, I congratulate you for having the strength in you to make it through... whatever moves you inside, harness it because life can change in a moments notice and keep practicing so when it changes on you, you are ready! When the wave crashes, you wont be dragged through the sand. You will stand and stay strong.

and if it does take us down... i hope we remember that its only for a little while, and riding in the sun with the wind in your face is worth it...

sweet and wonderful dreams,
pree

~~~~more quotations i like to reflect on ~~~
"All serious daring starts from within." Harriet Beecher Stowe

"In life it is more necessary to lose than to gain. A seed will only germinate if it dies' Boris Pasternak, Russian Writer

"In the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself" - 'The Weepies'

"The greatest test of courage on the earth is to bear defeat without losing heart." R. G. Ingersoll

Words and their emptiness

An excerpt from new audiobook I am listening to "A New Earth". Worth some deep contemplation.

"Words, no matter whether they are vocalized and made into sounds or remain unspoken as thoughts, can cast an almost hypnotic spell upon you. You easily lose yourself in them, become hypnotized into implicitly believing that when you have a word to something, you know what it is. The fact is: You don't know what it is. You have only covered up the mystery with a label. Everything, a bird, a tree, even a simple stone, and certainly a human being, is ultimately unknowable. This is because it has unfathomable depth. All we can perceive, experience, think about, is the surface layer of reality, less than the tip of an iceberg.

"The quicker you are in attaching verbal or mental labels to things, people, or situations, the more shallow and lifeless your reality becomes, and the more deadened you become to reality, the miracle of life that continuously unfolds within and around you. [...] Of course we have to use words and thoughts. THey have their own beauty - but do we need to become imprisoned in them? Words reduce reality to something the human mind can gras, which isn't very much. Language consists of five basic sounds produced byu the vocal cords [...]. Do you believe some combination of such basic sounds could ever explain who you are, or the ultimate purpose of the universe?" -Eckhart Tolle

After hearing this I had to pause the CD and really think about its meaning. It seems that writting about it is contradictory to the message so I will keep it short.

How limiting it is to describe ourselves with words... can words ever define who we are? and just by using words, are we limiting our real selves? Yes, it sounds a little esoteric but think about it... when we say we are happy or sad or hurt or disappointed.. are we really? or do we create those feelings within us by simply defining our emotions with those words?

If this is true, it really is mind opening how limiting words can be, and what a prison they can create.

pree

Some wisdom by Jodi Piccoult in 'Handle With Care'

I've been reading a LOT lately. And in all my books I have been finding little pieces of wisdon... be them encouragement, be them a challenge, a laughter or just something to think about. I decided from now on I will capture some of those words in my blog. As a way to remind myself of the many lessons I learn as I devour book after book...

Quotations from Jodi Picoult's Handle With Care which I just read a couple of months ago, and also a few other books I read by Jodi...

* "Fault lines. These are the places where the earth breaks apart. These are the spots where earthquakes originate, where volcanos are born. Or in other words: the world is crumbling under us; it's the solid ground beneath our feet that's an illusion" (Handle with Care)

* "You put someone up on a pedestal, and all of a sudden, from that perspective, you notice what's wrong (...). You spend all your time and energy making it right, and all the while, you are falling apart yourself. you dont even realize what you look like, how far you've deteriotated, because you only have eyes for someone else" pg. 411

* "It was possible that a miracle wasn't something that happened to you, but rather, something that didn't"

"It takes two people to make a lie work: the person who tells it, and the one who believes it." (Vanishing Acts)

* "You make yourself strong because it's expected of you. You become confident because someone beside you is unsure. You turn into the person others need you to be. "(Vanishing Acts)

* "Change is a funny thing. We never are quite sure what we are becoming or even why. Then one day we look at ourselves and wonder who we are and how we got that way. Only one thing about change remains constant...it is always painful"

*"Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall." / "The damage was permanent; there would always be scars. But even the angriest scars faded over time until it was difficult to see them written on the skin at all, and the only thing that remained was the memory of how painful it had been."

"Words are like nets - we hope they'll cover what we mean, but we know they can't possibly hold that much joy, or grief, or wonder." (Change of Heart)

"It is the things you cannot see coming that are strong enough to kill you. " (My Sister's Keeper)

night-night
pree

watchout wat you pray for

As in most mornings after a fun night out, all I wanted was to stay in a vegetative state in bed but today I made myself get up and I go to church. Just walking in made me feel different. The moment the mass began with the music and everyone singing in unison, my eyes were flodded with tears. 'God, I missed you'. The whole mass was a wonderful experience. I felt nourished! For the first time in a long time I felt my cup was being filled. Its hard to explain the way I felt, the things I realized, but since I can't really explain it, I wont try.

However I had a revelation that shocked me. During communion I prayed and in my conversation with God, he reminded me of a prayer I made a year ago - which he has now fulfilled.
Like always, my relationship with God goes in ups and downs. Im absent and then Im present. And last time I was present I turned to God and with my heart asked him to help. The memory was so vivid in my mind today...
"Lord, time and time again I fall away from you. Time and time again I come back and you welcome me back. I dont want to loose you again Lord. I want to stay close to you because you are what is true, you are what is real. So Lord, if I fall away from you again, shake my world, take whatever you need to, bring me crashing down - if thats what it takes to bring me back to you Lord. Dont let me let you go again please"
And here I am... praying at night again, going to church again, begging Him to stay with me day and night... why do I have to loose so much to remember what matters? Why did I ask for this? and why am I not thrilled with how He answered my prayer? It was what I asked for... Now Im going to ask His help on me learning my lesson for good.

Pree

some days are like this

Joshua Radin

Wait right here, Was all she said to me
And so right here I stay
Time has reached our home, And I've been left alone
It's carried her away

And everyone keeps saying
Nothing helps but time
Time is all I own
The time won't stop replaying over in my mind
I watch the hours slow down

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can't take it
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days

Now a year has passed
Alone I stay inside
And I await the rain
To wash away your face
So I don’t have to hide
The sight of you is painful

hates and buts

im getting better but im still hollow inside.
im getting better but i still wake up every morning and check whether im feelings devastated, sad or just ok. Then its just a matter of time until I rotate through the feelings during the day.
im getting better but i still have moments where i blame me for your mistakes.
im getting better but i will never piece myself the same way again.
im getting better but i am afraid to tell you because you may or will just walk away for good.

i hate you can impact me like this. That I let you still have this power over me. I hate that I cant decide if I want to get over you or not. i hate what you've done and what you are doing.
i hate it when i hear you talk yourself out of loving me.

i hate that i would take you back in a heartbeat if you were willing to try and make it work.

i still love you. i dont know if i hate that today.

when the clock strikes 12 and long after the night falls..

the nights are the hardest... it is in the night that my guards are down, my mind is vulnerable and I am filled with thoughts of you. It is in the night, when all else is quiet, that I hear your voice in my ear, feel your touch on my skin, smell you on my pillow. It is in the night that awake or asleep I cant help but feel you are here under the sheets with me. I could never tell you that most nights, when I am restless in bed, I remember you holding me with your big hands pulling me tight and how you smell my hair before you kiss my neck. Imagining you here still makes me feel safe so I can fall asleep. the nights are the hardest time to forget you...

I wonder if its because for so long you came to see me at night. I wonder if its because so many times you crawled into my bed after I had been asleep. I wonder if its because at night was when we had our innocent and intimate moments. I wonder if its because at night the rest of the world shut down and we could finally spend time together.

the nights are the hardest... because it is the real me. When I come to bed, I put my guards down and its not very hard to see that you are still what fills me up, that right behind the walls you are there... when my guards are down I dont know how to pretend to not love you and miss you and want you.

but the trick is, i need the nights, i need more and more nights, because the more nights i have, the more time that passes, and the easier it is supposed to be.
how i hate to love you this much.

pree

letter to my closest friends

My 2 loves -

Neither friend nor soulmate can describe what you are to me.

I dont even really know how to express how thankful I am for you, for your love, for your unconditional acceptance and patience with me. You have always been remarkable friends - the friends everyone wants to have but can't always find. The past few months were extremely hard for me and yet again you proved how great a friend you were.

With lots of ups and lots of downs. Many times I sounded like a broken record and you listened. Many times I needed a shoulder to cry on, and you let me cry it out. Many times I took up all your time, and you let me. You gave me everything you could because you knew it could help me.

There were moments I couldnt recognize who I was and again you saw my beauty when I was ugly. You love me when I am unlovable. You build me up when I am not strong. These past few months you have been my rock, my coach, my soundboard. There is no greater comfort than to reach out to you because I know you will never judge me, because every inch of me knows that you love me no matter what.

Ayo - You are my life cheerleader; you believe in me more than anyone else and you give me strength to keep on pushing in life.
Christian - you give me permission to be me, but different from everyone else you give me permission to be sad, to feel defeated, to feel weak and once I am ready you help build me up. Unlike others, you have a talent to give me what I need when I need it.

I have been blessed to have you in my life and I hope to be able to bring to you what you bring to me. People who know me say I'm strong, people who met me have said they admire the strength and determination I have. What they dont realize, is that I can't be strong without you. I can't be strong without knowing that I can rely on you if I am ever weak.

I love you.
I couldnt do life without you.
I am eternally in debted to you,
Pree

tracking along...

its been hard to know which way is up lately.

dont get me wrong things arent as terrible as they were - not all the time at least. But then again, i hope we can only go up from here (crossing my fingers). a lot has happened, and nothing has changed it feels like. So i'll make only 2 comments today in hopes that some positive thoughts will get me better and strong...

* I was completely inspired when a week ago a young woman I knew in college turned to me and said "You are the woman who wears a superman cape! if anyone can do it, its you". It also made me feel an awful lot of pressure too which lead to a breakdown a few days later but now its all good.

* I am officially back 'in town' for a long while now. I walked into work on Wednesday and felt "like coming home" and I cant even begin to describe how amazingly happy that made me feel.

relearning the same things time and time again

I accidently ran into one of my blog posts from September 2007. It couldnt seem more relevant - even 2 years later. Maybe the message below is something I will always have to remind myself of. Here is an excerpt...

"I realized a lot of things but my epiphany from today's mass is that sometimes the longest journey is the one with the shortest distance. Sometimes the people who are physically closest to us are the ones we distance ourselves from the most. Usually its not intentional... but if we are not careful, we end up so blinded in our privilege and righteousness, so satisfied with just 'not doing anything bad' that we leave it at that. What we should be doing instead is actively 'working on doing good'... I guess what I mean is that, because we 'think' we arent doing anything wrong its doesnt mean we are doing things right. And we tend to fall into that trap more often when we are close to these ppl (wether its God, family or friends). See, thats how we end up taking people for granted, and after we reach a certain 'distance' we can just end up distancing ourselves forever.

Thats what the prodigal son is about... its not just about forgiving the sinner, but being the sinner and not knowing it. Its when you are close that you dont think of what you are doing... when you are close you think of rightesouly of 'avoiding the bad' instead of doing good and so you passively 'stay on course'. Its almost like you trick yourself into a spot you never meant to be in... the worse part is that usually these are the ones that the fight is the hardest and most rewarding."

- Pree

what do you do?

what do you do when one day the person you want to give your life to doesn't love you anymore?
what do you say when they look at you while you are falling apart inside?
who do you turn to when he is the only person that can comfort you?
how do you find the strength to walk away and build yourself up?

He lights up a fire inside of me that noone else has before. for a year and a half every time I saw him I felt myself overflow with joy and giddiness. he brought out a part of me i love. and now i lost him.

my heart, my body, every inch of my being feels empty. I have so much to give to him and yet i feel hollow inside. now im shattering into a million pieces and it hurts everywhere.

i have so many questions, so many wants, and so little answers or comfort.
im not strong enough.
im not strong enough and while i shouldnt i want to crawl back and beg him to love me because i cant imagine my life without him.

i just want to sleep, sleep for days and weeks and months until it all goes away because i cant be awake when it hurts this badly.

men and women needs

I was thinking about my post last night and found some information I thought was quite interesting. Here is an exerpt, the full link to article is at the bottom.

Willard F. Harley, in his popular book His Needs, Her Needs, has given us a great tool to do just that. He identifies the ten most important martial needs of men and women. You may or may not agree with all of them, but they can serve as a good discussion starter:

She needs affection (I agree!) - It symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval. A hug expresses affection. For the typical wife, there can hardly be enough of them.


He needs sexual fulfillment (I agree!) - Just as women crave affection, so to do men want sex. And they don't just want their wives to make their bodies available. They need to feel their wife is as invested in sex as they are.


She needs conversation (totally agree) - Not just talk about her husband's problems or achievements, but about her problems and her hopes. She needs quality conversation on a daily basis.


He needs recreational companionship (not so sure...)- After sex, the need for recreation rates highest for men. He needs time spent in a mutually satisfying activity - whether it is sports, shopping, cooking, painting, etc.


She needs honesty and openness (absolutely yes)- Mistrust destroys a woman's marital security. If a husband does not keep up honest communication with his wife, he eventually undermines her trust and destroys any hope of security.


He needs an attractive spouse (ok)- A man does not need a supermodel for a wife, but he wants her to make an effort to be attractive to him. He wants her to dress in clothes he likes and do her hair in a style that is appealing to him.


She needs financial support (nope)- A husband's failure to provide sufficient income sends shudders through the underpinnings of a marriage. A woman needs to know that her husband is taking care of their family's needs and their future.


He needs domestic support (yeah)- Old-fashioned or not, most men fantasize about a loving, pleasant home where few hassles occur and life runs smoothly.


She needs family commitment (of course)- Wives want their husbands to take a strong role in the marriage and express how important it is to them. They need to see evidence of a strong commitment to family life that is not overshadowed by work or anything else.


He needs admiration (i need to work on this)- Honest admiration is a great motivator for most men. When a woman tells her husband (who has been sweating it out at work) that she thinks he's wonderful, it inspires him and keeps him going.


http://crosswalk.com/community/singles/1206130.html

can life be a fairy tale?

a weird question popped into my head today: Can I be saved? Could I be a damsel in distress? Would a knight in shinning armor rescue me? I dont ask this literaly of course but I wonder... can I be in a situation of predicament that would require a hero to dash and rescue me?

I've tried for a long time to be independent; to be strong; to not depend on others. I dont want to be presumptious and say I am self-sufficient (although sometimes I mistakenly try). But I am starting to wonder if I do need to be more "helpless"?!?! For a relationship to work, do I need to to make him feel needed? Does he have to be given the opportunity to rescue me? I am thinking through all my relationships and I think that it is true. As I look through 'literature', research does seem to confirm men need to feel needed.

While I think about making others feel more needed I wonder... is it that my needy-ness isn't the kind they need? or is it that I am truly not in-need of them?

Is it a question of finding the right balance? Or finding a different person? It seems that making them feel needed it No 1. But how do I get that? I feel I am quite needy as is... just on things that are less tangible to men.

If only there was a dragon... I would know much more clearly where and how to make myself vulnerable and wait for rescuing.

oh life, why are some things so complicated....
pree

fast forward life a little bit, please?

Today I talked to a good friend from a while ago. Although our conversation was short, I thought it summarized well how things are going...

friend: 'So how are you doing with everything?'
me: 'ok'
friend: 'just ok. how can I help?'
me: 'I just need 5 months to pass by. Can you do that?'
friend: '5 months? why is that?'
me: 'because in 5 months I'll be here for 6 months. And at that point I will have a clue whats going on at work, I will be done unpacking my boxes, i will have fixed my place, i will have gotten into a good routine with school, I will have met people and made friends, and my love life will either be fixed or be old history. So yes, I'd love to fast forward the next 5 months'.
friend: 'i will mark that on my calendar and see how you are doing then'


Dont get me wrong, things are not THAT bad. But we all know how I am with my expectations being too high.. i just need to take a chill, go with the flow and let life be. My friend went on to say something I thought was very 'suiting'... "this move is a good thing for you. Its like when you sit on a chair for a long time and you get your butt numb. When you finally get up you feel so weird, the numbness was easier. But then your butt gets better again."

so apparently im a butt. that kinda makes me smile =)
that was a good way to wrap a pretty decent day

pree

ps: had happy hour today to celebrate my promotion. it was cool!

all scattered tonight

just got home from the bars... and its before midnight. I truly am a loser!

decided to finally check in and give a quick update. Life is good. Definitely not great, but good - acceptable. The new place still isnt completely put together yet, work is going ok, school is alright, still havent made a lot of friendship connections. Im considering a community choir.

Now on the rest...maybe its the hormones that have been rushing through me lately, but Ive been quite puzzled about life lately. I'm having doubts about this 'nomadic' lifestyle, about whether I should be in a relationship at all, wondering why i let myself get 20 lbs over my desired weight, why I havent made really close friends since college and a bunch more....

Forgot to mention.. I got promoted :o) I think my new manager was 'upset' that I wasnt super excited about it. I think she is still learning me.. but all in all Im excited about it. I kinda celebrated when I got this job since I saw it as a promotion "as it was". Anyways, now its official.

sorry it was all so scattered....
nighty-night

pree

hooked on TED

if only an 8 ball could give me the right answer

I always thought it took a while for people to change, but maybe I was wrong. I have been completely certain that the bf was the one for me, but he has changed so much this last few weeks that now Im not sure. It is not that he is a different person - not at all. The issue is that he is a different boyfriend.

Things had been a little rocky since I moved away but I thought it was getting better. I saw him last week for a few days and it was amazing as always, we talked and we both thought it was just 'growing pains'. We said we were going to try things differently and find a way to make it work. Fast forward 2 days and we are 'fighting' about the same things again. (I put fight in quotations bcuz with him its never a fight. its just this upset/disappointed/sad feeling that tears us inside no actual anger).

We both say we love each other but I think we mean different things. To me it means Im going to try my best to make this work. But I read into what he says or doesnt say and I dont know that he is trying the best he can. I hear doubt in his voice, I feel him holding back, and even when he talks he gives me excuses - no straight answers. I dont even know to what extent I should really believe his excuses. Yes, there are a lot of things going on in his life right now but for how long will they last? How often will this happen? Are the excuses even real or is he just hidding behind them?!?!

I dont know if he is scared of getting hurt, if he doesnt want this anymore or what is going on. Either of those options break my heart. I dont know that he understands how much he is pushing me away. I am a fighter, but I've learned the hard way that I should not fight for someone if they wont fight for me. So what should I do? Do I fight to keep us strong until he is ready to do the same? Do I give him an ultimatum? Do I walk away from it all together? Do I just give it time and see what happens? What should I do???????????

pree

who took my cheese? seriously!?

This week I brought some yogurt, cereal and string cheese to work. I promptly ate my yogurt but left a few sticks of string cheese in the communal refrigerator - with my name written in permanent marker partially bcz i didnt want anyone taking it and partially bcuz there is a note on the refrigerator door that tells you to put your name on things. Long story short, I opened the refrigerator drawer only to find that SOMEONE TOOK MY CHEESE!

ok, I understand the economy sucks and that people are cutting spending but but who took my cheese?!?!? It even had SpongeBob trivia on it... i was sad not to get to eat my cheese.

On top of it, it was my 2 year anniversary with the company! Great present =o/

thoughts on MBA: part 2

Some of the thoughts that crossed my mind...

- I need to write a list to start tracking potential team mates. on one side: "HELL YEAH!" on the other: "PLEASE NO"
- I totally get the whole "ppl need to shut up so others can talk" thing. I am starting to hold back bcuz I really like hearing other ppl.. often more than hearing myself! amazing how much u can learn.
- Do people really not know how to use excel?
- Do the readings matter? or not?
- This is really your first time buying a laptop? wow!
- i forgot that i kinda like school (as in classes)

now, back to work =P
pree

2 weeks down, a bunch more to go...

I've been here for 2 weeks. Time for status update on the love life.

I was pretty confident before I came down that bf&pree would still be crazy enamorated regardless of distance. But now im not sure whats going to happen to my relationship. A couple of nights ago for the first time ever I thought that maybe the bf and I wouldnt really work out. It was such an empty feeling (and yet familiar). Some of these thoughts I am too embarassed to tell him, but I need to let them out somewhere or they will just simmer in my head. So this is my venue of choice...

"Honestly the bf needs to get his butt in gear. Is my will power enough for the 2 of us? Does he want this relationship to work? How is he showing that? This is the time to track him - where do I draw the line between 'benefit of the doubt' and 'no way Jose'? What is he giving/sacrificing? Does he have to sacrifice? Do I want him to sacrifice for me/us? No. Absolutely not.

I just want my needs met - I need to feel loved, feel secure, confident that he is committed to me and us! That is just so selfish. But you know I do deserve someone who will pamper me. Now I get a feeling he doesnt do that. So what does he do for us? Lately whatever he is doing is not meeting my expectations. We will have to have a heart 2 heart on the subject.

Maybe Im too honest, maybe Im too oepn, but you know if I say to win me you need A+B+C, if you dont at least give that tactic a shot then you are telling me Im not worth you. And I AM WORTH IT my friends! I am!

Okay, get off the high horse priscila. go to sleep."

alright, its bed time.
pree

thoughts on first day of MBA

1. Class breakdown: 80% men, 20% women. Feels like engineering school and NOTHING like work.
2. People seem to fall in 2 extremes of the travel spectrum: one group is from here and has always been here, and the other seem to be running away from something they've been to so many places
3. Taking responsibility for my own learning is going to be hard
4. Just like in Ohio, EVERYONE is married and love their kids (whether offspring or dogs)
5. It seems they are expecting us to hit rock bottom at some point and will need their help to come crawling out
6. I gotta stop psyching myself out for nothing!!
7. Personal life. Good bye.
8. Wow... Im actually going to learn something that will be applicable to work. Thank God!
9. I gotta learn to speed read or I'll never make it...
10. Engineers are SO stuck in their own world. "Hi. My name is xyz and I did in undergrad". Guess what half our class doesnt understand what that means!

Off to class...
Pree

"What's Your Myers-Briggs Personality Type?"

Result from Facebook app. I didnt want to add the application to my profile so just pasting results here...

ENFJ (Extraversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Judgment)

You are warm, empathetic, responsive, and responsible. You are highly attuned to the emotions, needs, and motivations of others. You find potential in everyone, and want to help others fulfill their potential. You may act as a catalyst for individual and group growth. You are loyal, and are responsive to praise and criticism. You are sociable, facilitate others in a group, and provide inspiring leadership. Famous people with your same ENFJ personality include: Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, Dick Van Dyke, Diane Sawyer, Peyton Manning, Pete Sampras, Johnny Depp, and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

first day - mixed feelings

Almost in front of my house there is this really tall radio/tv tower that you can see from at least a mile when you turn into my street. I saw that tower on my way home today and I couldnt be happier... but that last mile never seemed to end.. I just wanted to be home so badly. Today was my first day, and almost the whole time I wanted it to be over already.

So my day wasnt terrible, but it sure wasnt 'great'. I was looking for a nice starting week - get settled in, set up my desk, have my onboarding meetings, have some training. Instead, I was running from meeting to meeting trying to prepare for this 'BIG meeting' tomorrow - almost didnt have lunch. So yeah, I know I have no right to complain but I wish I had come home from work and felt 'awesome' which didnt happen. Lets see how tomorrow goes.

I really need to start preparing myself mentally for THE curve (click for picture). If I can prevent what I felt back in 2007 in any way, I sure want to.

On happier news, movie night tomorrow night!

tata for now,
pree

back again

Big life changes are happening... I get a sense my emotions will be in a roller coaster ride for the next 6 months at least. Im hoping this can be a place where I can reflect on this "thing" I got myself into.

The 30 sec update on my life so we all know where things are:
- I just moved from Cincinnati to Fayetteville, AR for a new assignment for work. I requested the assignment. This should only last about 2 years then I go back to Cinci.
- The bf and I are still together so going to give long distance a shot.
- I bought a house :o) today is my first night sleeping in the new house.
- Im going to get my MBA while Im in NWA (northwest arkansas).

How am I doing/feeling? Too many words to describe... excited about this great career building opportunity, eager to explore a new part of the country, hopeful about the learning experiences, anxious about making new friends, afraid of the long distance. And yet, it hasnt "hit me" yet.

More to write later. Going to finish clearing out the bed and then its off to sleep as I go into work for the 'first' time tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

its the little things that i like

Fun thing today I learned today... Chinese symbols to the women's vs men's restroom. Bcuz aparently a stick with a skirt isnt as universal as i thought it would be. Oh these expectations I didnt know I had. Off I go.

throdding where the sun rises

Alright, its weird. Its about to be dawn where I am... and its not even nighet *yesterday* yet where you are reading this (in case u read my blog, that is). So here I am awake at sleeping hours and for the first time ever in China (Beijing or Peking). WOW. What a different world and yet not.

This is the most different place I have ever been in... I obviously dont look like I fit - and everyone can spot me out as a tourist even without the camera and map. I sure dont stand a chance of understanding ANY of the language. It is so modern and yet so ancient. This place has a LOT of history.

I am here for a whole week of work but had a chance to go sightseeing yesterday for a little while. It was an experience which I have mixed feelings about. To get the basics down first... I visited:

• the Forbidden City which was the imperial palace of the Ming and Qing Chinese dynasties and called that because as my Lonely Planet guidebook puts it "Entrace without an invitation was priced at your life, today its only $$". It took hours to go through it all as it really is a whole city within those walls... really neat though! And beautiful buildings named things like "Hall of Supreme Harmony" and "Palace of Tranquil Longevity". Pictures are on facebook.
• Tiananmen square, is an enourmous square in the heart of Beijing. Here is where several important historic moments took place (such as the proclamation of the establishment of the People's Republic of China). The square has its name bcuz of the Tiananmen Gate (Gate of Heavenly Peace) at the north of it. There are monuments and museums around the square. Oh, they say the square is nice to just sit out... yeah, not in the winter.
• the Temple of Heaven Park which was the place where the emperors who lived in the Forbidden City would go to make their sacrificial offerings in other to bring good harvest. The architecture is outstanding - and much of it is an engineering marvel as some of the structures have no supporting pillars. The place is breathtaking.

Now the architecture was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. There is attention to every single detail, and symbolism beyond comprehension. Really neat! I loved seeing all these places and learning more about the history and culture of China - bcuz if there is one thing I know for sure is that I am so ignorant about it. I just never had real curiosity about the world over here until about a year ago when I read 'Snow flower and the Secret Fan' and 'Peony in Love'... I had always been facinated with the Roman Empire and Greece so when I visited there a couple of years ago I knew what it meant to be standing where I was. Here in Beijing its a little different, I have to do more research and only after do I start to comprehend the significance of things. It is amazing to discover a new world.

Now, the not as great stuff... yesterday was hard and I almost just wanted to go back to the hotel and watch movies. How embarassing! How ignorant! How terribly wrong of me! I have the opportunity of a lifetime and the thought of wasting it is just repugnant. Not that I should make excuses but I think I felt that way because of the utter bitter cold (windy, the 16F/-9 C for most of the day) that burned my skin and left my fingers immobile and in pain all day. It may have been that I was constantly accosted by people ("Art Students") trying to scam me, and by constantly I mean every 20 minutes no joke. It may have been that I understood absolutely nothing (the language, the signs) and it felt that noone was trying to help me. It may have been that I got TOTALLY lost within less than 5 minutes of leaving the hotel. It may have been the jetlag...

As long as it wasnt that Im getting old, boring and not liking change/new-ness. As long as its not that I am ok not learning more. Because THAT is NOT the person I ever want to be.

Anyways.. the sun is about to rise over here. Its time to get ready for work... and dont uknow it, Im tired and want to take a nap. Oh life!

Off I go

just my luck (yay!)

Never did I think that when I took this job out of college that it would help me fulfill some of my travel dreams so soon. Yes, when you join they say "there is a possibility of travel" but you dont get your hopes up because after all driving to Chicago every couple of months is nice but wears on you but boy oh boy! Last summer it was UK, Ireland and France at no real cost to me (other than personal expenses)... now its London, China and Japan. I will blog about it in the coming days.

pree

a good laugh at work

Random body statistics (these are unverified). But could be good to include in a presentation such as "What do you mean you don't think you can handle it? Did you know a human hair can support 6 pounds? You've got a full head of hair, imagine how much you can handle."

- It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach...
- One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

the more things change the more they stay the same

Another year is over... wow! So much happened in 2008. My family has relocated itself to a different continent, I feel that I am much 'older' than I was before, I have a wonderful person who I am now sharing my life with, I am no longer the most junior person at work, I am not as freaked out about the cold weather, I have some new friends I am really happy with...

But I look back at where I was last year, and I feel that not that much has changed in me. Just like last year I want to focus on life changes, habit changes, being healthy, being balanced, having just enough happiness and just enough sadness... I feel Ive made progress forward, not as much as I wanted but definitely progress.


But another year begins... a year that I hope will be even better than the one that just passed.

Anyways... off to catch some sun.

Will write later about:
- Recap of the holidays
- Top 10 memories from 2008
- Travels for the year

tata for now...
Pree

PS: The only new plans are that I hope this year I will save more money too.