As in most mornings after a fun night out, all I wanted was to stay in a vegetative state in bed but today I made myself get up and I go to church. Just walking in made me feel different. The moment the mass began with the music and everyone singing in unison, my eyes were flodded with tears. 'God, I missed you'. The whole mass was a wonderful experience. I felt nourished! For the first time in a long time I felt my cup was being filled. Its hard to explain the way I felt, the things I realized, but since I can't really explain it, I wont try.
However I had a revelation that shocked me. During communion I prayed and in my conversation with God, he reminded me of a prayer I made a year ago - which he has now fulfilled.
Like always, my relationship with God goes in ups and downs. Im absent and then Im present. And last time I was present I turned to God and with my heart asked him to help. The memory was so vivid in my mind today...
"Lord, time and time again I fall away from you. Time and time again I come back and you welcome me back. I dont want to loose you again Lord. I want to stay close to you because you are what is true, you are what is real. So Lord, if I fall away from you again, shake my world, take whatever you need to, bring me crashing down - if thats what it takes to bring me back to you Lord. Dont let me let you go again please"
And here I am... praying at night again, going to church again, begging Him to stay with me day and night... why do I have to loose so much to remember what matters? Why did I ask for this? and why am I not thrilled with how He answered my prayer? It was what I asked for... Now Im going to ask His help on me learning my lesson for good.
Pree
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