blessed broken road

Let me begin by saying that I am completely and utterly fucked up. Seriously, I am broken and I am just not sure how (or even if) to fix 'me'. I feel like everything is just fine but then again it might just be this exact moment and everything will come crashing down again in a few hours.

Regardless of everything I have said or am about to say, these past few weeks that I have been in Cincinnati have been good. I have been happy but it has also been tough on me. If you are reading this and you know me, you will soon see how not like me this all probably seems.... But I feel like if I put it in writing than maybe it will all leave my head and maybe I will get some peace.

In spite of all the free time I had, I tried my best to occupy myself. It wasnt easy at first but I got a routine and was able to keep myself moderately 'entertained'. My days have been more and more positive but every few days the crappy moments just got too strong. It usually started with something stupid like seeing Lady on my bed, or loosing my keys, or missing being touched, or braking yet another glass and somehow it avalanched into so much more... it was anger, hurt, anxiety, loneliness, fear, disgust, disappointment. Every time the more I tried to fight it, the worst it got... I tried giving into it and letting my emotions run wild, when that didnt work I made attempts at all sorts of self-soothing... I tried taking showers, reading books, listening to music, breathing, laying, sitting, standing, pacing, exercising, eating, watching tv... but whatever it is that took over me, won every time. Everytime this happened I basically spent almost an hour crying, being angry, being so upset to the point that I got headaches and had a really hard time breathing... usually it went away either as randomly as it appeared or I ended up crying myself to sleep. Everytime I felt so desperate and so utterly alone. Since I got here I have had at least 4 or 5 of these 'episodes'. I try not to repeat routines or do things that might make it all come back... Right now I feel stupid saying all these things, but it really scared me. I thought it was all done and over with... but last night it hit me with a vengeance. I was terrified of going to work, of having made the wrong choice, of not fitting in, I felt it was me against the world and that I just wouldnt make it... how ridiculous is all that?! But at the time it felt real, in spite of me knowing better it still took over me.
The worst part of it all is that when all this happens I look at myself and know "This isnt me. I am Pree. I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am happy. I will overcome this. It will all pass. God is with me." but the negative stuff still controls me... and that makes me even more angry. Then I doubt if I have ever been strong, or in control of me... and the doubt makes me wonder what else I have gotten wrong... which makes me feel that I dont know myself at all and that my world will reveal itself as a big fat old hairy lie... which in turn makes me so scared to loose it all alone... which makes me lonely... which makes me miss all of you... and then I look at me and say "this isnt me..."

Yesterday talking to Michelle about God was the only thing that made it all go away... long story short I feel that all of this might be my fault... I think God is just giving me what I asked for. See, a few years ago I was really close to God. I was so happy and felt at peace in spite of some really big challenges in my life. I put my trust in him and asked for His will to be done, because I knew (and still know) that He is just and that His plan for me is filled with happiness and peace. Since then things have changed... I went to church and prayed but I was just going through the motions... I was blabbing, but I wasnt talking to Him. But this whole time Ive still known how intimate prayer is, Ive known how blessed my life has been, Ive known that He is with me. This whole time I havent blamed Him for my 'misfortunes' because I know I am and have always been largely responsible for the bad things in my life. But during these last 4 years that I have been distant from Him, my most intimate moments of prayer might have not fallen in def ears - and thats my problem... Ive been wanting to take those prayers back. A few weeks ago I felt so torn I finally opened my bible just to find in my own words and writing the prayers I utter so passionately every few months. Basically it boils down to 1) being so overfilled with gratitude for the blessings in my life that I willingly accept to have it all taken away and promise to still praise Him because I am not worthy of all the happiness Ive already had and 2) wishing so desperately to have stronger faith again that I have asked for God to do whatever it takes to bring me to turn to Him again, even if it means that I must fall, even if it means loosing myself completely, because a life away from Him is not a life I could really be happy with.

So maybe my world shifting under my feet and all this pain is God's way of bringing me back to the right path, maybe its just Him answering my prayers. And so I need to just learn to give my troubles to Him once again... to trust Him to lead me... because there is never love without trust... so I must trust Him. After all he knows what plans He has for me... "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord " plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer 29:11). I used to believe this with every inch of me... and I think I still do.

You may think that Im just being stereotypically catholic and using religion to justify/excuse my life. You are entitled to your opinion. But in the end of the day, when I am tired and torn its been prayer that has ended my tears... its been mass thats made me feel whole... I wouldnt have made it these last 3 weeks without Him giving me the strength I pray for every night.


I dont remember ever being this scared before... I dont usually come out and show my weaknesses like this... only those close to my heart get to see me this vulnurable. But being so tough all the time has always taken its toll on me... as Im sure it does on you. But maybe this is what I need to do... to come out in the open and share my fears and love with anyone who bothers to read... maybe by shedding everything, nothing bad will cling to me anymore... and I can head down the right path once again.

<3 Pree

PS: I hadnt intended for this to go this way... or this long... If you actually read this and you were looking for a recap on how my first day at work went, I will tell you tomorrow... promise. For now... rest time. This was emotionally draining.