epiphany

I went to mass today and I felt it was tailored just for me... I have heard the readings about the prodigal son and about the lost sheep and the lost coin many times before, but I never heard them addressed like i did today... and its made me think a lot tonight...

I realized a lot of things but my epiphany from today's mass is that sometimes the longest journey is the one with the shortest distance. Sometimes the people who are physically closest to us are the ones we distance ourselves from the most. Usually its not intentional... but if we are not careful, we end up so blinded in our privilege and righteousness, so satisfied with just 'not doing anything bad' that we leave it at that. What we should be doing instead is actively 'working on doing good'... I guess what I mean is that, because we 'think' we arent doing anything wrong its doesnt mean we are doing things right. And we tend to fall into that trap more often when we are close to these ppl (wether its God, family or friends). See, thats how we end up taking people for granted, and after we reach a certain 'distance' we can just end up distancing ourselves forever.

Thats what the prodigal son is about... its not just about forgiving the sinner, but being the sinner and not knowing it. Its when you are close that you dont think of what you are doing... when you are close you think of rightesouly of 'avoiding the bad' instead of doing good and so you passively 'stay on course'. Its almost like you trick yourself into a spot you never meant to be in... the worse part is that usually these are the ones that the fight is the hardest and most rewarding.

I never thought that being the prodigal son would seem easier than being the one who stays and is faithful in word and deed to his father. Maybe this is why I feel converts have much stronger faith than those who are born and raised in the faith.

Maybe Im totally wrong about all this, but they are making me think. I am starting to love this church... this priest is really good.

<3 Pree
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Some of the other things I realized after church were:

* Sometimes I do things that make me proud, so proud I surprise myself. When that happens I attribute it to luck... Sometimes I've done things I've regretted so much that its made me wonder if I ever really did them or if it was all a nightmare. When that happens I tend to beat it over my head for ever. What I dont know what to do is when the same thing makes me feel proud and regret all at once. How can you regret something you are proud of? or how can you be proud of something you regret?

* When I pray I say "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". So I forgive you, God forgives me (and you)... but then when do I forgive me? I never pray that I forgive myself. I think I need to start praying for that because I dont know how to forgive myself. I still have a lot to work on...