clean up on isle 5

i broke the rules AGAIN... I had dinner with felipe today. I told him shit I promised myself not to tell him. I cried yet fucking again. I used the L word. Whats the point of scrapping myself off the floor if ill just kick myself down again... whats the point of showing him i give a shit if it has gotten me nowhere?... whats the point of even trying to open up and let him (and a whole restaurant) see me vulnerable? oh yeah! "hope" - that lame ass thing that justifies getting out of bed every morning. hope that today is the day ill stop hoping and will know that its all been worth it.

Anyways... I wish I could say dinner was what I expected, but in all honesty I don't even know if I had set expectations. I cried more than I wanted/hoped but w/e. Dinner was more of a means to an end... I want to get to "happy place together" soon. Over and over Ive felt that "shielding each other" was a load of crap and that "open and honest communication" was a must to get there. Was it open and honest? uh debatable... Are we there yet? No... Was it worth it? Yes.

A few not so great things... Obviously 'sorry' or 'i would take it all back if i could' arent things that came out of his mouth... because after all saying it once was enough for him. Im sure he 'feels' those things and because of it I have tried hard to forgive and forget. But damn sometimes i wish remorse looked that carefree on me too. Most important though... I cant believe he still wont tell me the truth... Ive asked so many times. I should have known better than to believe him when the other night he promised he would tell me on monday... as a matter of fact he promised that without me saying anything he would come over to hang out and he would bring it up. Needless to say... it didnt happen. So today when I ask for the gazillionth time for the truth what do I get? Oh yeah.. no response! Big surprise.

Speaking of surprises... or lack of... he didnt talk much. But thats him... and that part i remember well. He did say a few things that made things better. Also I heard something in his voice that said ;im trying' instead of the usual 'when is this going to be over' which gives me hope... bcuz in the end all we can do is try our best. Overall it had a lot of good things... there are still some words that I need to work on swallowing... "i promise" / "i care" / "i meant to call"... he means no harm when he says them but the red flags still go popping. I am trying to accept them and Im sure soon it will be easier. I really am glad we talked... I want to be friends. I want to make progress. I think he liked spending time together too. He "invited" me over on Thursday.

Best part of the night... getting a good look at his crotch (j/k... thats just for u felipe).
No... spending time together in general was good. But honestly best part was everything before we actually talked about any of the "less than pleasant" stuff. He told me about work and Cincinnati and stuff. I just love it... I love just doing nothing together. Just chatting about anything and everything. I wish we would do that all the freaking time. Just spend time together chatting and laughing. I love how "at home" it can still feel.

I dont understand why i bother but in the end of the day... i love him. Sometimes I hate myself for even caring, but you know... I do. i actually give a damn, i actually worry whether he is happy with 'her' and with work and with his roommate. So maybe i can just embrace that somehow and learn how to love him for who he is, and not who i think he could be. I clearly expect too much of ppl... he is a good person. I wouldnt have given so much for him if he wasnt. I should just be more realistic.

c'est la vie!
<3 Pree

PS: I should have known better than to think of all this last night... i dreamt of felipe all night long... argg