just another Monday

take 2

apparently my friday nights are now to be spent sleeping... yet again, I fell asleep shortly after I got home from work only to wake up at 6AM on Saturday. Since I had just gotten home from work, my phone was on silent so I missed tons of calls/texts and Friday night plans. However, it seems I did need the sleep. This past week was really demanding and I didnt really accomplish much which has made me feel like crap. Thats what happens when you are that personally committed in your job... I just let it get to me, and then things dont fare so well. But Im glad I got my rest... the day is rising and it seems that its going to be a good one.

The waking up early was actually really good bcuz I caught my parents before they left for London and hence I was able to tell my mom Happy Mothers Day.

So it turns out that one of the many perks of my job is International Travel. I am getting my info together now, but I will be spending 2 weeks for work in the UK. Manchester and London. It should be fun seeing that when I was there last summer I had almost cashed out by the time that I got to London. The best part is that, if you remember, my stepdad is going to be living in London already so I can see him; and even better my mom/sisters/grandma/aunt will all be vacationing in France the following week. What that means is... I can just hop on the chunnel and meet them in Paris for a few days before I come back to the US.

Anyways... off I go to figure out what side trips to take during my three weekends in Europe.

Power of the Preposition

Yesterday I had my weekly 1-on-1 with one of my coworkers. The main goal of these meetings are for us to keep each other on the loop and get any help we need. I thought everything was fine and dandy seeing that I had spent quite some time getting her the info she had asked for.... but within 15 seconds of our meeting starting she gave me a disclaimer that basically meant 'put on your thick skin because here comes my mighty roar'. Well, although she said a million times and thought she was bitching TO me, she was really bitching AT me. It made my really good day really crappy really fast.

Highlights of the bitching... her accusations:
- 'I dont understand why you are holding back information from me',
- 'No matter what, you are not helpful',
- 'You dont cooperate',
- 'Do I have to go to X and Y (my managers) to get things working?'
- 'You arent letting me do my job'

But what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off was this stupid and patronizing comment 'You are not set up for success, its just too much for you to handle' and this attitude of 'poor you, you just shouldnt be expected to do all that'. Really? SHUT UP LADY! Dont assume I cant do my job because quite frankly no matter how long you've been at the company, you've known me for 2 weeks and you have NO idea what Im capable of.

I understand she is stressed because she wants control, wants to understand and isnt able to... I get it, but guess what? Thats how this project works... DEAL WITH IT! Ive learned to adapt, what makes you think anyone will make special rules for you? If it depends on me, you will have to change just like I did. Its the right of passage.

I know Im bitchy about it now but how did I behave in the midst of all this 'constructive' feedback? Really well. Well-composed, not defensive, and I listened. Yeah getting the short end of the stick without deserving it ruined quite a bit of my day and productivity, but Im glad I know I can take it and she just lost credibility with me.

bitching at me? my ass. Go bitch at someone else. If I dont get an apology, none of me jumping through hoops for you from here on.
I cant handle my work?! You have no idea who you are dealing with.

bcuz sleeping in is overrated?

It is 6AM on a Saturday morning, why would I be sitting here blogging you may ask me... oh! See thats what I ask myself too. Between not much sleep, too much work and some frustration I got home yesterday at 5 (yup, got home at 5) showered and decided to lay down for a "few" minutes. It is now Saturday early morning... I slept 12 hours straight. Its a blessing! Its a curse too seeing that tonight ill get tired super early...but at least I get a chance to catch you up on some of my life seeing that the rest of the world is rightly asleep.

Big things first, I had my six month review at work this week; no big surprises. Went pretty smooth even though I was sure one of my managers was going to be in a crappy mood but he wasnt. The main thing I apparently need to work on is 'business maturity'. What the heck is that?! They gave me examples, and went around in circles reminding me that I should still bring myself to work... cant they just say XYZ you do sucks, change it? No... they have all this p.c. and flowery discussion so I have to sit here and try to figure out what they mean by it bcuz for sure my review in July will involve improvement in that area. There I go missing R again, he is the only person I can think of that would talk to me about how I can be successful at work.

On another work note, the next 2 months are going to be a total and utter bitch. Between all the research and travel I'll have to do, and all the stress that everyone else is going to be under, life isnt going to be fun. I already know my weekends will be owned. Im planning on starting going in at 7 so I can actually leave at a decent hour. I should get a damn raise if I make it through the next few months... perk? I may be going to the UK on their dollar AND I can extend and make a vacation out of it too :o) dying to see Spain.

Now on to the personal life... or whatever of it I still have left. Happy because its summer; Im gonna eat more veggies and fruits and grill outside and have lots of after work happy hours. I am looking forward to summer day trips and white water rafting. All the great festivals will arive and I will be happy too.

Love life, seems to be going in the positive direction (which is a tad scary) and Im gonna make the most of it. Its making me laugh and smile (and be unproductive at work) and brings all that non-necessary stress that I bring to my life. But its fun!

But friends, that department isnt doing so well for a little while now.... it turns out Fourth of July plans are shot! Can you believe that? Its our ONE tradition and we arent doing it? :o( Its karma for me skipping last year. Things with 58 are pretty darn good, Sasquash and I are getting farther apart and its freaking me out, MRX and I are actually real friends which is amazing, Slippers and I havent really talked in almost a month... friends here in Cinci are okay - that same old struggle, I try and try but it seems the kind of friends I want is not the ones they tend to be, so Im learning to deal with that. Strawberry is the only one I can really count on, and even she I havent been seeing much. Cant have it all I guess.

Anyways... off I go have some breakfast and a good read of my new book...

Pree

random thoughts

- i think my gyno lives in my building. Kinda not important, but kinda weird!!! As I was walking to my car this morning I saw him, and did a double take! How weird! I know he is not thinking of my unmentionables (at least i hope he is not) but its kinda weird...

- i got a present today! true i got it myself, but it was so nice to come home and find my usps sitting at my door!!!

- i got dave mathew concert tickets last weekend. I sit on the fence on dave, but everyone says he is so great in concert. Today I found out his concerts at river bend used to suck a few years because of some issues he had with River bend... bummer! Couldnt I have heard this a week before... it better be good.

- work is kicking my butt... im drinking and drinking this wknd.

pree

yay for fridays

( I had this long and relatively humorous post but my browser crashed and I had to start from scratch... AHHHH!!!... so this post is just a quick recap without all the fun and spunk)

Im so happy its Friday!

This week was training week at work which means that I got to spend everyday with my class (YAY!) but work didnt stop so I had to work at night and have tons of stuff to do this wknd.... on a happier note, I got my car back (looks gorgeous!), got back into going to the gym, went to dinner at this new place 'Nada' (an upscale mexican restaurant/bar) and went to Tropicana for Salsa night yesterday til past 2AM! Other stuff happened this week, but that iwll have to wait for another day.

Alright.. its nap time! There is no way I'll be able to hold myself together tonight if I dont take on a vegetative state for a few hours =o)

Got figure out plans but Im stocked about the weekend!

pree

Murphys Law at work

Anything that could possibly go wrong, did... no, not true. I have no doubt that things can get worse, they can always get worse. But seriously, I have been 'in transit' for the last NINE hours.

It all began with some 'hightened' security in the CVG airport because of a threat earlier on Tuesday. Going through Security Clearance was harder than getting an appointment at the gyno (which has a 3 month lead time), and let me tell you it was almost as bad.

Flight was delayed slightly, connecting flight in Detroit was delayed slightly.... we get on the plane, it pushes off, we head to the runway but suddenly the pilot turns off the engines. We waited for 20 minutes for take off clearance from Chicago. Yes, we couldnt leave Detroit because Chicago said they had too many planes flying in and we had to be bumped to later. After waiting the 20 minutes, they make us wait another 25, then we finally take off.

Im glad I didnt eat at the airport, because if I had the passengers around me would have gotten a good look at my dinner. The flight was SO bumpy that I actually pulled out the little vomit bag (just in case). We approach Chicago but the pilot tells us we have to circle around for 20 minutes because we are on queue.

When its finally our turn, the pilot starts his crazy descent... the plane is shaking up and down, to the sides, completely out of control. I look out the window and see nothing but white (and some shining lights). Im exhausted... the wheels are lowered, we are getting close, we are finally in Chicago! But wait... the plane kicks up and starts going higher. It retracts the wheels... Im angry that we are going to spin around waiting some more but the pilot comes on and says "Sorry folks, as you can see we didnt land. We lost stability around 6 miles away and with the storm couldnt regain it. Also, visibility right now is zero. We dont have enough fuel to keep on circling and waiting for the storm, so we are going to Minneapolis."

After the additional 50 minute bumpy ride, we arrive to a windy city and NEGATIVE FOURTEEN degrees (without windchill factor). We get off... I am wearing clothes for 35 degrees (not -14). Tired, angry, cold... I receive a voucher for hotel, dinner and a rescheduled flight. The icing on the cake... I am also not allowed to get my suitcase.

So here I am... too angry to sleep, sitting (and sleeping) on the same clothes Ive worn almost all day.

The hotel... a Days Inn. It doesnt even begin to compare to the W in Downtown Chicago which is where I should have been.
The dinner... its a 13$ voucher, that is only accepted by this obscure place near the hotel that is taking 45 minutes to deliver. Watch out with the feast now, dont go spending the whole 13$ at once.
And now... for my rescheduled flight... according to the airline I wont be arriving in Chicago til noon tomorrow. So the plan is to wake up in 4.5 hours (at 5 AM Central) and go wait at the airport on a wait list for every flight that leaves before mine.

All this crap makes me feel that much more alone... call me drama-queen, but it feels like shit when all this crap happens and I get to sit in this old hotel, have noone to report my 'arrival' to and have no voicemails...

You can never deny Murphy's law. If something can go wrong... it will.

strike 1

Sometimes you have moments where the whole world stops... you hear your heart beat really loud... you feel your stomach tighten in a knot... you process the information in your head one more time and slowly you are slapped in the face with the realization that you fucked up, royally. Then you are standing on this line... you look to the right and see an option that is simple, easier and that wont give you an ulcer... you think about it and chances are noone would notice you fucked up and if they did you could probably play it off as an honest mistake.... then you reluctantly look to the left, you see the choice you should make along with all the consequences of the mistake and the feelings that come with owning up to your royal screw up... damn i hate that spot.

Today at work I made the right choice, I wont find out until tomorrow AM if the consequences will play out or not... and seriously i dont even think im allowed to feel good about making the right decision, after all it is what i should have done anyways. To look at it from a brighter side... at least my first royal screw up at work is done.

Btw.. icing on the cake, I went to figure out about my car today... almost 3000$. OUCH!
Gotta get ready for dinner... i sure hope it takes away the nasty taste i have in my mouth from this bitter day.

Pree

Consciously Incompetent

Work has been not too great. This week I wondered twice how could I have possibly been hired if all I do is mess up. My self-esteem is down in the gutter. People said I did good this week, but I dont believe them... on my opinion they were just feeling bad for getting angry at me so many times. When things were hectic they were all quick to tell me how I should have done this or that differently. I overheard some of my team partners say that all I do is sit on my ass and hence mess up all our timelines. The amount of stress I felt this week I havent felt in at least a year. I worked every hour that I wasn't asleep and that still wasnt enough for me not to mess up a billion times. We worked 12+ hour days everyday, shared every meal together and the only privacy I had was the 3 hours I was working in my room before I passed out asleep. The week is over but honestly, its going to get worse before it gets better...

I went out last night drinking because I had to let loose somehow... but it turns out my friends are all stressed about work too. So we drink and we bitch about work... on how great it is, on how we know it will be better, on how we know it will be okay and how tomorrow isnt coming soon enough! So I stress about it some more... and then when I finally get home, to my space, my bed, my time... I dream about work! I wake up at 8am freaking out that I overslept and how I cant be late. I go back to sleep just to dream of how I didnt do things right this last week.

I knew it was going to be bad. I've always known that the transition to work wasnt supposed to be easy... Ive always known that working here would stretch me and stretch me and when I thought I would break they would stretch me some more. I always knew Id have too much responsibility with too little experience. They email me once a week to remind me that I should be feeling miserable right now. BUT I also have always been 'above average' and so many things that should be tough I usually do okay with. Not this time!

Although Ive felt all this stress I never thought Id be fired. But my manager sure made me worry when she said 'You must be stressed now... I remember when I used to think that I could get fired at any moment. Dont worry, it passes.' GREAT! Should I have been worried about getting fired too? I wasnt before... I dont think I will but maybe I should be worried about that?

So I sit here, wanting someone to talk to so that I can fill my head with something other than to-do lists... My dinner plans should help, but its still 6 hours away...

I just need to hold tight and plow through. It will eventually get better (at least I hope).
Pree

Surving Work: Part 1

I love my job. I whine a lot about the amount of hours Ive been working, but all in all I enjoy my job so much I wouldnt change it for anything else. However... not all is happy and dandy, otherwise they wouldnt have to pay me as much as they do. So I figured Id give you a little glimpse into the work-related random thoughts that have been running in my mind today...

* The woman in the cube next to mine gets to work at 5:15 AM. How does that qualify as work/life balance?
* I got out of work today and it was dark... I feel I might become a person I dont want to be.
* Ive been dreaming about meetings a few times a week. Its starting to get out of hand.
* I cant believe I was so excited to buy a week of vacation for next year.
* My manager has 9 days left of vacation til the end of the year, but they'll probably go to waste bcuz she cant be away from the office that much. How sad is that?
* Training u'd think they wouldnt need to offer...
- How to get along/work with your coworkers (today was the 3rd time since August I got training on this)
- Unspoken rules (read = politics at work)
* Speaking of politics... it would be nice to get rid of the politics so I can actually get work done!
* My manager is so busy I have to come in at 7am for us to actually have uninterrupted meetings.
* When you have 'mandatory' full-day team building within 10 days of each other, you know something is terribly wrong... or noone is really into working.

I have so much work stuff to write about... but I gotta get in at 7ish tomorrow, so I better hit the bed. More to come soon Im sure, bcuz I cant hold in all these thoughts on: my manager, my mentor, my coworkers, the politics, the 'team building', my personal 'development'...

this is the job I always dreamt of, it just looked different in my dream...

Pree

work-a-holic? getting close

Forget updates about the weekend... forget all the 'funny' stories I had to tell... I am totally and utterly drained. Monday I worked 7.30-6.30, Tuesday 7.30-5 and then 10-11, and today 6am to 6.30pm!!! Forget halloween... im vegging out on the couch.

getting what i asked for

It is 6:45 AM. Its still pitch black outside. I just dragged my VERY VERY SLEEPY butt out of bed. My hair is crazy, my apartment is freezing, my arm is throbbing in pain and my jaw really hurts for some reason. But not all is bad... if you think about the fact that I am home, and not at work already, then its 'pretty good'. I am sitting on my couch on a global conference call for work. Yes I was excited about working on global projects, yes I was excited about the global travel, yes I was excited to work with people from Japan to Switzerland to Chile... but a conference call this early!!! That's almost pushing it... this isnt wat i thought of when i wanted 'flexible schedule' either. But off to pay attention and participate, after all they do pay me the 'big bucks'...
Pree

PS: Check out my arm...it hurts without touching...

hitting the books... again.

This week I had the amazing opportunity of hearing two amazing speakers - Malcom Gladwell and Brian Uzzi. Yet another perk of working for corporate america! I did learn a lot at this work conference but hearing these two speakers were really the icing on the cake.

As expected Malcolm drew his talk from 'Blink'. The Q&A session afterwards was really insightful but for the most part he just reminded me of all the cool things I learned when I read Blink. The guy has an amazing sense of humor too which obviously makes it all even better.

Now... Brian Uzzi. This man impressed me tremendously; everything from his delivery to the insights to the humor! He talked primarily about social networks. As we all know, financial capital (i.e. cash) has long been replaced by intellectual capital and the value that each individual adds to the business. But now a change has started and as intellectual capital supply increases (and its value decreases), social network capital will become more and more valuable. He covered ideas we are all well familiar with from the Tipping Point like mavens vs connectors. He talked about trust in relationships and how it can be detrimental to building networks (seems counter-intuitive but it really makes sense). I was so impressed by him and all his knowledge! So much so that I think I want to go to Northwestern so I can have him as my MBA professor. I know I had said that driving 5hrs to Chicago every Saturday for 3 years is way too much but I can deal with taht in 3-5 years when I actually have to do it.

First I gotta hit the books and get over the top GMAT scores... but for now Im making dinner and hopefully making it to the post office before they close.

Pree


PS: Other than this work has been really stretching me. Its amazing how much Ive learned but at the same time it can be so frustrating! It takes me 3 times as long to do everything. I know its a learning process but you know how impatient I am!

work-a-holic? not yet.

Ive had training at work all of this week. Other than gaining some extra pounds I learned some pretty neat things (yay for ethnic and volume forecasting... kinda). The least useful and yet the funniest were two 'analogies' I heard from a co-worker...

- Work-life balance is the unicorn around here. Everyone has heard about it, everyone has talked about it, everyone knows what it is supposed to look like, if you saw one you would recognize it, you have been keeping an eye out for it and none have passed by. Worse of all, when you talk to other people it turns out that they have ever seen one either.

- Traveling for work is like selling hot dogs at the Super Bowl. Yeah you get to go to the big game, you get to be there when thousands of people wish they could, but its not like you actually watch the game. Instead you spend the whole time with your back to it, instead of enjoying it you spend the whole time worried about everything but the game... and when something cool happens you just miss it and get to see other people enjoy it.

I was made for...

working. Without a doubt. Yesterday was my first day and just walking from the garage to work made me feel like the whole world was right. On boarding yesterday was pretty good... other than the fact that there were 31 people in my class, of which only 7 were guys! LAME!!

Today was great but a little different. I would be lying if I said I didnt think of felipe. Driving to work, waiting for the train to pass, seeing my old desk, going to the cafeteria, ppl asking about him... its surreal to walk the same steps with such a different mindset. But I got over that very quickly. I actually got my badge, computer, email, intranet and 'comunicator' all set up and everything! I was surprised at the progress seeing that on Friday my manager called and said 'do you know who you report to? oh to me.. right. I gotta see where you are sitting and if we got u a computer'.
I also found out what kinda of stuff I will be working on and Im so thrilled... our learning budget is in the millions. Its all highly confidential, I cant even talk to other ppl at work about it! I will be working on multiple parts of this project for a few months and then I will focus on one part of the global business so it should be really fun. Although it will take a little while to get it all rolling, Im sure in no time I will be swamped with work... and im actually looking forward to it. I know it all sounds kinda pathetic... and I will probably deny all of this in a few weeks when i have no time for lunch or bathroom breaks, but isnt it great to just love work?

As amazing as just going to work has been, I cant dismiss the impact that my morning calls have had. Berto called today and yesterday morning before he and I headed to work. Its amazing how when it comes to 'being successful at work' noone is better at talking to me than him... he is just always great at getting me focused in general. i love him with every little inch of my heart and the best part is that regardless of how 'different' he is i know he loves me too... =)

But hey.. its way past my bedtime. Gotta be at work at 6:30AM tomorrow... 3hr conference call with Geneva. Damn time zones!