silence

i dont write to have traffic through my page. i dont write to put on a front. i dont write so that you'll read (as a matter of fact, im surprised any time anyone says they read any of this). i dont write for you, or for others or to document my life. i write for me, because it helps me think of what i feel, what i believe and what i want. i write because sometimes the silence feels like its giong to kill me and talking aloud to myself doesnt make me feel better.

but i started writing today and realized that i am cheating myself... because there are things that i want to write (today and other days), and i dont. sometimes i dont write things because putting it 'on paper' makes it real. sometimes i dont because i just dont know what i really think. sometimes i dont because it makes me cry too much. but i really cheat myself when i dont write because of you... sometimes i dont write things because it is just a small part of me and you may read it and make it out to be the whole me. sometimes i dont want to because im afraid if you read it, you wont bother to ask me how im doing. sometimes i write in hopes you'd read, but in the end i know u dont.

tonight silence may be cheating but it is my best bet.

pree

ps: its going to be a lonely week