back and ready to leave

So I never really wrote much about this while I was traveling because all in all I was in denial... at the time I was hopefull, but since all hope is gone I think I can say it was just denial. Im back in the US, new city, new place, new car, new job, new life... but somewhere along the way my heart got broken and although I should be ecstatic about all these great things in my life, Im moping around like a moron. To make a long story short... after thousands of dollars visiting each other, after endless hours on the phone, after promisses and kisses, after choosing to work in the same city, after almost living together, Felipe and I are broken up. Needless to say it wasnt quite how I expected things to go. I will spare you since the details are just too much for me to stomach again. Inspite of everything I still stayed at his place while I was getting settled in Cincinnati. I arrived in Cincinnati exactly a week ago and seeing Felipe everyday was everything but what I expected it to be. (maybe more on that later). But now it just became too much for me to bear... Im tired of going from crying to being happy to being angry... so Im leaving. Im gong to Florida until my apartment is ready for move in. Hopefully when I get back from Florida I will have gotten a decent tan and a heart thats a little less broken...

Last night we stayed in bed talking til so late. I just wanted to have a good time and talk to him seeing that it was our last night "together" but instead he asked serious questions. Questions that open up scars and make you remember the wounds you've been hiding under your sleeves. So we talked forever... i asked and answered and he asked and answered... i was honest with everything and i think he was too. I asked him "did you ever try to put urself in my shoes?" and for some reason I thought it was a stupid question bcuz why wouldnt he have.. but he said he didnt. This whole time, he broke my heart and saw me cry for a week straigth and apparently not once did he put himself in my shoes to see how I felt. Last night that really hurt. Today, left alone packing and to just think of things I wish I didnt know, all that pain turned into anger. I typed him an email but of course, had no guts to send it... it read:
"Did you really not try to feel what I feel? I guess I shouldn't be that surprised that you never tried to put yourself in my shoes. I wondered why but now I know... you know how weak you are. If you felt the pain I feel you wouldn't be able to get out of bed everyday much less look at yourself in the mirror. I'm not perfect, don't claim to be but as far as imperfection goes you have far outdone most people Ive ever met. You are selfish, immature, inconsiderate to say the least. Until today you were only right one time, when you said you didn't deserve me. I wish it was different but you are not worth any of the tears I shed. "

I was going to send it to him. I was certain of it. I was going to wait til I left so that he would be less likely to read it at work. But instead he comes on and wishes me a safe flight... how can I still love him? Dont I know better? Wasnt danny enough for me to learn that boys arent worth my tears? why is it that everytime I get angry at him I get angry at myself?

Im determined to move on. At all costs. Once im not here at his place anymore it should be easier... so off to Florida, so I can come back to Cincinnati on my right foot because I deserve a happy life. I deserve the world, even if he doesnt want to share it with me.