cuz i just need to complicate things - apparently

Official Notice - Im either crazy and I see problems wehre there are none, or the bf has got issues.
Honestly its probably a combination of both.

Ive been with this guy for a few months now and somehow I still feel like Im being judged, like Im still being measured and tested... you know that feeling you get when you meet someone new, or your ex's current, you feel you are being measured to see if you stack up. I told him about the constant testing and his defense was that "before marriage everything is like a test". which in all fairness is true... but you know, marriage or no marriage, if you are going to be with me, be with me! Its a freaking privilledge and yes it comes with good and it comes with bad so embrace it and quit with the tests... again, it may just be me being crazy me, but there has to be something wrong when I feel I have to watch what I say or do around someone i should feel myself with. I feel like Im ice skating and he is watching from the side lines, waiting to see if im worth joining on the ice with or not. F it! You are either in or you are out.

Maybe it is all this way bcuz I dont know if he will stick around if things get rough since I havent actually argued with him yet (not for lack of 'opportunities')... I feel like there have been a few times that we either disagreed or I said something that was CLEARLY not 'liked' and the response I get feels like he is physically taking a step away from me to reevaluate things or maybe reconcilliate his thoughts, to remind himself that maybe he should jsut stay on the side lines... it is much safer over there. It is such a cold and removed reaction... i dont know if im crazy, if its just his way of being, or if he is keeping his guards up.

I guess when you look at it its just a matter of trust. He doesnt trust me enough to put his guards down and I dont trust him bcuz I feel he has his walls up. How can I trust someone that I feel is always ready to retreat? If you are not commiting to it, then why should I even bother with you? If you have issues, own up to it and try to work it... if im just not worth you being upfront about it, then see your way to the door. (a little harsh, yes, but i love me first. we'll see about loving you when I feel you are actually in this with me)

maybe i am crazy, maybe im not. regardless if all of this is perception or reality, when it comes down to relationships and most things in life 'perception is reality'. So either things change or my mind changes pretty quickly here... we'll see where this all goes.

pree

ps: thank God he doesnt read my blog bcuz otherwise Id actually have to swallow all of this and probably just be passive-aggressive instead. (oh wait... I am already)