when the clock strikes 12 and long after the night falls..

the nights are the hardest... it is in the night that my guards are down, my mind is vulnerable and I am filled with thoughts of you. It is in the night, when all else is quiet, that I hear your voice in my ear, feel your touch on my skin, smell you on my pillow. It is in the night that awake or asleep I cant help but feel you are here under the sheets with me. I could never tell you that most nights, when I am restless in bed, I remember you holding me with your big hands pulling me tight and how you smell my hair before you kiss my neck. Imagining you here still makes me feel safe so I can fall asleep. the nights are the hardest time to forget you...

I wonder if its because for so long you came to see me at night. I wonder if its because so many times you crawled into my bed after I had been asleep. I wonder if its because at night was when we had our innocent and intimate moments. I wonder if its because at night the rest of the world shut down and we could finally spend time together.

the nights are the hardest... because it is the real me. When I come to bed, I put my guards down and its not very hard to see that you are still what fills me up, that right behind the walls you are there... when my guards are down I dont know how to pretend to not love you and miss you and want you.

but the trick is, i need the nights, i need more and more nights, because the more nights i have, the more time that passes, and the easier it is supposed to be.
how i hate to love you this much.

pree

letter to my closest friends

My 2 loves -

Neither friend nor soulmate can describe what you are to me.

I dont even really know how to express how thankful I am for you, for your love, for your unconditional acceptance and patience with me. You have always been remarkable friends - the friends everyone wants to have but can't always find. The past few months were extremely hard for me and yet again you proved how great a friend you were.

With lots of ups and lots of downs. Many times I sounded like a broken record and you listened. Many times I needed a shoulder to cry on, and you let me cry it out. Many times I took up all your time, and you let me. You gave me everything you could because you knew it could help me.

There were moments I couldnt recognize who I was and again you saw my beauty when I was ugly. You love me when I am unlovable. You build me up when I am not strong. These past few months you have been my rock, my coach, my soundboard. There is no greater comfort than to reach out to you because I know you will never judge me, because every inch of me knows that you love me no matter what.

Ayo - You are my life cheerleader; you believe in me more than anyone else and you give me strength to keep on pushing in life.
Christian - you give me permission to be me, but different from everyone else you give me permission to be sad, to feel defeated, to feel weak and once I am ready you help build me up. Unlike others, you have a talent to give me what I need when I need it.

I have been blessed to have you in my life and I hope to be able to bring to you what you bring to me. People who know me say I'm strong, people who met me have said they admire the strength and determination I have. What they dont realize, is that I can't be strong without you. I can't be strong without knowing that I can rely on you if I am ever weak.

I love you.
I couldnt do life without you.
I am eternally in debted to you,
Pree

tracking along...

its been hard to know which way is up lately.

dont get me wrong things arent as terrible as they were - not all the time at least. But then again, i hope we can only go up from here (crossing my fingers). a lot has happened, and nothing has changed it feels like. So i'll make only 2 comments today in hopes that some positive thoughts will get me better and strong...

* I was completely inspired when a week ago a young woman I knew in college turned to me and said "You are the woman who wears a superman cape! if anyone can do it, its you". It also made me feel an awful lot of pressure too which lead to a breakdown a few days later but now its all good.

* I am officially back 'in town' for a long while now. I walked into work on Wednesday and felt "like coming home" and I cant even begin to describe how amazingly happy that made me feel.