this is the year (cross my fingers)

Regardless of what the holiday it is, we always know that One) we have the day off and Two) there is a specific way you should feel or celebrate it. I know it sounds like a load of crap, and I know each and everyone of you will say that you make of it what you want... fools I say to you! Stop lying to yourselves.

There are a few holidays that Im not too attached to... some, like Labor Day, are just a day off and tahts okay. Some like 4th July, should probably just be a day off but I tend to make a big deal of it, because some of my friends always get together (I'd say it is my one big tradition so far). And Xmas and New Years holidays are supposed to be a big deal, but to me they just arent.

I dont know if its because my family has always been kinda separated at this time, or if I rarely have spent it with "the one person i 'love' "or what it is... but they just arent my favorite. There is a clear image of what it should be, and that totally doesnt match up with how it goes down in my life.

Christmas is usually not great but defitinely good... now New Years, its always so depressing. You have the countdown... 5...4...3...2...1... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! all these people are hugging, kissing, jumping for joy... and Im often just blah. I do smile, and hug and all that jazz but seriously? Arent we all just waiting for midnight so we can go home and sleep? Mine sucks... at 9 PM I had already called my parents in Brazil and wished them Happy New Year... this whole New Year thing is soo subjective (especially once u get into daylight savings time, and the year having a quarter of a day and such). This year its even worse... Im in L.A. so I will actually be celebrating the New Year 6 hours after I talk to my parents... but regardless of where I celebrate I just wish that I felt different about it.

I know Im pathetic... but I do want that picture-perfect tv portrait of what New Years is supposed to be like. I hope this year proves me wrong... Last year it was close... we'll see in 3 days how this year goes... but for now Im off to bed, its way past my bed time in the East Coast. and tomorrow we have tons of sightseeing to do!!!

Pree

it was just xmas

Just as quickly as Christmas came, it left... nothing too special about the past few days. Coolest thing I did was probably watch "Sweeney Todd" on Christmas day. Loved it! Totally recommend it... you know who is in it? No, Im not talking about Johnny Depp... Im talking about the other Barber... yup, BORAT!!! Took forever to figure out who he reminded me off... but yup, now you can enjoy the movie without pulling your hair trying to figure that one out!

Other than that, nothing special... as it was expected, the food was a.m.a.z.i.n.g. I ate so much I felt sick afterwards - I know, its shameful. But I shall try to keep my dignity and stop there.
More random (and memorable) quotes
- Whats with you having added perks now that we arent dating?
- All he talked about was being an overachiever. At a party! I just wanted to talk about things that dont matter.
- I dont know why, but I just dont want you to leave yet - just stay in the car.
Off to bed since I gotta be up at 5AM to go to L.A.
Pree

I know I am in Miami because...

I know I am in Miami because...

The drink of choice is the Cuban Mojito



Because instead of grilling some burgers and having a couple of friends over, people roast a 70-lb pig and have 40-50 people show up.

Because traffic looks like this...




Because no one speaks to me in English... even if I refuse to speak to them in Spanish.

Because I had black beans every day since Ive been here...

Because in less than 5 days I had Argentinian, Spanish, Columbian , Cuban food... and if it wasnt enough, I even had rice/beans/half-chicken drive thru at And last but not least... the obvious... it is Christmas week, and we have the A.C. going, my aunt is laying by the pool tomorrow and the weather forecast is


There are many many many more... like Publix, Don Pan and the hoochies in mini-dresses at the mall... but I have better things to waste my night with...

Pree

how do you like me now?

I had dinner with a few friends and their families... some ppl look like they are doing better, some not so much - but lets not go into gossip now, Im better than that (at least until xmas is over). I didnt only see my friends (and siblings) but I had the oh so fortune luck to see their parents too.... I wasnt thrilled seeing that some of the parents I saw this wknd 'hated' me when I was in high school. They thought I was 'bad influence' on their children and didnt want me around... I had friends' parents that went as far as blocking my phone number from calling their house... some answered the phone when I called and told me to not call again... and some actually got my number, called ME and told me to back off their kids because they loved their kids and I shouldnt be around! (i know, you must be surprised because I am seriously an angel... ok, maybe not an angel, but I know how to behave for goodness sake... these parents make it seem like i pushed their kids into drugs/sex/alcohol/theft/bulimia/suicide... nope, not me. I was relatively an exemplary child... but why take responsibility for crappy kids and crappy parenting when we can just blame the girl who has no curfew) Now things are different... Im one of the few ppl in our whopping 16-ppl graduating class that actually hasnt 'screwed up' by their own standards. Oh yes ma'am, I did finish school. Oh yes ma'am, I have a degree that means not only something but actually a lot. Oh yes ma'am, I have a good paying job. Oh yes ma'am, I still have no children/husband/live-in mate. Oh yes ma'am, I am a smart, responsible woman... and it all came from that 'irresponsible bad influence' that you didnt want to call your house. IN YOUR FACE is all I have to say.

How does it feel to be wrong????

flash of the past: part 1

For those of you who dont know, Im in Miami for xmas. Im staying at my aunts... for now Ive just been catching up with high school friends and such. I'll have more stories for sure but I gotta have a partial download otherwise ill forget half of this stuff... (this whole post is kinda like vomit on 'paper'... and by that i just mean, random ideas that just jumped out of me without much rhyme or reason).

During the past few days ive met up with old friends and its been nothing but interesting. Its interesting to see how they changed, how ive changed and how some things stay the same. It really is a fun 'experiment'.

TEACHERS: SAVING A KID AT A TIME
This morning I had breakfast with an old high school teacher... I admire this woman so so so much. But I realized that she is probably a HUGE part of why I am 'arrogant', have 'high expectations' and 'dont take no for an answer'. Its always said that teachers touch and change lives... and I would say this woman is the perfect example because without her I wouldnt be the same.

RANDOM QUOTES (so far)
- "So is this a date?"
- "Please play nice with my girlfriend"
- "How is that loser you dated? Did he die yet?"
- "I have someone you could marry"


lastly... tonight I went to dinner with an old friend and that in itself was a whole experience... i might share it in a few days but for now, im keeping it to myself...

Still have to see a few more friends... the 'journey' continues...

Pree

what rules?

who other than me would go on a date and talk about God's existence, communism vs. capitalism and how girls are a pain in the ass? I know, I know... I totally skipped the day when they taught 'Dating for Dummies'. So much for making a good impression... But oh, well... not sticking to those types of rules is so me though. And we all know I cant help being blatantly me. So we'll see if I get a call or if we go out again...

Regardless of how this turns out, I havent enjoyed hanging out with someone this much in a long, long time.

pree

movie craze

Its night and day... the way I feel today from the way I felt on Saturday.

Saturday I (reluctantly) watched 'I Am Legend'. See, I didnt want to come out already and say 'I dont like mean movies' so I agreed to watch it... sitting on the movie chair was almost torture - needless to say I did as much as possible not to look at the screen.

But then today, we watched August Rush. And it was A M A Z I N G! There is something about sitting in the theater and letting myself get lost in a hopeful and beautiful world. It was most definitively worth the wait =) Inspite of reviews, the movie was actually really good. True, it was very 'hopeful' and almost like a 'fairy tale' but see thats what I want... I want to be happy after a movie. I want to be moved, touched. If I wanted harsh and miserable stories I would just turn on the news every night. But let's not whine... im too happy for that.

Oh how I love a good movie...

Now for previews...

most defitinely watching...

The Bucket List


P.S: I love You

Who told you you could be somebody?

This week I was out of town for work with a large group of coworkers. As usual, we went for drinks after a 12 hour day of work. Around eleven I headed to my room to check email and rest up. Less than twenty-minutes later my phone goes off... and in less than 3 minutes Disappointment made me want to seriously vomit. As if Sunday's call wasnt too much, this time he really pushed it...

'I think you did a good job at work today' (Dont even start)
'You mentioned you couldnt figure out your blinds, I can help you' (NO!!!!!!!!!!)
'If you are not going to go to bed for a while, I can come and keep you company' (NO!!!!!!!!!!!)

I dont mean to be a bitch, but seriously... who told him he could be somebody? Have I ever done ANYTHING to say I was interested? No! Is he not aware we are direct co-workers? Apparently not! He should seriously BACK THE F*** OFF!!

Im gonna stop playing nice and polite and next time just gonna tell him how it is. I dont mind being friends with co-workers but this idiot is crossing the line.

saying what i dont mean

Im in the kitchen eating ice cream from the carton, pouring myself some wine and thinking of inviting archangel to dinner tomorrow when I hear my cellphone.... Ring... ring... (oh god! please be Archangel... please be Archangel...)
After abandoning my tub of ice cream and running to the living room I jump at the phone... it is a number not saved. My first thought (maybe archangel is calling from his house number, instead of his cell)

Me: "Hello" (alright, dont act so happy to hear from him.. play hard to get! play hard to get!)
Disappointment: "Hi... its Disappointment" (I know this is a horrible alias, but seriously, I was disappointed at the call)
Me: (oh... great, shouldnt have answered the phone) "hey Disappointment! how are you?"
(what does he want? its Sunday night, whatever you need you could have just asked me tomorrow... this better not be just a friendly call... you better have a freaking emergency, I gave up ice cream for this call... oh shit, he is talking. I should pay attention)
Disappointment: "I was just calling to see how your weekend went"
Me: (WTF?!?!? This is such not a life or death matter!! Let's not draf this forever) "It went well. Yours?"
Disappointment: "blah blah blah... did you end up going out Friday or Saturday?" (i know i paraphrased, but it was seriously not worth re-telling)
Me: (I should tell him about archangel so he gets no special ideas) "Yeah... went on a date and to some holiday parties. Nothing too special" (special thoughts and feelings running through my mind...)
Disappointment: blah blah blah...
Me: blah blah blah... (I guess we can chat for a few minutes)
Disappointment: "So, do you have a boyfriend?"
Me: (WTF?!?!? This dude better not get his hopes up)
Disappointment: "Oh just dates... so, what do you consider a date?"
Me: (What do you care?)
blah... blah.. blah... (getting no-where)
Disappointment: "Maybe we should get together and watch movies or something."
Me: "Yeah" (no!)
Disappointment: "I didnt even ask, do you like hanging out with people from work?"
Me: "I dont mind hanging out with people from work, I just dont date ppl from work" (ill so date ppl from work if they are worth it... ill just refrain from dating the ones I directly work with!)
blah...blah...blah...
Disappointment: "You seem so... so... lively. Im sure you have a pretty exciting life"
Me: (thanks for the compliments but you must be pretty boring if you think my life is exciting) "Oh no... Im actually pretty lame" (wow, the truth for once... just dont tell Archangel, i want him to think I'm fun )
blah blah blah...
Me: It was nice talking to you, but I gotta get going. (how the hell did I stay on the phone with you for this long?)


I know I sound way bitchy.. but honestly, regardless of who had called I would have been upset... because when I gave up on my ice cream and ran for the phone I had my hopes up it was archangel, and unless it was him, I'd be disappointed. Sucks to be you...

no jinx-ing

Alright... I dont usually write about this because its usually not very interesting but this time things are different!!! Ive been trying not to write about it bcuz I dont want to jinx-it but its bursting out of my chest and I can't control it!

I met this boy at this party I sorta crashed... not sure what his alias should be... a few options in my head but I'll go with Archangel ('pretty-eyes' was a very close contender).

So far this is how it went down...
He approached me at a party :)
My first reaction to him was wayy not smart :
I turned down going to the kitchen to get a drink with him :(
He mentioned he had an ex gf :)
He asked for my number :)
He didnt call me :( :(
My friends talked me into asking him to dinner with them :
He replied in a funny way :) and said let's do it another day :
I felt stupid :(
He asked me to dinner :)
He got all cleaned up and smelling good for dinner :)
He pocked fun at me a lot :)
We sat at the table for 30 minutes after we finished eating :)
He said I could pay 'next time' :)
He hasnt called again :)
His last text to me had a 'winking smiley' :) (Im reading into that smiley as much as its possible)

Dont jinx-it, dont jinx-it! I think I might get to like this one...

snow fall

Today was such a special day for me, and I want to share it with you. I want to document it so I never forget how it felt, how beautiful it was and how amazing life really is if we only stop to appreciate the simple things in life.

I felt this way a few weeks ago, but I never documented it... so this time Im making it a point to not forget. I want to live it over and over again. Dont go thinking it's something crazy, like a marriage proposal or winning the lottery... quite on the contrary, quite simply today it snowed. And everything about it was beautiful.

Before I went to bed, I knew it was supposed to snow the whole night. Somehow I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm, and instead of rolling over and enjoying every one last minute I could have in bed, I jumped out to look out the window... I was like a little kid on Christmas morning, eager to see if Santa had come. I was awestruck. The snow was falling so fast that it was drawing white stripes over everything I could see. But it didnt disturb the world like rain seems to... the tree branches werent swaying wildly, there was nothing rushing on the street, and there were no loud noises... it was so calm, so peaceful that all I could do was stare. I stared for a long time. I watched the snow flakes pile on top of skinny tree branches, and flakes disolve as they touched my window. I watched how my neighbours Christmas lights reflected red and green on the snow around it. I focused on individual flakes and I focused on the whole image... I dont think there is anything in the world that matches how peaceful snow falling out of my window was. It made me remember how beautiful the world really is.

When I was outside, all I could do was feel the snow flakes melt once they touched my skin. It was a very different feeling. I saw big snow flakes fall on my hand and on my cheecks, but they just vanished without me really feeling them! All I could feel was a very light touch... like the most gentle kiss or a very light breeze. It made me remember how beautiful the smallest details really are.

Lastly, when I was at work, I had the most bizarre moments. Every time I walked by a window, I would be caught by surprise. I would see a very white world outside... it was like a black and white film. I had to watch out not to be drawn in and stop on my tracks... It was the same feeling you get when you go through a big haircut... everytime you see yourself in the mirror you are caught by surprise, and then feel silly for forgetting the big change you were well aware of. It made me see how beautiful the unexpected can be.

I loved looking outside, because it was so different and so beautiful and so peaceful. But what I loved the most was that something that is so mundane to so many people made me so happy. And thats what I dont want to forget... just like the changes in the leaves that came during the fall, and the snow fall today, I want to remember to see the beauty in all the little things. Because life and the world around us is beautiful, and I want to see it everyday. I dont want to grow accustomed to the beauty in the small things... whether its snow fall, a cup of hot tea or someone holding the door for me.

Life is beautiful. And I want to see the beauty in it everyday.

Pree

where is the delete button?

Im not sure if I will ever own up to this again but I gotta get it out of my system...

I met up with someone today. Let's call him Sky (I know im getting creative with my aliases, but I dont want anyone knowing who Im refering to). Sky is someone Ive met before, I had seen him quite a few times before, but for some reason, this time, the moment I laid eyes on him thoughts that should have never crossed my mind did. I felt that shortness of breath, that tightness on my chest feelings that totally caught me by surprise... he walked towards me and I know my whole face lit up. When we said goodbye he kissed me, which he had never done before... needless to say, it replays itself on my mind over and over... Ive told myself to erase it all from my head... the feelings, the smile, the kiss, the words... but the more I think of not thinking it, the more I do!

I cant believe the things that have crossed my mind today, but it's made me rethink my list and how much it will hold in the future...

Pree

target: i love thee

Target is my therapy. And from what I am learning, I am not alone.

For some reason this week Target has come up at least twice a day on my work conversations. It has really gotten me thinking about the stores... Personally, I love Target. And it seems that many many other women do so as well. You may think that love is a strong word to describe how one feels for a store... especially a large retailer that basically copy/pastes its stores all across the country.
But the truth is... Target makes me (and many other women) happy. Which is more than I can say for most men out there!

One day I saw this case study on Target, and one of the interviews that was highlighted was this woman who said 'I used to shop here maybe twice a month, but since I got divorced I come here at least once a week.' When you think about it, that may seem like a random change in habits... but when asked the woman said that 'Target is the only place I feel normal. When Im at church or at work or with friends, I feel like I am a divorcee or I remember my situation... but when Im at Target it goes away. I feel like a normal person and it makes me happy'.

So this week I was talking to someone at work on how I had to stop going there because every trip ends up with over 100$ off my bank account... and of course, they agreed that the same happened to them. In talking we discovered that secretly, Target is our little 'dirty' secret... that there are days when you are feeling down, or sad, or blah, or angry, or upset... and somehow, something inside of you just says 'Go to Target' and you do... and it all gets better.

I havent been sad, or angry or upset or blah... but Im already looking forward to going in on Saturday just to walk the isles - to see what they have, new things to discover! A whole hour will be lost and I wont even notice it...

A cool exercise... if you Google search 'I love Target' you get 55,300,000 pages. That is more than twice as many pages as 'Britney Spears' (and you can imagine how many pages are on that!)... its more than 5 times the number of pages for Angelina Jolie and more than 20 times more pages than 'I hate Walmart'...

Off to dream about circles and reds...

Pree

PS: Cool video I saw at work today...

wanting to be wrong

I dont want to write it because 'of the power of the word' as my mom would call it. But I have this bad feeling... let's just pray that Im totally wrong.

thanksgiving 2.0

I was never a big fan of Thanksgiving. See, Im not American and where I come from we didnt have pilgrims and all that jazz... (we had slaves and Jesuits that forced natives to convert but we shall not discuss that). See, for me thanksgiving has always been at the bottom of my I-cant-wait-for-this-holiday list. It was always just a couple of extra days to help my mom clean the house... all it gave me were some clorox smelling hands and tons of dishes to wash. When I was in college, it was reason to drive for 10 hours or get caught up on house chores (especially the annual and much needed bathroom cleaning day). The only thing that seemed nice was that it appeared to be a breath of 'fresh air' but really it was the moment where it hit you that you were goming back to classes to earn the last 65% of your grade in 3 weeks time. Always looked like it would be good but in the end just disappointed me.

This year it was much better... I got to watch tv for hours... eat fabulous food... have the most useless conversations... and catch up on sleep!

So I got thinking about my previous bleak perspective and I tried to figure out what all the hype was about. Turkey is good and all, but it sure doesnt make me jump with joy. After about 45 seconds of thinking I realized that I had it all wrong! Isnt thanksgiving really about crazy shopping, eat til you die and TV marathons? Since that is so... I now love to observe the holiday. Thanksgiving has officially been upgraded to my number 2 preferred holiday... just behind xmas (seeing that I actually things I want instead of having to pay for them).

I know Im a disgrace to this 'very important american tradition' but I dont really think I will be tested on this when I take my citizenship test next month. Unless of course, they are watching... but you could say I have bigger issues than disgracing thanksgiving.

Pree


PS: Favorite quote from the weekend...

Me: 'His job is to please me!'
Point Dexter: 'As opposed to pleasure you...?'
Me: 'Well.. actually I wouldnt mind that!'

He really is better than superman

As expected of a long weekend football just goes on forever... no idea what was up with Tennessee and Kentucky but once they were done playing and we got to watch some good looking players, the beer warmed up in my tummy and made me feel that much better. Below is a Pree version of Sports Center...

'Oh he is hot... rewind! rewind!'

'You cant have him... he impregnated me already'
'So... you are done and used. Now I get to have him'
'I thought you wanted Tebow'
'I will have him after I have Tebow'

'Tebow is a good boy... He is probably a virgin. All religious and stuff. '
'He wont be after Im done with him'

TV: 'He is the QB you most want your daughter to marry'
'Dude, he'll destroy your daughter'
'Hell, I sure wouldnt mind that!'

'With 250 lbs of sheer muscle behind that pipe, size wouldnt even matter'
'Bring it on.. Im open for business'

'Most of them dont really have an ass do they...'
'Even the ones who do, its just padding'
'That explains why they grab each others ass so much'
' 'oh dude, just checking if your padding is still there. Can you feel it?' '
'Seriously, check out how much they grab each otehrs ass. Its not even a slap... its a grab!'

TV: 'We've run out of superlatives' (speaking of Tebow)

'Whats up with Christian boys?'
'I dont know.. but they are hot!'
'I bet you its just a facade'

My favorite... 'Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas'

GO GATORS!!!!!!!!

costing me a fortune

i procrastinated and procrastinated on getting plane tickets for christmas and new years... and now that i finally have 'plans' plane tickets are going to cost me over 800 bucks! And the only one that will cost on the 600$ range requires me to get on a plane at 00:45AM 01/01/2008. HELL NO! There is no way Im starting my year in a plane... this past year and a half has been enough. I quit looking this crap up...
Im gonna go enjoy my buzz, the lovely smell of "rose tobacco" and pass out asleep...
pree

Consciously Incompetent

Work has been not too great. This week I wondered twice how could I have possibly been hired if all I do is mess up. My self-esteem is down in the gutter. People said I did good this week, but I dont believe them... on my opinion they were just feeling bad for getting angry at me so many times. When things were hectic they were all quick to tell me how I should have done this or that differently. I overheard some of my team partners say that all I do is sit on my ass and hence mess up all our timelines. The amount of stress I felt this week I havent felt in at least a year. I worked every hour that I wasn't asleep and that still wasnt enough for me not to mess up a billion times. We worked 12+ hour days everyday, shared every meal together and the only privacy I had was the 3 hours I was working in my room before I passed out asleep. The week is over but honestly, its going to get worse before it gets better...

I went out last night drinking because I had to let loose somehow... but it turns out my friends are all stressed about work too. So we drink and we bitch about work... on how great it is, on how we know it will be better, on how we know it will be okay and how tomorrow isnt coming soon enough! So I stress about it some more... and then when I finally get home, to my space, my bed, my time... I dream about work! I wake up at 8am freaking out that I overslept and how I cant be late. I go back to sleep just to dream of how I didnt do things right this last week.

I knew it was going to be bad. I've always known that the transition to work wasnt supposed to be easy... Ive always known that working here would stretch me and stretch me and when I thought I would break they would stretch me some more. I always knew Id have too much responsibility with too little experience. They email me once a week to remind me that I should be feeling miserable right now. BUT I also have always been 'above average' and so many things that should be tough I usually do okay with. Not this time!

Although Ive felt all this stress I never thought Id be fired. But my manager sure made me worry when she said 'You must be stressed now... I remember when I used to think that I could get fired at any moment. Dont worry, it passes.' GREAT! Should I have been worried about getting fired too? I wasnt before... I dont think I will but maybe I should be worried about that?

So I sit here, wanting someone to talk to so that I can fill my head with something other than to-do lists... My dinner plans should help, but its still 6 hours away...

I just need to hold tight and plow through. It will eventually get better (at least I hope).
Pree

ho ho ho no more

I know Santa wont be visiting me this year... not because I was naughty (which I wasnt really), but because Im getting a lil too old for Santa... but I shall make my wish list anyways, just in case Santa wants to prove me wrong. Or in case I encounter some fabulous sale!

1) Norah Jones CD Not Too Late (Come Away With Me and Feels Like Home are okay too since I dont have every song downloaded)
2) A coffee Table
3) A cuddle buddy
4) 10 pounds off and some good muscles on
5) Someone to take my 'Goodwill' corner away
6) Some yummy bottles of wine
7) Meet the Robinsons DVD
8) 'Gift card' for iTunes
9) An idea for cool bday getaway (suggestions???)

Off to pack for Chicago... again...
Pree


PS: really in a norah mood today... so in honor here is my favorite of hers...

pseudo-what?

As I sat here thinking on past relationships and many guy friends Ive had I realized that I sure tend to have pseudos. I thought it was just me, but apparently a pseudo-gf/bf is pretty common. I found a great post from a blog I read that captures the essence of the 'pseudo'. See an abbreviated version below:

If you're like me, you've been in this situation. You're single (or not). You know a guy who's single (or not). You're not dating each other, but you hang out an awful lot, even doing "couple-ish" stuff like movies and dinner. Other people think you ARE dating. The parents wish you two were together. In fact, you may have feelings for this man - or vice versa. But heck, you really aren't sure because things are rather ambiguous between the two of you.
Yes, I am talking about the PSEUDO-BOYFRIEND. I think about how much time I've spent one on one with guys I considered friends, and how some of those situations crossed the line. We were essentially using each other to fill that void of not having somebody in our lives (or they are not near by). Our outings were really dates in everything but name. One way to test if you've got a pseudo-boyfriend is this... Think about what you do with this person. Would you be hanging out with them and doing the same things if you had a REAL boyfriend? If the answer is no, chances are, you've become a pseudo-girlfriend.
I'm rather tired of being a pseudo-girlfriend. Being the movie date, taking them shopping, folding their laundry, helping them study, cooking for them, running errands and doing favors. It's like being in a relationship minus all the frosting. No stability, no kissing, no sex, no flowers, no hope for anything else. Thanks for nothing! Don't get me wrong. I love my guy friends, and I love BEING a friend. But noone deserves being taken advantage of. (full version here)

I know Ive been guilty of being someone's pseudo and having a pseudo. Even when I had a boyfriend. For the right there and then it seems great; but long term its a disfavor to myself or to whoever I was really dating.

to separate the good boys from the bad

Ive been 'officially' single for a little while now... 4 and a half months or so. I'd like to say I am pretty proud of where Ive been for the last 2 months. Yes there are days that I havent been the best about 'single life' but God knows it took work to get here. I am determined to stay single until the right person shows. If they do, great.. if they dont, I will wait. In talking to Slippers the other day, she questioned and probed this position... I also talked to GG about it... between the two of them, I got thinking that I should put on paper what someone has to have for me to even consider giving them my time (beyond free dinners...).

* No long distance
* Must like cuddling and hanging out in bed on Sunday mornings
* Has to be funny
* Must be overtly flirtatious (just average doesnt do it for me)
* Has to stay up with me when I have nightmares
* Have a decent sense of style (no Mr. Metrosexual, but some common sense)
* Have great conversations(deep, meaningfull, thought-provocking)
* Have 4+ hour long conversations
* Be able to goof around with me
* Make me feel sexy
* Feel priviledged to be with me
* Respect me no matter what
* Be secure in himself
* Stand with me 'when it rains'
* Go to church with me
* Talk about God with me
* Make me laugh
* Show me everyday that he cares
* Treat me to special surprises
* Love to watch movies together (especially romantic comedies)
* Push me to be my best
* Bring out the best in me
* Want to travel the world
* Make me happy
* Make me feel comfortable opening up about anything/everything
* Be patient with me
* Tell me truths that most people wont / be harsh if necessary
* Challenge me
* Have a desire to be(come) his best self
* Fight with me (explosivelly at times)
* Strong enough to fight for us
* Do anything/everything if i really need him
* Be there without me asking him to
* Be comfortable in silence together
* Support me in what is important to me
* Be committed to making us work
* Be honest and open
* Be confident enough to admit weaknesses
* Be a little jealous (bcuz its makes me feel wanted) but not be insensible about it (bcuz its a turn off)
* Be affectionate without excessive groping... Has to: kiss me on the forehead, kiss me on the cheek, hold my hand when we drive, hold me by the hips , squeeze my ass when kiss passionately, smack my ass jokingly,...
* Above average endowment
* Be open to new 'ideas'
* Passion about something. (other than drinking or smoking)... sports, music, arts preferred
* Age range: 22-29
* No couch potato (can enjoy the couch, but no couch potato)
* has Cool friends
* Good relationship with his mother
* Has to like kids (especially more than I do... thats not that hard!)
* Has to enjoy taking pictures/being photographed and nice to have is be photogenic
* Unlimited but controbllable libido
* Be a democrat (or at least a liberal conservative)

At Sasquash's request... some other requirements are:
* at the very least have college degree and high LSAT scores,
* must type at least 60 words a minute
* has a car with four wheels that are not donuts/power windows/heater
* not living with his mother (preferrably alone... i.e. not with another woman)
* no hairy backs (ewww)
* < 30% bodyfat, good teeth (one snaggle tooth at most)
* culturally diverse (understand that US isnt the best place on earth no questions asked)
* no B.O. is a must
* must not dominate with the door open,
* Must agree that the University of Florida is Gville but the GatorNation is everywhere
* More than 150 friends on facebook


I tried to be reasonable with the list... really! I might come back and sort of it by 'must have' and 'nice to have' but we all know that when there is chemistry, its hard to stick by rules. Did I miss any rules?

damn hormones!

ive been thinking the unthinkable....

Surving Work: Part 1

I love my job. I whine a lot about the amount of hours Ive been working, but all in all I enjoy my job so much I wouldnt change it for anything else. However... not all is happy and dandy, otherwise they wouldnt have to pay me as much as they do. So I figured Id give you a little glimpse into the work-related random thoughts that have been running in my mind today...

* The woman in the cube next to mine gets to work at 5:15 AM. How does that qualify as work/life balance?
* I got out of work today and it was dark... I feel I might become a person I dont want to be.
* Ive been dreaming about meetings a few times a week. Its starting to get out of hand.
* I cant believe I was so excited to buy a week of vacation for next year.
* My manager has 9 days left of vacation til the end of the year, but they'll probably go to waste bcuz she cant be away from the office that much. How sad is that?
* Training u'd think they wouldnt need to offer...
- How to get along/work with your coworkers (today was the 3rd time since August I got training on this)
- Unspoken rules (read = politics at work)
* Speaking of politics... it would be nice to get rid of the politics so I can actually get work done!
* My manager is so busy I have to come in at 7am for us to actually have uninterrupted meetings.
* When you have 'mandatory' full-day team building within 10 days of each other, you know something is terribly wrong... or noone is really into working.

I have so much work stuff to write about... but I gotta get in at 7ish tomorrow, so I better hit the bed. More to come soon Im sure, bcuz I cant hold in all these thoughts on: my manager, my mentor, my coworkers, the politics, the 'team building', my personal 'development'...

this is the job I always dreamt of, it just looked different in my dream...

Pree

random thoughts

Random thoughts and recent occurances...

Because apparently I have nothing better to do with my life today I was killing my time on facebook... in one of the useless groups Im a member of, the wall posting recommended you 'stereotype' the person who had posted last. So I did... I saw this 'nice' guy and said 'he is always in the just friends zone'. What else was I supposed to guess from just his profile picture! The guy messaged me back being all upset... it must have been true I guess.
----------
My personal trainer quit... needless to say Im not happy about that. I did take the opportunity to suggest that now its kosher for us to grab a beer together... no official response yet... Im not even interested that way but w/e, we'll see...
----------
Tomorrow is 8-5:30 mandatory team offsite... because apparently the 20+ hours we already stare at each other in meetings wasnt enough time together.
----------
I went to SWE National Conference last weekend and let me tell you... it deserves a whole post about it. But for now I will say that my heart is slightly broken...
----------
Hung out with the ex today... was really fun... we might be able to do the whole friend thing after all. Just gotta work out some quirks.
----------
Going to Chicago for the weekend... what? you are surprised? Dont you know that after this psychotic work week, a 6 hour drive is just what the doctor ordered? Pray for me... I already got pulled over this morning!

And on that note... packing time...

Pree

work-a-holic? getting close

Forget updates about the weekend... forget all the 'funny' stories I had to tell... I am totally and utterly drained. Monday I worked 7.30-6.30, Tuesday 7.30-5 and then 10-11, and today 6am to 6.30pm!!! Forget halloween... im vegging out on the couch.

TGIF =)

OMG OMG OMG... Here I am, sitting in Nashville... when all of a sudden I get a phone call from a flower shop! Yup... you heard right, a flower shop. I was sure it was an error but they had my cell number and they had my address... but the one problem is that I wasnt home to get the flowers ='( after recovering from the initial shock and informing the woman on the line that I would be back in town on Sunday afternoon, I asked her if she could please tell me what this was for or from.
The longest 30 seconds of my life passed as I waited for her to go get the info... all sorts of thoughts came through my head... Why would my mom send me flowers? It was honestly the only thought I could conceive... (i know, my life can be that 'sad)... she gets back on the line and sounded awfully confused. She said it was signed with a number instead of a name. So I started writting it down as she dictated it... but after the 5th digit or so it clicked in my head who it had to be... I almost screamed at her in excitement 'i know who it is! i know who it is!'.

I wonder how often this woman does this... but she asked if I wanted her to read me the whole card. After I VERY QUICKLY AGREED she put me on hold again... (oh man... maybe its inappropriate for her to read... maybe he wrote something other people wouldnt want to know... maybe its bad news and she wont want to tell me... ) she gets back on the line and goes on to read the few lines. Then she describes what the arrangement looks like (it ties in with the note)... she must have heard me smiling because she said 'i thought it was cute too'.

Regardless of how cute she thought it was, she couldnt even begin to comprehend how perfect it is. Even without me seeing it, i know it couldnt be better... because with him everything is always perfect, always tailored, always thought-out... I can barely wait for Sunday when I can get the flowers and smell them and decorate my apartment... I can barely wait to take pictures of it so I can 'engrave' it on my not-so-perfect memory.

I can barely wait to get off from work so I can call and say thank you! Its amazing how thoughtful and caring some people are... he always has been full of thoughtful surprises. You should be jealous! And I will be of whoever gets to marry him. Damn he is amazing! Why arent more men like that... but see, he gives me hope that not all men are selfish, insecure, careless, %#$&@*! I am so blessed to know someone so good like that... someone so thoughtful to send me flowers 'jsut because its friday'... its moments like these that make me so aware that God has blessed me so much, with such amazing people...

oh boy! oh boy! oh boy! Thank God its Friday!!! Its a great start of a weekend...

<3 Pree PS: I just know Im giong to get cramps from smiling =) and you know I did my retarded clap!!! yayyyyyy!!


PS2: Here they are...

getting what i asked for

It is 6:45 AM. Its still pitch black outside. I just dragged my VERY VERY SLEEPY butt out of bed. My hair is crazy, my apartment is freezing, my arm is throbbing in pain and my jaw really hurts for some reason. But not all is bad... if you think about the fact that I am home, and not at work already, then its 'pretty good'. I am sitting on my couch on a global conference call for work. Yes I was excited about working on global projects, yes I was excited about the global travel, yes I was excited to work with people from Japan to Switzerland to Chile... but a conference call this early!!! That's almost pushing it... this isnt wat i thought of when i wanted 'flexible schedule' either. But off to pay attention and participate, after all they do pay me the 'big bucks'...
Pree

PS: Check out my arm...it hurts without touching...

another hallmark day

February 14th... that polarizing day... some people loveeeeee it, and an awful lot of people hate it enough to basically remove it from calendars all together. Between mothers day, fathers day, friendship day, secretary day, pool-boy day you figured that Hallmark would have had its share of 'non-sense' polarizing holidays... but no!!! Cincinnati is quite special... people here are so obsessed with being married, being engaged or just being extra committed that here, in couples-ville, they must celebrate Valentines day TWICE a year. Yup! Feb 14th wasnt enough for these folk... today, the 3rd saturday of october, is Sweetest Day. Seriously???

the tide rises

but it also recedes. And with every circle today was bound to come... Today was one of "those" days, and by 'those" I mean "damn, I wish I had boyfriend" kind of days. I know it sounds crazy coming out of my mouth... well, at least I hope it does because I shouldnt want to have a boyfriend. Just last week I told myself no official boyfriends for one year. But today I did want it, and more than once...

Usually I get out of bed and sing along to the radio while I get dressed but today I was just exhausted, so instead I ate my breakfast while I watched the Weather Channel. As I stared numbly at the tv I wished I had someone to tell me to have a great day inspite of the crappy ass weather.

Work was crazy crazy crazy... there were 2 really 'high' moments, and a few shitty moments... I told my manager something I think I shouldnt have. I just wanted to get it off my chest, and she was the only 'trustworthy' person around. I wish I could have called someone just to vent for 2 minutes... I guess I could have called Sasquatsch but our relationship has been different lately, he has been so busy for me and I didnt feel comfortable.

When I got home from work I was just so tired, so drained, and so needy... I took off my work clothes and lay down in bed in hopes of making it all better but my bed just seemed too big, it felt too empty and then I wished I could have snuggled with someone who made it feel a little better.

Once dinner time came around, I managed to burn the leftover rice... other than dealing with the extra cleaning and the burnt smell, I ended up having to make a new batch... so now I have tons of rice... a whole new pot just for me, one person...

I know it sounds like a crappy day but after I showered, somehow I felt totally rejuvenated. I was in a good mood, I felt beautiful, I wasnt bothered by any of those things anymore... but sometimes along with my great mood comes this crazy desire to be wanted. And even though I did get some attention from boys on the phone, it just wasnt the same. Conversations with these boys are so shallow... I feel I have to be Ms. Bubbly instead of just me... and above all, I wanted to be touched, to close my eyes and exhale and just enjoy the soft touches on my skin.

But nope! I just dont get to get that. You cant have the best of both worlds... and now it doesnt even matter anyways bcuz the day is finally done... and tomorrow I shouldnt feel this way anymore. These days only come from time to time... and Im glad its now bed time.

Pree

shave where? everywhere!

Right when I thought there was nothing fun procrastinate on... I ran into this website: www.shaveeverywhere.com It is hillarious!!! Some funny screenshots...





Ohh... the joys of procrastination...

too much to tell

I know I havent written in a while but too much has happened and I just dont even know where to begin. Maybe I will write about the weekend tomorrow or something but for now I'll just say that:
* I can already see work being extremely stressful... I felt like crying at one of my meetings today.
* I got this national SWE position and Im thrilled to be getting active in SWE again.
* I really should watch how much I drink when I go out.
* I started swimming again and its insane how peaceful it makes me feel.
* Ive been talking to some friends more than usual and others less than I want to...

Ohhh... one more thing.... Im going out with this guy this week and only after I agreed to it, I found out he is 37!!! He seems really fun though... we'll see how this turns out!

Pree

hitting the books... again.

This week I had the amazing opportunity of hearing two amazing speakers - Malcom Gladwell and Brian Uzzi. Yet another perk of working for corporate america! I did learn a lot at this work conference but hearing these two speakers were really the icing on the cake.

As expected Malcolm drew his talk from 'Blink'. The Q&A session afterwards was really insightful but for the most part he just reminded me of all the cool things I learned when I read Blink. The guy has an amazing sense of humor too which obviously makes it all even better.

Now... Brian Uzzi. This man impressed me tremendously; everything from his delivery to the insights to the humor! He talked primarily about social networks. As we all know, financial capital (i.e. cash) has long been replaced by intellectual capital and the value that each individual adds to the business. But now a change has started and as intellectual capital supply increases (and its value decreases), social network capital will become more and more valuable. He covered ideas we are all well familiar with from the Tipping Point like mavens vs connectors. He talked about trust in relationships and how it can be detrimental to building networks (seems counter-intuitive but it really makes sense). I was so impressed by him and all his knowledge! So much so that I think I want to go to Northwestern so I can have him as my MBA professor. I know I had said that driving 5hrs to Chicago every Saturday for 3 years is way too much but I can deal with taht in 3-5 years when I actually have to do it.

First I gotta hit the books and get over the top GMAT scores... but for now Im making dinner and hopefully making it to the post office before they close.

Pree


PS: Other than this work has been really stretching me. Its amazing how much Ive learned but at the same time it can be so frustrating! It takes me 3 times as long to do everything. I know its a learning process but you know how impatient I am!

It all starts with 'Boy meets girl'

A long time ago, an ex tried justifying his lack of self-control by saying that I was responsible for him cheating on me. According to him, if it happened so often then the fault had to be on me and not on the 'respectable' guys I choose to date. As we can see that was nothing but a reaffirmation that dumping him was the smartest thing I did in that relationship. A few months ago I had a brief moment of stupidity where I actually considered what he said to be true. Since then Ive developed my own theory of how maybe we are both at fault... the ex's and me.

This is how it works....
Boy meets girl but doesnt put much thought into it, if anything he is intimidated by her. Boy starts realizing that girl is kinda strong, independent, tenacious, stubborn, self-sufficient, confident and a bit rough around the edges. Boy is inexplicably attracted to all these qualities... he claims to want a woman who can stand on her own 2 feet. He claims that all his previous girlfriends were 'too needy' or fragile or that they had to be taken care of. Girl warns boy that he wont really like how 'strong' she is. Boy denies it all and falls in love with girl. Girl is skeptical but at his request she brings down the walls and falls in love with boy.

As time passes the excitement of dating a 'strong woman' starts to be replaced by a growing fear of insecurity. Boy wants the girl to somehow show him that she loves him too. The girl feels that choosing to be with him instead of someone else/or alone is a very clear sign that she wants him, the girl does little things for him to show that she loves him... but all along the boy knows that she doesnt need him... the boy sees threats where there are none, the boy wants her to change (to need him) but they both know she wont. She wants to be with him, she loves him but that is not enough for him... because the fear of possibly being replaced haunts him; and in all his insecurities and all his weakness and selfishness he decides to go find some needy girl who cant stand on her own 2 feet... because after all, she does need him. And in the end thats what he wants.

So you see... he is the one that chooses to be unfaithful... he is the one who chooses to become the man he swore to himself never to be, he is the one who chooses to disrespect himself, the girl he 'loves' and the new girl who 'needs' him. He is the owner of their fate.
But you know, I am partially responsible too... but not because of what I do or dont do. But because of who I am. I understand the importance of compromise, but being strong, independent and tenacious are non-negotiable. So in the end of the day, there may not be many men out there who really do want a woman like me, there may not be any... and Im okay with that. Its taken me a while to get back to here, but I can stand here once again and believe every word of it.

Pree

“Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.”
Henri Frederic Amiel

work-a-holic? not yet.

Ive had training at work all of this week. Other than gaining some extra pounds I learned some pretty neat things (yay for ethnic and volume forecasting... kinda). The least useful and yet the funniest were two 'analogies' I heard from a co-worker...

- Work-life balance is the unicorn around here. Everyone has heard about it, everyone has talked about it, everyone knows what it is supposed to look like, if you saw one you would recognize it, you have been keeping an eye out for it and none have passed by. Worse of all, when you talk to other people it turns out that they have ever seen one either.

- Traveling for work is like selling hot dogs at the Super Bowl. Yeah you get to go to the big game, you get to be there when thousands of people wish they could, but its not like you actually watch the game. Instead you spend the whole time with your back to it, instead of enjoying it you spend the whole time worried about everything but the game... and when something cool happens you just miss it and get to see other people enjoy it.

About time they hung

They say 30 is the new 20, but Im pretty sure that doesnt apply to me because I feel my body in the time schedule of a senior citizen. I wish that entitled me to the discounts but instead Im just stuck with funky eating and sleeping times. I want to have lunch at 11, dinner at 5 and be in bed by 8... I do force myself to catch that second wind... which is dying out right about now. So forgive my 'drowsy fingers'. Im going to keep this short...

My mom visited me for a couple of days and it was nice. We did tourist-y things in Cincinnati and I actually really appreciate the city a little more (not that I didnt before, but telling someone new how cool it is made me believe it a little more too). She clearly had rock-bottom expectations bcuz her level of satisfaction with the city was almost fake. Her visit had some definitively interesting conversations and remarks but that will have to wait for a time Im more awake...

I got home from the airport a little while ago and surveying the place to see what she forgot I paid more attention to what she did to my apartment while I was at work today. Not bad but it will get some getting used to where everything is now. Also...

- My paintings, diploma, awards and 'knick-knacks' now cover my once hospital looking walls. (my 200$-frame with 10$Prague-paintings look fabulous in the living room... after all that money and effort, its about time they hung on my wall)
- Im now left with 2 kilos of chocolate (i know its not real punishment but it sure doesnt help me get thinner)
- Mom unpacked the last 4 boxes that were in the living room (to me they had become invisible but hey, I wasnt going to stop her)
- My 'Goodwill' corner has doubled in size
- Mom 'reorganized' my whole place and from what I noticed she must have crossed paths with a few items that maybe she would have preferred not to know about (ok, Im the one who wishes she hadnt but still... privacy!!)
- And my ultimate 'favorite' (read sarcasm)... so that I dont feel 'alone' in my room I now have this pink 4-foot doll sitting in the corner and staring at me with its plum-sized blue stitched eyes.

[picture of doll to go here if I can find my camera in the apartment... if she kept it in her purse i am seriously going to CRYYYYYYYYY]

Where she got it from? Dont ask... all I have to say is, I have kept some mementos for wayy too many years... which in itself could be a whole post (oh dont act so surprised now, im not that easy to read)

Now off to sleep under the watch of scary 'Emily' (thats not a pseudo, it has been her name for the last 8 years Ive had her... i know, i can be so pathetic at times...)

P

boy troubles NOT: part deux

In no way, shape, or form are boys the most important thing in my life... there are plenty of things that trump it, but boys do make for some of the most 'exquisite' stories from my day to day life... partially bcuz I dont think I should talk about work here, and partially bcuz I sure dont want to blab about all the 'me' things I do. But for some highlights...

Crazy convos / texts this week

- "To make [a f*** buddy] work you have to follow rules... so you don't get attached. No kissing, no cuddling, stuff like that... and you cant care if they hook up with someone the next day." (alright.. im taking notes... just in case, you know...)

- "If the ass is not sacred, then what is?" (::speechless::)

- "Its not just where your hands are, its where they are going that really matter" (okay.... ideas running through my mind... continue...)

- "Maybe we should hook up and find out" (you are all talk! and we both know it)

- "why did you put the breaks on [us hooking up]" Seriously dude!!! Now that is just crappy timing!

- "Oh you are not alone... we all have a crush on him. He is just so, so cute! Did you know he asked tall-blond-who-has-a-boyfriend to the symphony?" (WHAT?!?!?! Thats it, I dont like him anymore! damn this boy)


So here I stand... with a boy who I might like in a way that I shouldnt, a boy that is refreshment for sore eyes but has nothing more to offer, a boy that calls me (instead of his gf) when he is drunk, a boy that might like me and that i might unwillingly be leading on, a boy i respect too much to make a move on and a girl who obviously gets along with boys way more than girls but nonetheless is loving being single!

C'est la vie!

Pree

id do it all again

there is something truly therapeutic about shopping... maybe its the rush of finding that perfect shirt marked down by 50%, maybe its just the joy of having something new, most likely than not its just satisfying this consumerist need that has been driven into our brains. But too much of anything can be a bad thing... and after 6 hours in an outlet mall, trying on over 40 different pieces of clothes and carrying heavy bags on an empty stomach... shopping just gets to you. Actually... it gets to your bank account. I just looked online to see how much I spent today... and let me tell you, its literally 3 times more than I thought it'd be... and Im not talking about a couple of 20s... so much for paying off my credit cards... But no buyers remorse here, especially with the sexy 'lil black dress' i got (it was 200+ before the discount)... there really is something to be said about clothes that make you feel like the sexiest person on earth... and quite frankly, the sexier I feel the happier they get... heheh...


Yet another weekend of no regrets =)
Pree

privacy?

This weekend I got thinking of 'privacy'... and how little I usually care about my own. Slippers asked me how can I always be so eager to publish my life and problems for the world to read. Honestly, I dont think anyone reads it... and even if someone did, I really couldnt give a rats ass what they think of me. Im an open book, I have always been... ask and I shall answer.
However, thinking about it I realized that I should probably not put peoples name on my blog. Although I dont care, the people I talk about might actually not be too crazy about their lives online also. There is no sense in going back and changing all of my old posts. But from now on, I will try to come up with 'pseudos' for anyone I mention.

P

PS: I know I havent posted a lot this week, but I'll do it tomorrow for sure...

just wat the doc recommended

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, this weekend I went to Seattle to visit an old friend. As it was expected, I slept barely at all, we talked for endless hours, and if I had a dollar for every time I smiled this weekend, id have enough to fly there again next weekend...

Its funny how things are… on Friday I was all worried that perhaps flying across the country to see someone I barely talked to wasnt a very smart idea. I was concerned things would be awkward but instead it felt just as comfortable and relaxing as slipping into those favorite flannel pjs and lounging around the house...

The weekend was packed with amazing stuff... brunch at the Space Needle, an afternoon learning all things music at the Experience Music Project, the 'moon rise' at the bay, I got video of some flying salmon at the the Pike Place Market and tons more. In spite of having shared some nerdiness, we did skip the SciFi exhibit downtown and instead visited the first Starbucks store where we failed to help bums because they didn’t take Paypal. How could I forget to mention... I smoked some delicious apple hookah, it smelled so good... I could still smell the sweet smoke on my skin hours later when I finally went to sleep.

I really like this friend of mine. I always respected him tons, most defitinely the smartest guy I ever met and without a doubt one of the few people I truly admire. It is sad that we never keep in touch... but I am happy for the times we do.

All in all, it was a fabulous and ‘interesting’ weekend and I wouldn’t have changed a single second of it.

Pree =)

EDIT: Come to think of it, I would change one thing... I would have made it a 3 day weekend at least.

woo and wine

I went to this wine tasting thing yesterday and it was lots of fun. But who wants to hear about wine when I can instead talk about boys... SOOO many cute guys... I seriously need to work on my 'approaching random ppl and striking up conversation skills'. BUT... the cute guy from work was there. And we talked for a few minutes. Heheh... my chest still feels tight and I feel out of breath when I talk to him. It was so hard to keep my composure, but I did ok. I pointed him out to the girls and they too think he is attractive but not out of my league. Needless to say Im thrilled about all this =)

On a similar note, I think I went on a date the other day... I didnt think it was one but he might have thought so. Im so bad at picking up these signals.

And last but not least on my list of boys, Felipe and I talked on the phone forever yesterday... it was really nice =)

Alright... time to pack for Seattle!

Pree

epiphany

I went to mass today and I felt it was tailored just for me... I have heard the readings about the prodigal son and about the lost sheep and the lost coin many times before, but I never heard them addressed like i did today... and its made me think a lot tonight...

I realized a lot of things but my epiphany from today's mass is that sometimes the longest journey is the one with the shortest distance. Sometimes the people who are physically closest to us are the ones we distance ourselves from the most. Usually its not intentional... but if we are not careful, we end up so blinded in our privilege and righteousness, so satisfied with just 'not doing anything bad' that we leave it at that. What we should be doing instead is actively 'working on doing good'... I guess what I mean is that, because we 'think' we arent doing anything wrong its doesnt mean we are doing things right. And we tend to fall into that trap more often when we are close to these ppl (wether its God, family or friends). See, thats how we end up taking people for granted, and after we reach a certain 'distance' we can just end up distancing ourselves forever.

Thats what the prodigal son is about... its not just about forgiving the sinner, but being the sinner and not knowing it. Its when you are close that you dont think of what you are doing... when you are close you think of rightesouly of 'avoiding the bad' instead of doing good and so you passively 'stay on course'. Its almost like you trick yourself into a spot you never meant to be in... the worse part is that usually these are the ones that the fight is the hardest and most rewarding.

I never thought that being the prodigal son would seem easier than being the one who stays and is faithful in word and deed to his father. Maybe this is why I feel converts have much stronger faith than those who are born and raised in the faith.

Maybe Im totally wrong about all this, but they are making me think. I am starting to love this church... this priest is really good.

<3 Pree
----------------------------------------------------
Some of the other things I realized after church were:

* Sometimes I do things that make me proud, so proud I surprise myself. When that happens I attribute it to luck... Sometimes I've done things I've regretted so much that its made me wonder if I ever really did them or if it was all a nightmare. When that happens I tend to beat it over my head for ever. What I dont know what to do is when the same thing makes me feel proud and regret all at once. How can you regret something you are proud of? or how can you be proud of something you regret?

* When I pray I say "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". So I forgive you, God forgives me (and you)... but then when do I forgive me? I never pray that I forgive myself. I think I need to start praying for that because I dont know how to forgive myself. I still have a lot to work on...

murphy's law

maybe its the time of the month, maybe ive been drinking spoiled milk, maybe my brain is playing tricks on me... but boy, oh boy... ive just been attracted to boys a lot more than usual... let me rephrase that, ive been noticing them more than usual... almost in a freakish way!
Today i had to stop myself from thinking what it must be like to kiss this guy i met. He must be around 27, works at GE, engineering (i.e. smart) and his teeth were so amazingly beautiful!!! I was telling myself 'look at his eyes, look at his eyes' only to find they were just as beautiful. He bought me a beer =) heheh... Then there was this guy last night and he seems like he makes a fabulous friend so I gave him my number and we've texted all day today... then of course there is the guy from the meeting at work the other day. (so wouldnt mind hooking up with him) I thought that was over but NOPE! I found out he is the guy my manager thinks is perfect for me (i totally agree). She doesnt stop telling me about him... from what she's said I found out he is 1) an overachiever 2) cute to someone other than me 3) into travelling (i stalked him on facebook)!!! Best part is I figured out a non-stalkerish way of getting him to have lunch with me at work!!!

It must be the hormones!!! or maybe its that whole murphy's law that says 'when u arent looking they get all over you' rule... I really dont have time for boys... but damn! ive been meeting some god-damn goodlooking men! I love this whole being single thing =) Im really starting to like cincinnati a whole lot more.

Im going out tonight and lets see if I can get some free drinks =) heheh

ANyways... my ride is here... gotta go!
<3 Pree

boy troubles NOT

After my mtg with my manager yesterday I was all like ‘boys just get in the way of me being successful at work. Then today I have this whatever meeting that I didn’t want to go to… and oh my, oh my…. Who would have thought I would feel so stupid after talking to a boy. Not getting my hopes up, because quite frankly I don’t even know him and didn’t REALLY get a good look… but hey, he smells TOTALLY amazing.

I saw him, didn’t make much of it. But then when he talked to me all of a sudden I felt my chest get all tight. But anyways… we just made small talk before this mtg. And then after the mtg he was the first one to strike convo again. Asking me where Im from and this and that...
I feel silly. Oh so silly, I feel silly and giddy and gayyyyyy….
I bet this will soon pass...
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I wrote the stuff above during my lunch break... and low and behold, the excitement did pass. By the time I got off work I was feeling w/e about it... too bad, too sad. off to SALSA!!!!!!!!

<3 Pree

inappropriate weather and talks

Last week Cincinnati's weather broke many of its previous 'Record highs'... we didnt go below 94 degrees and at night it was usually on the 80s. This week the temperature dropped over 20 degrees! The days are pleasant (in the 70s) but this weekend, we will actually reach the 40s!!! What happened? Whoever up there keeps track of weather should really straighten up... It sure seems like St. Peter went to sleep during the summer, and hit the snooze button way too many times when it was time to gradually lower the temperature. Instead he got up this week and said 'oh my! we are 50 degrees too hot! no problem' and just droped that thermostat as low as it would go. I am sure you are saying to yourself that all this crazy weather is really a sign of global warming and nature acting up... but I like my story better. At least there is someone to blame!

As far as nature acting up, she sure is! My ovaries have spent the last 2 hours reminding me of their existence. I know they are there, but still they insist on kicking and screaming... totally unnecesary. Mother nature has proven to me monthly with very clear signs that I have ovaries. I most defitinely know I have them. Now why do they insist on causing this scene every time?!? Maybe they actually enjoy the drugs, maybe they want me to take pills, maybe thats it... or maybe Im just going crazy.

Speaking of ovaries (i know... where could this sentence lead us!) today I had some very interesting conversation at work... during my on-boarding with my HR contact we discussed my birth control (thank God for huddle rooms), I got advice from my boss' boss on good gyno's locally and last but not least my manager openly told me how she is changing my training plan so that I meet more single men! I couldnt help but laugh... Her rationale is: we like you, we want you to stay in cincinnati, if you are alone you might get bored/sad, then you might move and leave the company... so she really did suggest changes to my training plan so that I will meet these (few) available men... lol! At least she said the one from finance is cute (and im assuming smart!)...

Enough blabing for today.

<3 Pree

laughing at old memories

Today I ran into some videos... I compiled them quickly and this is what came out.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~e.e. cummings
What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. ~Yiddish Proverb
A laugh is a smile that bursts. ~Mary H. Waldrip
We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh. - Agnes Repplier
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron

Pain is inevitable

Suffering is optional.

Or so they say (ouch)... and so I choose time after time to drag myself into a state of suffering. Suffering (or agony really...ouch) that is so strong at the moment, and that comes back the next day to fill me with regret. Needless to say... I am happy to announce I might be turning into a masochist. My abs are so sore it hurts to laugh, with every step I take I feel knives piercing the back of my calves, typing hurts (ouch) bcuz my shoulders feel like they are pinned as if I was a puppet... I cant believe I pay for this! But hey... all for the pursuit of beauty! (ouch)

I was at the gym today, and for some reason I was in considerably more pain than usual... I felt this sharp sharp pain on my side. I felt my face so hot I was sure I was going into combustion. I wasnt sweating much (thank god) but thats when I realized how truly pathetic I must look to other people. (Not that I didnt know before, but today I must have looked worse than usual.) I have heard I am the most expressive person in the world... the sounds I make (yes, I do make sounds at the gym... my p.t. thinks Im weird too)... the faces I make (i might even pull a muscle there too)... I am usually really bad about hiding my emotions / thoughts / feelings. And everything about me today must have shown how much pain my whole body was in.

But dont think I quit! No no no! I still did my 45 minutes of killer cardio. Because whats worse than feeling all that aichy burning body pain? Getting on the treadmill last and leaving first! Thats the thing with the gym... I cant help but believe that the ppl next to me laugh at how pathetic I must look. Or they just feel good being better than me. So I suck it up and keep running... but today I felt like dying! So I sure wish I had burned more than the stupid 400 calories the machine told me I shed. Shouldnt this whole gym thing get easier as I go??? Why am I more and more sore??
And no matter how sore I am.. I still look fat!!!!!!!!! NOO, you know what!?!... what really drives me crazy is that everytime I get there they scan my gym card and smilling say "Enjoy your workout!"
YEAH RIGHT!

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From Scrubs...
Dr. Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.
Turk: What?
Dr. Cox: Do you understand the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.

salsa but no chips

butt-um-bum... bad joke!

For a few years ive been wanting to enroll in salsa lessons. My reasons have ranged from not looking like a fool to picking up guys to just having fun... If you've ever seen me dance, you know I never took the lessons. See I learned not to care - or just to drink enough until I didnt care. But last week for the first time ever I decided to drag my butt into 'class'.
Class was nothing like what I expected (i know i know... i gotta stop having expectations). There were about 20 people and including myself probably 3 'latinos'. More women than men (boo face). Primarily couples (BOO face). And tons of them were from work (BOO FACE) We learned two 8-count steps and I think I would get a B (probably a B+) on my 'performance'. But if you put in a 'curve' for all the clumpsy men Id so have an A!!!
I know I cant dance. I know I need some tequila in me to really let loose and get some movement in me... but damn! we had to rotate every few counts and so every girl got to dance with every guy and like that you could learn to accomodate different partners... you know, its hard to accomodate some ppl when they step on your feet... or when their knee keeps on hitting your leg... or when they are dripping sweat on you.
But you know what... as much as I wish I got partners that led me instead of trample me, I give these men a props for trying =) And hence.. I shall be there again on Thursday night... hopefully this time we will ALL be more coordinated otherwise I might need a new pair of feet.

<3 Pree

not everything changes

They say that time changes things,
but you actually have to change them yourself.
- Andy Warhol

Since August 2002, I have done a lot of things... a lot of time has passed... Ive created so many new memories that somehow it would seem that things I experienced back then wouldnt be so 'real' anymore. I could count in one hand how many times Ive talked to this one friend since then. But the other night, when I was already in bed almost asleep, my phone rang and to my surprise (and his) I recognized his voice immediately. What amazes me the most isnt that I can remember his voice... but how natural and comfortable it seemed to chat the night away. And chat we sure did... so much that I ended up oversleeping and was almost late for training at work! All worth it though... It really is amazing how hard it is to make conversation with people I see everyday but so easy with someone I have seen/talked to once in the last 5 years. It really says something about how well we connect =) I know we will probably go for a long time without talking again but I hope that we dont wait for months and months to pass before giving each other a call. He invited me for a wknd but Im not sure if ill be able to make it. Hell, I should take advantage of it soon otherwise we might just meet up again at an AARP convention.

<3 Pree

props for being a blog junkie

So there are quite a few blogs I follow regularly... long story short, today I found a post so funny that I saved one of the entries. Interestingly enough the writer deleted it shortly after... but I kept it!!! hehehe... Anyways... Here it is... on his own words:

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** Things I Don’t Understand About Porn **

Why are there credits?

While I understand that the “actresses” elect to get implants because men like big boobies, are they altogether unaware that we can totally tell they’re fake? Is that OK for us to know? Is it cool for us to see the huge scars and the rippling effect and the preposterous wrongness of their size in relation to the rest of the woman's body? I thought the whole idea of fakeness is make people believe that what they see is real, even though it isn’t. Am I over-thinking this?

Sometimes things get in people’s eyes. Is this type of workplace hazard eligible for a worker’s comp claim?

Where do these people find their stage names? I’ve never known of a “community” so densely inhabited by people with one name. “Nice to meet you, friend. My name’s Peppermill.” “Pleased to make your acquaintance, Peppermill. My name’s Kiwi. I live three houses down, between Schlong and Pussywillow.”

Is anyone else disturbed to the point of nausea by the shots taken from behind and slightly underneath the male lead’s junk? Looks like the inside of Snuffaluffagus’ left nostril.

Sometimes the “actresses” look bored, as though they’d rather be reading a Sidney Sheldon book than lay there while Schlong grunts and drips sweat all over her. Is that a natural phenomenon?

Why do some of the “actresses” have to scream so much? Is that hot?

Don’t the cast members (pun intended) know that what they’re doing creates the perfect environment for the spread of cooties?

When casting an adult film, are there actual discussions about which “actress” is right for each part? “No, not her. She’s not flexible enough. And she has a mole.”

What are the qualifications for the job of titling for these movies? Beyond a filthy sense of humor and an address of “my parents’ basement”, how does one know he’s right for the job of naming a movie “What Can The Brown Eye Do For You?”

clean up on isle 5

i broke the rules AGAIN... I had dinner with felipe today. I told him shit I promised myself not to tell him. I cried yet fucking again. I used the L word. Whats the point of scrapping myself off the floor if ill just kick myself down again... whats the point of showing him i give a shit if it has gotten me nowhere?... whats the point of even trying to open up and let him (and a whole restaurant) see me vulnerable? oh yeah! "hope" - that lame ass thing that justifies getting out of bed every morning. hope that today is the day ill stop hoping and will know that its all been worth it.

Anyways... I wish I could say dinner was what I expected, but in all honesty I don't even know if I had set expectations. I cried more than I wanted/hoped but w/e. Dinner was more of a means to an end... I want to get to "happy place together" soon. Over and over Ive felt that "shielding each other" was a load of crap and that "open and honest communication" was a must to get there. Was it open and honest? uh debatable... Are we there yet? No... Was it worth it? Yes.

A few not so great things... Obviously 'sorry' or 'i would take it all back if i could' arent things that came out of his mouth... because after all saying it once was enough for him. Im sure he 'feels' those things and because of it I have tried hard to forgive and forget. But damn sometimes i wish remorse looked that carefree on me too. Most important though... I cant believe he still wont tell me the truth... Ive asked so many times. I should have known better than to believe him when the other night he promised he would tell me on monday... as a matter of fact he promised that without me saying anything he would come over to hang out and he would bring it up. Needless to say... it didnt happen. So today when I ask for the gazillionth time for the truth what do I get? Oh yeah.. no response! Big surprise.

Speaking of surprises... or lack of... he didnt talk much. But thats him... and that part i remember well. He did say a few things that made things better. Also I heard something in his voice that said ;im trying' instead of the usual 'when is this going to be over' which gives me hope... bcuz in the end all we can do is try our best. Overall it had a lot of good things... there are still some words that I need to work on swallowing... "i promise" / "i care" / "i meant to call"... he means no harm when he says them but the red flags still go popping. I am trying to accept them and Im sure soon it will be easier. I really am glad we talked... I want to be friends. I want to make progress. I think he liked spending time together too. He "invited" me over on Thursday.

Best part of the night... getting a good look at his crotch (j/k... thats just for u felipe).
No... spending time together in general was good. But honestly best part was everything before we actually talked about any of the "less than pleasant" stuff. He told me about work and Cincinnati and stuff. I just love it... I love just doing nothing together. Just chatting about anything and everything. I wish we would do that all the freaking time. Just spend time together chatting and laughing. I love how "at home" it can still feel.

I dont understand why i bother but in the end of the day... i love him. Sometimes I hate myself for even caring, but you know... I do. i actually give a damn, i actually worry whether he is happy with 'her' and with work and with his roommate. So maybe i can just embrace that somehow and learn how to love him for who he is, and not who i think he could be. I clearly expect too much of ppl... he is a good person. I wouldnt have given so much for him if he wasnt. I should just be more realistic.

c'est la vie!
<3 Pree

PS: I should have known better than to think of all this last night... i dreamt of felipe all night long... argg

the moon perhaps?

alright... for the past few weeks lil jack and I havent been getting along too well. It sure isnt for lack of trying but it got to a point that I seriously considered 'dumping' him and buying a new one. I dont know if the problem is with me or if I just got too used to him. Anyways... today he finally came through =) but if things dont get easier quicker i might have to go shopping. See the problem is that lately Ive been more up for it (probably making up for europe time)... lately ive thought about it more often... Lately Ive been feeling really sexy and comfortable in my own skin. I started sleeping naked and I love the sheets against my skin... ive been spending most of my time at home in nothing but my robe... ive been thinking a lot about getting professional nude pictures...

It could be the gym, or the sexy lacy thongs, or the brazilian, or maybe its just a phase of the moon...
but you know... times like this is when i miss a boyfriend... because as much as i enjoy seeing and feeling myself barely (if even) clothed, it sure would be nice to parade around for someone else... but come think of it, I could manage to just have a fuck-buddy... no emotional fuss and someone would get to enjoy my new sexy underwear other than me. Too bad that is highly unlikely... but hey, its not impossible. Where there is a will, there is a way ;-)