Consciously Incompetent

Work has been not too great. This week I wondered twice how could I have possibly been hired if all I do is mess up. My self-esteem is down in the gutter. People said I did good this week, but I dont believe them... on my opinion they were just feeling bad for getting angry at me so many times. When things were hectic they were all quick to tell me how I should have done this or that differently. I overheard some of my team partners say that all I do is sit on my ass and hence mess up all our timelines. The amount of stress I felt this week I havent felt in at least a year. I worked every hour that I wasn't asleep and that still wasnt enough for me not to mess up a billion times. We worked 12+ hour days everyday, shared every meal together and the only privacy I had was the 3 hours I was working in my room before I passed out asleep. The week is over but honestly, its going to get worse before it gets better...

I went out last night drinking because I had to let loose somehow... but it turns out my friends are all stressed about work too. So we drink and we bitch about work... on how great it is, on how we know it will be better, on how we know it will be okay and how tomorrow isnt coming soon enough! So I stress about it some more... and then when I finally get home, to my space, my bed, my time... I dream about work! I wake up at 8am freaking out that I overslept and how I cant be late. I go back to sleep just to dream of how I didnt do things right this last week.

I knew it was going to be bad. I've always known that the transition to work wasnt supposed to be easy... Ive always known that working here would stretch me and stretch me and when I thought I would break they would stretch me some more. I always knew Id have too much responsibility with too little experience. They email me once a week to remind me that I should be feeling miserable right now. BUT I also have always been 'above average' and so many things that should be tough I usually do okay with. Not this time!

Although Ive felt all this stress I never thought Id be fired. But my manager sure made me worry when she said 'You must be stressed now... I remember when I used to think that I could get fired at any moment. Dont worry, it passes.' GREAT! Should I have been worried about getting fired too? I wasnt before... I dont think I will but maybe I should be worried about that?

So I sit here, wanting someone to talk to so that I can fill my head with something other than to-do lists... My dinner plans should help, but its still 6 hours away...

I just need to hold tight and plow through. It will eventually get better (at least I hope).
Pree