spotless mind?

I still wake up in the morning and don't remember thats its over. I still wake up in the morning expecting him to call me or snuggle up with me and tell me how much he loves me and how nothing will ever come between us. Is that even normal? or am I just diseased? I wonder if its like this when someone close to you dies... if you wake up everyday to the crude realization that they are gone.

The first 10 minutes of my waking hours are spent remembering that indeed life has changed and that I'm angry. So everyday its this uphill battle again and again. I spend the whole day trying to crawl out of this sh*thole that Im in. I spend all day reminding myself of all the wrong, building up my walls, learning to put hate where love once was... just to wake up the next day at the bottom of the pit one more time. I just want to be indifferent, it would be so much easier.... but I dont even know how to do that! I used to be so good at this break up thing... "You dont want me? well, your loss. Vanish from my life to never come back." and for the most part that worked. This time Im having a hard time with the whole "vanishing" thing. Because either in the morning, or in the night, or during the day these stupid memories creep into my mind again... as if they had a free pass to my consciousness.

Then I guess I should just push back all the memories... Im not talking to him anymore, so I cant form new memories. So then there will be nothing left but a serious of memories that, as he would say, "are just so distant" that I probably wont even care anymore. Actually, I guess the best thing I can do is just erase all them... maybe instead of trying to hold on to the bad ones, I should just work at erasing ALL of them. Then its as if he was never there, and then why would I miss something that never existed to begin with? But how do I do that? How do I erase everything Ive held dear to? I wish there was a pill I could take... forget everything about him. His smile, his eyes, his smell, his touch, his voice... It reminds me of that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". If I could actually completely erase my brain of him... I would. I dont see any other way.