in the middle of the night

Last night Rachel and I talked for 2 hours and 45 minutes... it was 3 AM when I finally went to sleep. See, thats the problem when you roommate lives in the West Coast and you live on EST. I know, I know.. she is not my roomie anymore. But if you heard us talk, we might as well be. Instead of telling you all about our convo I will just give you some highlights...

Perfect Man
* I told her my new criteria for my next guy. Her response: "yeah... that doesnt exist". But she did recommend I look into Mr. Wonderful . Its a possibility.
* We agreed that half of my criteria will probably become irrelevant if I actually want to go on more dates.
* In spite of me wanting to keep an age restriction of 24/25 years old, Rachel convinced me to change it to 24-28 years old. Men are way behind on maturity level anyways.

Crappy Things Now that Im Out of College / Growing Up
* Work just sucks the life out of you. And all your friends work too, so calling someone at midnight or 2PM just isnt acceptable anymore.
* "When was the last time you got tested?" might actually be a way of hinting that you are interested in sleeping with them... what a sad/harsh reality.
* Not being able to just skip work and hang out in pjs all day or go to the beach (especially me being in Cincinnati and all).
* Going out on Fridays and calling it a night by midnight!

Things I Cant Believe We Discussed
* My "oh-so-perfect" ex didnt figure out my bday gift all by himself!!! And here I was putting him on a pedestal...
* Maybe if you dont have sex with them for the first 6 months of the relationship then they wont cheat on you... (I gotta try this one bcuz seriously this is just ridiculous)
* We kinda made a bet about how overworked and anti-social someone is...
* I told her about Ayola's discovery... "after you are intimate with 12 ppl, then you find the right one"! No thank you very much.

Its funny how "normal" staying up til 3AM on the phone feels like... my whole life Ive furthered my relationships this way... whether it was all nighters in high school, or gChats at 3am or drunk calls in the middle of the night. There is something about the night time that allows conversations just to flow... no interruptions, no other noises, the darkness... all of a sudden you connect with the other person like you just wouldnt over a lunch talk. The way I see it, 3 hour convos are a great thing.

Anyways, enough blabing. I gotta go to the gym. Overall yesterday was a reallyyyyy good day. I worked out tons, dinner was good, made progress on scrapbooking and talked to my roomie =)
Im so pumped about the weekend!!!

r.i.p.

So tonight I sat here and wrote this long post on how I felt and how I was upset at myself. Then berto called just to chat and its amazing how much perspective he brings to my life. So I kind of edited the post to reflect how I feel tonight...
Tonight I got shaken up a bit. Tonight, me (and then the rest of Facebook community) found out that felipe is officially dating his new girlfriend. In spite of my better judgment I let that get to me. It got to me and then I got so angry for letting myself care. So in order to not let it happen again I tried to understand why I cared and why it got to me.

I thought maybe I cared because his break-up email said "it's not about some girl who is hundreds of miles away". I thought maybe I cared because he promised he wouldn't date anyone since he needed "time to get himself together". I thought maybe I cared because I think he deserves something better or because I dont believe he really will be happy with her. I know that I wasnt upset because I "wanted" him bcuz I know I don't want him anymore and that he cant make me happy.

So I've put some thought into it and I am pretty sure I cared because once again it reinforced to me that the person I used to love is dead. If you look at him, to you he will look just the same... but if like me, you try to see past the everyday stuff, you see that the real person behind it all is just not the same anymore... not everything was perfect but I loved Feli because of how comfortable I felt with him, because from day one we could talk about anything and everything, because we were honest with each other, because we could be goofy together, because he always seemed so in control of himself, because he loved and protected his friends above all things, because he said what he meant and meant what he said. To each other I felt we were honest about our downfalls... how we can take people for granted, how we can be selfish, how he was afraid of commitment and I was afraid of letting work take over. But I also felt we were honest about overcoming those downfalls and being open about our moments of weakness.

The last time I heard my feli was when I called him from the Miami airport. In tears I told him how afraid I was things would change... and just like usual he knew how to put me at ease and make me smile. But since that day the man I knew so well disappeared completely... when I look at felipe now I see a different person. I see a boy who is nothing like the person I knew.
I dont know how he changed/disappeared... it makes no difference how or why. For his own sake, I had hoped that in his 'search' he would find that person again. But now it doesnt seem he will come out again anytime soon. All that is left is a boy I dont know. A boy who I could never be happy with.

So tonight is just another reminder that Im done. That Im happier this way. Next I just need to deal with the fact that Im really disappointed that I let it all get to me. I need to work on not being so harsh on myself.

For now good night.
<3 Pree

i want you to want to do the dishes

I had a funny conversation with my bestfriend this weekend. We were talking about how "irrational" women supposedly are... I said we are quite simple to understand while he believed there are absolutely no ways of explaining our behavior. It went something like this...

Me: Just because we say something it doesnt mean that we really mean it
Him: See that is crazy!
Me: Just because I say I dont want flowers it doesnt mean that I dont.
Him: See, my ex said that. She said they were expensive and superfluous. A waste of money.
Me: Even I say that but I still want flowers.
Him: ::confused::
Me: See, if you spend 100$ on some roses yes its expensive and kind of a waste of money - get me jewelry instead. But that doesnt mean that I never want any flower. Who wouldnt like to get flowers on a Tuesday, just because.
Him: But you said you didnt like flowers.
Me: What I want is to know how you feel... be it flowers, chocolate, candy, balloons... w/e.
Him: Thats so materialistic
Me: It's not... its not what you give me, its what it means when you give it to me.
Him: How about sex? Thats a meaningful gift.
Me: No, bcuz guys always want that. And then you win too. So its not about me.
Him: If you want flowers why dont u just say it then!
Me: Because it takes away from it. Its not about the flowers... its about making me feel special. Its not that hard... just get me some flowers (or something) from time to time.
Him: That gets expensive.
Me: You know whats expensive?
Him: What?
Me: DIVORCE.
Him: lol. you have a point.

ive asked too many questions

Im done. Im pretty sure at least. As an engineer I shouldnt be surprised at how different things can be in practice and in theory. How 'knowing' or KNOWING something can be polar opposites. This whole time Ive been asking questions, coming up with possible answers, imagining different scenarios, making lists and all along there was only one question that mattered... "does he want me?" Not "is it going to work out?" or "does he love me like i love him?" or "how should we go ahead?", see all these questions seem to be important but when it comes down to it... wanting is all that matters, because when you want something you work for it, you make it happen and like he told me so many times 'the best we can do is to want to make it and then try our best' so again all that matters is "does he want me?". This whole time Ive 'known' that this was the only question to be asked and yet I complicated it all with other things.

So I asked. And as anyone in their right mind (read 'not me') would already KNOW the response didnt matter unless it was 'yes'... you see, the whole time I looked at the answers he had given me and tried to understand... what I failed to acknowledge this whole time is that when it comes to being with me there is only one right answer "yes" - there is no partial credit, there is no blank, there is no maybe... if its not yes, then it means no. I didnt even get a "yes but lets give it time..." or "yes but im afraid...", see "yes" wasnt even part of the answer. If he cant say YES to me than it doesnt matter what his answer is. And now I KNOW in my heart and in my mind what I 'knew' all along.

Now on to a brighter topic... my day today was amazing. I drank some delicious mint tea, felt really attractive all day, this guy totally hit on me, im weighing 165 lbs (just 10 more to shed!!), I went shopping and I had a lovely dinner. =)

I get couch, internet and cable tv tomorrow!!! So excited.
<3 Pree

and it begins...

Thinking of the book Ive been reading and about how I am "feeling" today, I really shouldnt try to put my emotions into words... because well, it just cant be done. My theory is that keeping half of this crap bottled up doesnt help either so its coming out... I never stick to rules anyways...

Seeing the way things are, I finally told my mom about Felipe. And by that I mean "yeah, we are not talking anymore... i dont want to talk about it" As usual she tried to pry into it but I just couldn't talk about it, especially with her. I understand she is concerned and curious but geez... she sure doesnt make life easy. "How could you stop liking him? I remember you liked him so much... oh! is the problem with him? Was it jealousy? Does he think something happened with Roberto? Why dont you want to be with him? Arent you feeling alone? Are you happy? You sound so sad sweetie. Why dont you try to make things work? Im sure its just a misunderstanding, how would he not adore you? Why dont you come to Brazil? Come be with me so you dont have to think of Felipe. Give it time, time heals everything. If its meant to be it will happen"... mind you, I didnt say anything! She just went on and on... GEEZ Mom, way to help make things tougher!!! Of all days, today!

You know... Ive been working to be strong. But not everyday and every moment are as easy as others... being back in Cincinnati most defitinely makes things a little harder in my heart/mind but on top of it my day has been more of an emotional roller coaster than anything else. Im strong but not as strong as I want to be, at least not yet. The amount of stimuli Ive been exposed has been overwhelming. What do I mean? Today alone Ive felt exhausted, happy, anxious, scared, angry, exhilarated, in peace... Why so much all together? Well...
* The drive this morning was so pleasant I was sad when I arrived in Orlando.
* I was early to the airport, but my flight was delayed.
*I was super cold in the plane bcuz I forgot my sweater, but I was excited this guy on the plane hit on me (note to self, dont seem so young by saying "i just graduated..." as he might read "i am still an irresponsible college kid") .
* I actually made it to my connecting flight. But they lost my luggage.
* Traffic was killer at rush hour but the shuttle driver gave me his number and suggested "he show me around town this wknd" (heheh... not that I intend to call but still felt nice)
* I got my car!!!! but it took 2.5 hours AND I forgot my camera...
* I drove my beautiful new red car, but I got lost 3 times
* I went to my new apartment, and its beautiful and smells like fresh paint... but it isnt quite how I remembered it... somehow I forgot there is no heater in the bedroom! (oh boy... its going to be a hard winter)
* I took pictures of the car and the apartment, but cant find the cord to upload the pictures and share them with you.

As you can see, Ive been all over the place... but Im still optimistic =) Im getting off the bed on my right foot tomorrow.

I'm moving to the new place but probably wont have internet (or tv) for quite a few days, I will obviously do my best to entertain myself but phone calls from my faves are more than appreciated!

Thats it, Im done writing. Gonna flip through some channels and try to soak in all the TV I can tonight.

Muah!
Pree

Pleasant Surprise

Its interesting that some pretty good things have already come from this break up and this whole "get the hell out of cincinnati trip"...

First of all, I have been praying at night before I fall asleep. My prayers arent the longest but they have been very heartfelt. In spite of myself, I prayed and asked Jesus for strength. Seeing that He knows best I did my best to not pray for us to be back together or to get over him all together, instead I prayed for the strength to go on with my head held up high. The funny thing is... since I started asking for strength my days have been amazing. I can probably count in 2 hands the number of tears Ive shed about this. Needless to say Im looking forward to mass tomorrow and find out what the liturgy of the word is going to be about.

Secondly, I have been blessed to be actively reminded of how amazing my friends are and how no matter what I have lots of people who love me more than anything in the world. My friends have made a point to be here for me no matter whats going on in their lives - its been an email to brighten my day, or a call during lunch time to say hello, texts during the day to entertain, or phone calls late in the night so I dont fall asleep alone... all to make sure that Im holding on fine and to remind me that no matter what I can count on them. I love these people... I couldnt be more blessed. Ayo - thanks for having me over. jess - thanks for the calls, videos, msgs. christian - thanks for the good night calls. mary - thanks for being the best shoulder thru tough times. clari - thanks for even caring. berto - thanks for the lovely dinner u are taking me out to tomorrow. rachel - thanks for the talk last week, it changed everything. prinda - thanks for hte msgs and hte coffee. suzi - thanks for listening. rigo - u always appear when i need u the most. audry - thanks for inviting me to a wknd away... ohh the list goes on.

There have been so many other things... but the last one worth mentioning is how this trip to Florida has really helped me refresh my mind. I was so obsessed with making things work with felipe that I almost lost sight of the most important thing of all... me and what I really want. I somehow had stored in a shelf what is important to me and what Im worth. Im happy to be setting things straight and clearing my mind... I know what I want and if you know me, Im going to get it.

So Im in Florida for a few more days before I head over to Cincinnati... Ive gotten a great tan (thanks to the Nudist Resort - story to come later) and it seems my mind is getting back in place... the heart is coming... but I would say the outlook is very good =)

These past few days have been a blessing in disguise.

Pree

PS: By the way!!!!! I got the National SWE award that Jess nominated me for back in April. Im so thrilled!!!!!!

spotless mind?

I still wake up in the morning and don't remember thats its over. I still wake up in the morning expecting him to call me or snuggle up with me and tell me how much he loves me and how nothing will ever come between us. Is that even normal? or am I just diseased? I wonder if its like this when someone close to you dies... if you wake up everyday to the crude realization that they are gone.

The first 10 minutes of my waking hours are spent remembering that indeed life has changed and that I'm angry. So everyday its this uphill battle again and again. I spend the whole day trying to crawl out of this sh*thole that Im in. I spend all day reminding myself of all the wrong, building up my walls, learning to put hate where love once was... just to wake up the next day at the bottom of the pit one more time. I just want to be indifferent, it would be so much easier.... but I dont even know how to do that! I used to be so good at this break up thing... "You dont want me? well, your loss. Vanish from my life to never come back." and for the most part that worked. This time Im having a hard time with the whole "vanishing" thing. Because either in the morning, or in the night, or during the day these stupid memories creep into my mind again... as if they had a free pass to my consciousness.

Then I guess I should just push back all the memories... Im not talking to him anymore, so I cant form new memories. So then there will be nothing left but a serious of memories that, as he would say, "are just so distant" that I probably wont even care anymore. Actually, I guess the best thing I can do is just erase all them... maybe instead of trying to hold on to the bad ones, I should just work at erasing ALL of them. Then its as if he was never there, and then why would I miss something that never existed to begin with? But how do I do that? How do I erase everything Ive held dear to? I wish there was a pill I could take... forget everything about him. His smile, his eyes, his smell, his touch, his voice... It reminds me of that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". If I could actually completely erase my brain of him... I would. I dont see any other way.

Scientific approach

So here I am in gorgeous, beautiful, "homey" Florida. After actually sleeping in, I decided to take a proactive approach on this moving on business... as a good engineer I decided that I should look at what research has been done on the matter.I got loads of information on what constitutes a broken heart and the symptoms that go with it. Here is a brief summary:

Apparently, a broken heart (or heartbreak) is a common metaphor used when a human being suffers an emotional or physical loss, to the extent that it begins to cause them physical or physiological pain. The symptoms of a "broken heart" include everything from a perceived tightness of the chest, similar to an anxiety attack to stomach ache to denial to paralysis!

Seriously I cant get paralyzed again much less afford doctors right now so hopefully the whole paralysis stays away... imagine me looking like a pirate again?! I would never pick up guys like that.. geez.

Alright... now onto what matters. Treatment!

Because "heartbreak" is a subjective emotional trauma and not a medical condition, conventional treatment does not exist. (Great!!Now that is helpful! NOT!) Depending on the psychological nature of an individual and the severity of the trauma, the length of time for the symptoms to disappear naturally will greatly vary. In most cases effects will last for a period of months.(Months????) However, there are cases in which longer time is required to recover.(Seriously? I want it to be done already!) In cases of limerence the average recovery time ranges from 6 to 18 months.(Damn! You could make 2 babys on that amount of time!) It is claimed that the only cure for a broken heart is time, or acceptance of the loss.

What kind of treatment is this? To me it doesnt seem like it would fix anything... geez.... maybe this whole scientific approach doesnt really work everytime. I think I'll just go back to my old "im going to think of all of the bad and nothing but the bad" approach. Let's see how that works.. but for now, Im shopping for graduate MBA programs. Once I know where I want to go, I can figure out what grade to get... Is 690 GMAT score too hard?

back and ready to leave

So I never really wrote much about this while I was traveling because all in all I was in denial... at the time I was hopefull, but since all hope is gone I think I can say it was just denial. Im back in the US, new city, new place, new car, new job, new life... but somewhere along the way my heart got broken and although I should be ecstatic about all these great things in my life, Im moping around like a moron. To make a long story short... after thousands of dollars visiting each other, after endless hours on the phone, after promisses and kisses, after choosing to work in the same city, after almost living together, Felipe and I are broken up. Needless to say it wasnt quite how I expected things to go. I will spare you since the details are just too much for me to stomach again. Inspite of everything I still stayed at his place while I was getting settled in Cincinnati. I arrived in Cincinnati exactly a week ago and seeing Felipe everyday was everything but what I expected it to be. (maybe more on that later). But now it just became too much for me to bear... Im tired of going from crying to being happy to being angry... so Im leaving. Im gong to Florida until my apartment is ready for move in. Hopefully when I get back from Florida I will have gotten a decent tan and a heart thats a little less broken...

Last night we stayed in bed talking til so late. I just wanted to have a good time and talk to him seeing that it was our last night "together" but instead he asked serious questions. Questions that open up scars and make you remember the wounds you've been hiding under your sleeves. So we talked forever... i asked and answered and he asked and answered... i was honest with everything and i think he was too. I asked him "did you ever try to put urself in my shoes?" and for some reason I thought it was a stupid question bcuz why wouldnt he have.. but he said he didnt. This whole time, he broke my heart and saw me cry for a week straigth and apparently not once did he put himself in my shoes to see how I felt. Last night that really hurt. Today, left alone packing and to just think of things I wish I didnt know, all that pain turned into anger. I typed him an email but of course, had no guts to send it... it read:
"Did you really not try to feel what I feel? I guess I shouldn't be that surprised that you never tried to put yourself in my shoes. I wondered why but now I know... you know how weak you are. If you felt the pain I feel you wouldn't be able to get out of bed everyday much less look at yourself in the mirror. I'm not perfect, don't claim to be but as far as imperfection goes you have far outdone most people Ive ever met. You are selfish, immature, inconsiderate to say the least. Until today you were only right one time, when you said you didn't deserve me. I wish it was different but you are not worth any of the tears I shed. "

I was going to send it to him. I was certain of it. I was going to wait til I left so that he would be less likely to read it at work. But instead he comes on and wishes me a safe flight... how can I still love him? Dont I know better? Wasnt danny enough for me to learn that boys arent worth my tears? why is it that everytime I get angry at him I get angry at myself?

Im determined to move on. At all costs. Once im not here at his place anymore it should be easier... so off to Florida, so I can come back to Cincinnati on my right foot because I deserve a happy life. I deserve the world, even if he doesnt want to share it with me.