So mass today was lovely... it is amazing how hard it is to explain how I feel when Im at church. If I went much into detail I would probably sound like I should join a convent...
Anyways... the readings were beautiful. Father Gallespi spent most of the homily talking about the first reading and how christianity is a call for service and that you dont have to be catholic to be saved. I wish he had talked about the gospel because I have very conflicting feelings about it. The gospel today was according to Luke... (http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible/luke/luke11.htm#v1)
and it was about persistence and about God giving His children what they ask for.
“And I tell you, ask and you will receive;
seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you."
My heart and mind are torn in this gospel passage. But mass was beautiful... and just like always, it felt like I was at home.
Pree
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Pleasant Surprise
Its interesting that some pretty good things have already come from this break up and this whole "get the hell out of cincinnati trip"...
First of all, I have been praying at night before I fall asleep. My prayers arent the longest but they have been very heartfelt. In spite of myself, I prayed and asked Jesus for strength. Seeing that He knows best I did my best to not pray for us to be back together or to get over him all together, instead I prayed for the strength to go on with my head held up high. The funny thing is... since I started asking for strength my days have been amazing. I can probably count in 2 hands the number of tears Ive shed about this. Needless to say Im looking forward to mass tomorrow and find out what the liturgy of the word is going to be about.
Secondly, I have been blessed to be actively reminded of how amazing my friends are and how no matter what I have lots of people who love me more than anything in the world. My friends have made a point to be here for me no matter whats going on in their lives - its been an email to brighten my day, or a call during lunch time to say hello, texts during the day to entertain, or phone calls late in the night so I dont fall asleep alone... all to make sure that Im holding on fine and to remind me that no matter what I can count on them. I love these people... I couldnt be more blessed. Ayo - thanks for having me over. jess - thanks for the calls, videos, msgs. christian - thanks for the good night calls. mary - thanks for being the best shoulder thru tough times. clari - thanks for even caring. berto - thanks for the lovely dinner u are taking me out to tomorrow. rachel - thanks for the talk last week, it changed everything. prinda - thanks for hte msgs and hte coffee. suzi - thanks for listening. rigo - u always appear when i need u the most. audry - thanks for inviting me to a wknd away... ohh the list goes on.
There have been so many other things... but the last one worth mentioning is how this trip to Florida has really helped me refresh my mind. I was so obsessed with making things work with felipe that I almost lost sight of the most important thing of all... me and what I really want. I somehow had stored in a shelf what is important to me and what Im worth. Im happy to be setting things straight and clearing my mind... I know what I want and if you know me, Im going to get it.
So Im in Florida for a few more days before I head over to Cincinnati... Ive gotten a great tan (thanks to the Nudist Resort - story to come later) and it seems my mind is getting back in place... the heart is coming... but I would say the outlook is very good =)
These past few days have been a blessing in disguise.
Pree
PS: By the way!!!!! I got the National SWE award that Jess nominated me for back in April. Im so thrilled!!!!!!
First of all, I have been praying at night before I fall asleep. My prayers arent the longest but they have been very heartfelt. In spite of myself, I prayed and asked Jesus for strength. Seeing that He knows best I did my best to not pray for us to be back together or to get over him all together, instead I prayed for the strength to go on with my head held up high. The funny thing is... since I started asking for strength my days have been amazing. I can probably count in 2 hands the number of tears Ive shed about this. Needless to say Im looking forward to mass tomorrow and find out what the liturgy of the word is going to be about.
Secondly, I have been blessed to be actively reminded of how amazing my friends are and how no matter what I have lots of people who love me more than anything in the world. My friends have made a point to be here for me no matter whats going on in their lives - its been an email to brighten my day, or a call during lunch time to say hello, texts during the day to entertain, or phone calls late in the night so I dont fall asleep alone... all to make sure that Im holding on fine and to remind me that no matter what I can count on them. I love these people... I couldnt be more blessed. Ayo - thanks for having me over. jess - thanks for the calls, videos, msgs. christian - thanks for the good night calls. mary - thanks for being the best shoulder thru tough times. clari - thanks for even caring. berto - thanks for the lovely dinner u are taking me out to tomorrow. rachel - thanks for the talk last week, it changed everything. prinda - thanks for hte msgs and hte coffee. suzi - thanks for listening. rigo - u always appear when i need u the most. audry - thanks for inviting me to a wknd away... ohh the list goes on.
There have been so many other things... but the last one worth mentioning is how this trip to Florida has really helped me refresh my mind. I was so obsessed with making things work with felipe that I almost lost sight of the most important thing of all... me and what I really want. I somehow had stored in a shelf what is important to me and what Im worth. Im happy to be setting things straight and clearing my mind... I know what I want and if you know me, Im going to get it.
So Im in Florida for a few more days before I head over to Cincinnati... Ive gotten a great tan (thanks to the Nudist Resort - story to come later) and it seems my mind is getting back in place... the heart is coming... but I would say the outlook is very good =)
These past few days have been a blessing in disguise.
Pree
PS: By the way!!!!! I got the National SWE award that Jess nominated me for back in April. Im so thrilled!!!!!!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
spotless mind?
I still wake up in the morning and don't remember thats its over. I still wake up in the morning expecting him to call me or snuggle up with me and tell me how much he loves me and how nothing will ever come between us. Is that even normal? or am I just diseased? I wonder if its like this when someone close to you dies... if you wake up everyday to the crude realization that they are gone.
The first 10 minutes of my waking hours are spent remembering that indeed life has changed and that I'm angry. So everyday its this uphill battle again and again. I spend the whole day trying to crawl out of this sh*thole that Im in. I spend all day reminding myself of all the wrong, building up my walls, learning to put hate where love once was... just to wake up the next day at the bottom of the pit one more time. I just want to be indifferent, it would be so much easier.... but I dont even know how to do that! I used to be so good at this break up thing... "You dont want me? well, your loss. Vanish from my life to never come back." and for the most part that worked. This time Im having a hard time with the whole "vanishing" thing. Because either in the morning, or in the night, or during the day these stupid memories creep into my mind again... as if they had a free pass to my consciousness.
Then I guess I should just push back all the memories... Im not talking to him anymore, so I cant form new memories. So then there will be nothing left but a serious of memories that, as he would say, "are just so distant" that I probably wont even care anymore. Actually, I guess the best thing I can do is just erase all them... maybe instead of trying to hold on to the bad ones, I should just work at erasing ALL of them. Then its as if he was never there, and then why would I miss something that never existed to begin with? But how do I do that? How do I erase everything Ive held dear to? I wish there was a pill I could take... forget everything about him. His smile, his eyes, his smell, his touch, his voice... It reminds me of that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". If I could actually completely erase my brain of him... I would. I dont see any other way.
The first 10 minutes of my waking hours are spent remembering that indeed life has changed and that I'm angry. So everyday its this uphill battle again and again. I spend the whole day trying to crawl out of this sh*thole that Im in. I spend all day reminding myself of all the wrong, building up my walls, learning to put hate where love once was... just to wake up the next day at the bottom of the pit one more time. I just want to be indifferent, it would be so much easier.... but I dont even know how to do that! I used to be so good at this break up thing... "You dont want me? well, your loss. Vanish from my life to never come back." and for the most part that worked. This time Im having a hard time with the whole "vanishing" thing. Because either in the morning, or in the night, or during the day these stupid memories creep into my mind again... as if they had a free pass to my consciousness.
Then I guess I should just push back all the memories... Im not talking to him anymore, so I cant form new memories. So then there will be nothing left but a serious of memories that, as he would say, "are just so distant" that I probably wont even care anymore. Actually, I guess the best thing I can do is just erase all them... maybe instead of trying to hold on to the bad ones, I should just work at erasing ALL of them. Then its as if he was never there, and then why would I miss something that never existed to begin with? But how do I do that? How do I erase everything Ive held dear to? I wish there was a pill I could take... forget everything about him. His smile, his eyes, his smell, his touch, his voice... It reminds me of that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". If I could actually completely erase my brain of him... I would. I dont see any other way.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Scientific approach
So here I am in gorgeous, beautiful, "homey" Florida. After actually sleeping in, I decided to take a proactive approach on this moving on business... as a good engineer I decided that I should look at what research has been done on the matter.I got loads of information on what constitutes a broken heart and the symptoms that go with it. Here is a brief summary:
Seriously I cant get paralyzed again much less afford doctors right now so hopefully the whole paralysis stays away... imagine me looking like a pirate again?! I would never pick up guys like that.. geez.
Alright... now onto what matters. Treatment!
Apparently, a broken heart (or heartbreak) is a common metaphor used when a human being suffers an emotional or physical loss, to the extent that it begins to cause them physical or physiological pain. The symptoms of a "broken heart" include everything from a perceived tightness of the chest, similar to an anxiety attack to stomach ache to denial to paralysis!
Seriously I cant get paralyzed again much less afford doctors right now so hopefully the whole paralysis stays away... imagine me looking like a pirate again?! I would never pick up guys like that.. geez.
Alright... now onto what matters. Treatment!
Because "heartbreak" is a subjective emotional trauma and not a medical condition, conventional treatment does not exist. (Great!!Now that is helpful! NOT!) Depending on the psychological nature of an individual and the severity of the trauma, the length of time for the symptoms to disappear naturally will greatly vary. In most cases effects will last for a period of months.(Months????) However, there are cases in which longer time is required to recover.(Seriously? I want it to be done already!) In cases of limerence the average recovery time ranges from 6 to 18 months.(Damn! You could make 2 babys on that amount of time!) It is claimed that the only cure for a broken heart is time, or acceptance of the loss.What kind of treatment is this? To me it doesnt seem like it would fix anything... geez.... maybe this whole scientific approach doesnt really work everytime. I think I'll just go back to my old "im going to think of all of the bad and nothing but the bad" approach. Let's see how that works.. but for now, Im shopping for graduate MBA programs. Once I know where I want to go, I can figure out what grade to get... Is 690 GMAT score too hard?
Monday, July 23, 2007
back and ready to leave
So I never really wrote much about this while I was traveling because all in all I was in denial... at the time I was hopefull, but since all hope is gone I think I can say it was just denial. Im back in the US, new city, new place, new car, new job, new life... but somewhere along the way my heart got broken and although I should be ecstatic about all these great things in my life, Im moping around like a moron. To make a long story short... after thousands of dollars visiting each other, after endless hours on the phone, after promisses and kisses, after choosing to work in the same city, after almost living together, Felipe and I are broken up. Needless to say it wasnt quite how I expected things to go. I will spare you since the details are just too much for me to stomach again. Inspite of everything I still stayed at his place while I was getting settled in Cincinnati. I arrived in Cincinnati exactly a week ago and seeing Felipe everyday was everything but what I expected it to be. (maybe more on that later). But now it just became too much for me to bear... Im tired of going from crying to being happy to being angry... so Im leaving. Im gong to Florida until my apartment is ready for move in. Hopefully when I get back from Florida I will have gotten a decent tan and a heart thats a little less broken...
Last night we stayed in bed talking til so late. I just wanted to have a good time and talk to him seeing that it was our last night "together" but instead he asked serious questions. Questions that open up scars and make you remember the wounds you've been hiding under your sleeves. So we talked forever... i asked and answered and he asked and answered... i was honest with everything and i think he was too. I asked him "did you ever try to put urself in my shoes?" and for some reason I thought it was a stupid question bcuz why wouldnt he have.. but he said he didnt. This whole time, he broke my heart and saw me cry for a week straigth and apparently not once did he put himself in my shoes to see how I felt. Last night that really hurt. Today, left alone packing and to just think of things I wish I didnt know, all that pain turned into anger. I typed him an email but of course, had no guts to send it... it read:
"Did you really not try to feel what I feel? I guess I shouldn't be that surprised that you never tried to put yourself in my shoes. I wondered why but now I know... you know how weak you are. If you felt the pain I feel you wouldn't be able to get out of bed everyday much less look at yourself in the mirror. I'm not perfect, don't claim to be but as far as imperfection goes you have far outdone most people Ive ever met. You are selfish, immature, inconsiderate to say the least. Until today you were only right one time, when you said you didn't deserve me. I wish it was different but you are not worth any of the tears I shed. "
I was going to send it to him. I was certain of it. I was going to wait til I left so that he would be less likely to read it at work. But instead he comes on and wishes me a safe flight... how can I still love him? Dont I know better? Wasnt danny enough for me to learn that boys arent worth my tears? why is it that everytime I get angry at him I get angry at myself?
Im determined to move on. At all costs. Once im not here at his place anymore it should be easier... so off to Florida, so I can come back to Cincinnati on my right foot because I deserve a happy life. I deserve the world, even if he doesnt want to share it with me.
Last night we stayed in bed talking til so late. I just wanted to have a good time and talk to him seeing that it was our last night "together" but instead he asked serious questions. Questions that open up scars and make you remember the wounds you've been hiding under your sleeves. So we talked forever... i asked and answered and he asked and answered... i was honest with everything and i think he was too. I asked him "did you ever try to put urself in my shoes?" and for some reason I thought it was a stupid question bcuz why wouldnt he have.. but he said he didnt. This whole time, he broke my heart and saw me cry for a week straigth and apparently not once did he put himself in my shoes to see how I felt. Last night that really hurt. Today, left alone packing and to just think of things I wish I didnt know, all that pain turned into anger. I typed him an email but of course, had no guts to send it... it read:
"Did you really not try to feel what I feel? I guess I shouldn't be that surprised that you never tried to put yourself in my shoes. I wondered why but now I know... you know how weak you are. If you felt the pain I feel you wouldn't be able to get out of bed everyday much less look at yourself in the mirror. I'm not perfect, don't claim to be but as far as imperfection goes you have far outdone most people Ive ever met. You are selfish, immature, inconsiderate to say the least. Until today you were only right one time, when you said you didn't deserve me. I wish it was different but you are not worth any of the tears I shed. "
I was going to send it to him. I was certain of it. I was going to wait til I left so that he would be less likely to read it at work. But instead he comes on and wishes me a safe flight... how can I still love him? Dont I know better? Wasnt danny enough for me to learn that boys arent worth my tears? why is it that everytime I get angry at him I get angry at myself?
Im determined to move on. At all costs. Once im not here at his place anymore it should be easier... so off to Florida, so I can come back to Cincinnati on my right foot because I deserve a happy life. I deserve the world, even if he doesnt want to share it with me.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Au revoir Paris!
Tonight is my last night in Paris. Not to my surprise, it is raining and cold and ugly today... it is all too fitting. Versailles was a dissapointment which the gloomy day just made worse but Paris has been nice. The weather was quite nice these past few days. Being by myself was, as I had supected, weird but refreshing at the same time. Meals are always teh hardest but its been nice. Ive had lots of time to think about these past 8 weeks and of the many more to come once Im back. Some of the conclusions Ive made and things I discovered are still too fresh to even say "outloud"... some are just too personal. But deep inside Im still good old Pree. Maybe Ill write on my journal about it... and if I can put it in words decently I might transcribe it here.
Tomorrow, I will arrive at a new destination for the last time - London Waterloo. Its funny because I dont know how to feel about the next 5 days... I dont know if Im happy its almost done, or if Im sad. I dont know if Im anxious to leave or if Im anxious to wat is still to come. One thing I know for sure... my bank account is about to happy the spending is over - well after it is raped by London. All in all Ive spent too much money but every euro has been worth it. About how I feel... I think Im anxious. Not nervous, not scared but anxious.
You know, Ive kinda gotten used to this travelling business... wake up, get a map, walk the world - I know how priviledged I am that Ive been able to do it, and as much as it gets a little tiring church after church and painting after painting it all really is amazing!!!! So there will be a BIG change in routine... Im also anxious because as home-sick as I have been at times, I have no home to go to. Im going back to the US to a world that until now I dont begin to understand. Gainesville is obviously history. But its not just that... I dont have a place. I dont have a car. Im pretty damn broke. I dont have my bed, my clothes, my things.... which means that I will still be living off of a suitcase, searching for things( house, car, bank, DMV) and scrambling for coins everyday... I guess life wont be that different after all.
But you know... Im a bit tired of all this travelling. I sometimes have to stop myself from daydreaming about what I wish things would be like. I daydream about everything... my bed, my scents, my friends... old memories... i dream about all those things that make you feel confortable and at home... and those familiar things that you always value so much more after youve missed for a while. There are many things I wish I could have once I got back but you dont always get wat u want... didnt we all learn that many Christmases ago?
I guess ill just have to do wat I do best... pull out that old familiar thick skin, put on my narrow vision and march towards teh finish line... without stopping for anything or anyone, without turning back or letting any doubt come my way...
You know...Ive been reading this new book and a quote from it jsut seems fitting...
"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven" - John Milton, Paradise Lost
Au revoir!!!
Priscila
Tomorrow, I will arrive at a new destination for the last time - London Waterloo. Its funny because I dont know how to feel about the next 5 days... I dont know if Im happy its almost done, or if Im sad. I dont know if Im anxious to leave or if Im anxious to wat is still to come. One thing I know for sure... my bank account is about to happy the spending is over - well after it is raped by London. All in all Ive spent too much money but every euro has been worth it. About how I feel... I think Im anxious. Not nervous, not scared but anxious.
You know, Ive kinda gotten used to this travelling business... wake up, get a map, walk the world - I know how priviledged I am that Ive been able to do it, and as much as it gets a little tiring church after church and painting after painting it all really is amazing!!!! So there will be a BIG change in routine... Im also anxious because as home-sick as I have been at times, I have no home to go to. Im going back to the US to a world that until now I dont begin to understand. Gainesville is obviously history. But its not just that... I dont have a place. I dont have a car. Im pretty damn broke. I dont have my bed, my clothes, my things.... which means that I will still be living off of a suitcase, searching for things( house, car, bank, DMV) and scrambling for coins everyday... I guess life wont be that different after all.
But you know... Im a bit tired of all this travelling. I sometimes have to stop myself from daydreaming about what I wish things would be like. I daydream about everything... my bed, my scents, my friends... old memories... i dream about all those things that make you feel confortable and at home... and those familiar things that you always value so much more after youve missed for a while. There are many things I wish I could have once I got back but you dont always get wat u want... didnt we all learn that many Christmases ago?
I guess ill just have to do wat I do best... pull out that old familiar thick skin, put on my narrow vision and march towards teh finish line... without stopping for anything or anyone, without turning back or letting any doubt come my way...
You know...Ive been reading this new book and a quote from it jsut seems fitting...
"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven" - John Milton, Paradise Lost
Au revoir!!!
Priscila
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Hello Loner World
So Ive used Lonely Planet almost like a bible for the past 2 months. After all, it kinda is the bible for travellers... I never really put much thought into its name - Lonely Planet. But tomorrow, for the first time since I left the US I will be... well, alone. First my mom left and it was a little weird just being me and Berto. But we got used to it and it was actually kinda nice. Its easier to keep pace with just one person instead of two. We developed this neat routine where we'd sightsee like crazy and then sit down for dinner everynight over a few beers and just chat away. We talked about everything... old times, new times, the future, bf/gf, random ppl, just about anything. We have seriously spent every waking (and sleeping since we are always int he same dorm) moment together. Its been neat bcuz we got to know each other really well... I thought I knew him pretty well, but travelling together makes you know someone very differently. It has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life and sharing it with someone was really great. But as of tomorrow we go separate ways... we will leave Interlaken on the same train but I will get off on a different stop. He will go to Geneva (and then to Spain) while Im off to Paris and then London. Its weird to think that today will be the last time I'll see him for a long time... Its weird that I will now have to watch my own back in the metro and in the train station. Its weird that I will be one of those ppl who sit at cafes by themselves or goes down to the pub in the hostel so that I dont have to sit in the room in silence by myself. Now I will have to be more careful bcuz its me taking care of me.
Im sure it will be great... getting to know myself better, getting a little bit of "air" and personal space... in a certain way Im looking forward to it, but it might just be bcuz I should just embrace it instead of fight it. I dont know what its going to be like to walk around the streets and metros and not have someone to share the funny moments with. It sucks bcuz I wont even have a phone (not that anyone ever cares to call anyways). Maybe I will just pour it all into my journal and be satisfied with that.
It will be different. Very different. Hopefully the positives will outweight the negatives. But I guess Ill find out soon enough.
much love
Pree
Im sure it will be great... getting to know myself better, getting a little bit of "air" and personal space... in a certain way Im looking forward to it, but it might just be bcuz I should just embrace it instead of fight it. I dont know what its going to be like to walk around the streets and metros and not have someone to share the funny moments with. It sucks bcuz I wont even have a phone (not that anyone ever cares to call anyways). Maybe I will just pour it all into my journal and be satisfied with that.
It will be different. Very different. Hopefully the positives will outweight the negatives. But I guess Ill find out soon enough.
much love
Pree
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