its been hard to know which way is up lately.
dont get me wrong things arent as terrible as they were - not all the time at least. But then again, i hope we can only go up from here (crossing my fingers). a lot has happened, and nothing has changed it feels like. So i'll make only 2 comments today in hopes that some positive thoughts will get me better and strong...
* I was completely inspired when a week ago a young woman I knew in college turned to me and said "You are the woman who wears a superman cape! if anyone can do it, its you". It also made me feel an awful lot of pressure too which lead to a breakdown a few days later but now its all good.
* I am officially back 'in town' for a long while now. I walked into work on Wednesday and felt "like coming home" and I cant even begin to describe how amazingly happy that made me feel.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
relearning the same things time and time again
I accidently ran into one of my blog posts from September 2007. It couldnt seem more relevant - even 2 years later. Maybe the message below is something I will always have to remind myself of. Here is an excerpt...
"I realized a lot of things but my epiphany from today's mass is that sometimes the longest journey is the one with the shortest distance. Sometimes the people who are physically closest to us are the ones we distance ourselves from the most. Usually its not intentional... but if we are not careful, we end up so blinded in our privilege and righteousness, so satisfied with just 'not doing anything bad' that we leave it at that. What we should be doing instead is actively 'working on doing good'... I guess what I mean is that, because we 'think' we arent doing anything wrong its doesnt mean we are doing things right. And we tend to fall into that trap more often when we are close to these ppl (wether its God, family or friends). See, thats how we end up taking people for granted, and after we reach a certain 'distance' we can just end up distancing ourselves forever.
Thats what the prodigal son is about... its not just about forgiving the sinner, but being the sinner and not knowing it. Its when you are close that you dont think of what you are doing... when you are close you think of rightesouly of 'avoiding the bad' instead of doing good and so you passively 'stay on course'. Its almost like you trick yourself into a spot you never meant to be in... the worse part is that usually these are the ones that the fight is the hardest and most rewarding."
- Pree
"I realized a lot of things but my epiphany from today's mass is that sometimes the longest journey is the one with the shortest distance. Sometimes the people who are physically closest to us are the ones we distance ourselves from the most. Usually its not intentional... but if we are not careful, we end up so blinded in our privilege and righteousness, so satisfied with just 'not doing anything bad' that we leave it at that. What we should be doing instead is actively 'working on doing good'... I guess what I mean is that, because we 'think' we arent doing anything wrong its doesnt mean we are doing things right. And we tend to fall into that trap more often when we are close to these ppl (wether its God, family or friends). See, thats how we end up taking people for granted, and after we reach a certain 'distance' we can just end up distancing ourselves forever.
Thats what the prodigal son is about... its not just about forgiving the sinner, but being the sinner and not knowing it. Its when you are close that you dont think of what you are doing... when you are close you think of rightesouly of 'avoiding the bad' instead of doing good and so you passively 'stay on course'. Its almost like you trick yourself into a spot you never meant to be in... the worse part is that usually these are the ones that the fight is the hardest and most rewarding."
- Pree
Sunday, October 11, 2009
what do you do?
what do you do when one day the person you want to give your life to doesn't love you anymore?
what do you say when they look at you while you are falling apart inside?
who do you turn to when he is the only person that can comfort you?
how do you find the strength to walk away and build yourself up?
He lights up a fire inside of me that noone else has before. for a year and a half every time I saw him I felt myself overflow with joy and giddiness. he brought out a part of me i love. and now i lost him.
my heart, my body, every inch of my being feels empty. I have so much to give to him and yet i feel hollow inside. now im shattering into a million pieces and it hurts everywhere.
i have so many questions, so many wants, and so little answers or comfort.
im not strong enough.
im not strong enough and while i shouldnt i want to crawl back and beg him to love me because i cant imagine my life without him.
i just want to sleep, sleep for days and weeks and months until it all goes away because i cant be awake when it hurts this badly.
what do you say when they look at you while you are falling apart inside?
who do you turn to when he is the only person that can comfort you?
how do you find the strength to walk away and build yourself up?
He lights up a fire inside of me that noone else has before. for a year and a half every time I saw him I felt myself overflow with joy and giddiness. he brought out a part of me i love. and now i lost him.
my heart, my body, every inch of my being feels empty. I have so much to give to him and yet i feel hollow inside. now im shattering into a million pieces and it hurts everywhere.
i have so many questions, so many wants, and so little answers or comfort.
im not strong enough.
im not strong enough and while i shouldnt i want to crawl back and beg him to love me because i cant imagine my life without him.
i just want to sleep, sleep for days and weeks and months until it all goes away because i cant be awake when it hurts this badly.
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