It all starts with 'Boy meets girl'

A long time ago, an ex tried justifying his lack of self-control by saying that I was responsible for him cheating on me. According to him, if it happened so often then the fault had to be on me and not on the 'respectable' guys I choose to date. As we can see that was nothing but a reaffirmation that dumping him was the smartest thing I did in that relationship. A few months ago I had a brief moment of stupidity where I actually considered what he said to be true. Since then Ive developed my own theory of how maybe we are both at fault... the ex's and me.

This is how it works....
Boy meets girl but doesnt put much thought into it, if anything he is intimidated by her. Boy starts realizing that girl is kinda strong, independent, tenacious, stubborn, self-sufficient, confident and a bit rough around the edges. Boy is inexplicably attracted to all these qualities... he claims to want a woman who can stand on her own 2 feet. He claims that all his previous girlfriends were 'too needy' or fragile or that they had to be taken care of. Girl warns boy that he wont really like how 'strong' she is. Boy denies it all and falls in love with girl. Girl is skeptical but at his request she brings down the walls and falls in love with boy.

As time passes the excitement of dating a 'strong woman' starts to be replaced by a growing fear of insecurity. Boy wants the girl to somehow show him that she loves him too. The girl feels that choosing to be with him instead of someone else/or alone is a very clear sign that she wants him, the girl does little things for him to show that she loves him... but all along the boy knows that she doesnt need him... the boy sees threats where there are none, the boy wants her to change (to need him) but they both know she wont. She wants to be with him, she loves him but that is not enough for him... because the fear of possibly being replaced haunts him; and in all his insecurities and all his weakness and selfishness he decides to go find some needy girl who cant stand on her own 2 feet... because after all, she does need him. And in the end thats what he wants.

So you see... he is the one that chooses to be unfaithful... he is the one who chooses to become the man he swore to himself never to be, he is the one who chooses to disrespect himself, the girl he 'loves' and the new girl who 'needs' him. He is the owner of their fate.
But you know, I am partially responsible too... but not because of what I do or dont do. But because of who I am. I understand the importance of compromise, but being strong, independent and tenacious are non-negotiable. So in the end of the day, there may not be many men out there who really do want a woman like me, there may not be any... and Im okay with that. Its taken me a while to get back to here, but I can stand here once again and believe every word of it.

Pree

“Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.”
Henri Frederic Amiel

work-a-holic? not yet.

Ive had training at work all of this week. Other than gaining some extra pounds I learned some pretty neat things (yay for ethnic and volume forecasting... kinda). The least useful and yet the funniest were two 'analogies' I heard from a co-worker...

- Work-life balance is the unicorn around here. Everyone has heard about it, everyone has talked about it, everyone knows what it is supposed to look like, if you saw one you would recognize it, you have been keeping an eye out for it and none have passed by. Worse of all, when you talk to other people it turns out that they have ever seen one either.

- Traveling for work is like selling hot dogs at the Super Bowl. Yeah you get to go to the big game, you get to be there when thousands of people wish they could, but its not like you actually watch the game. Instead you spend the whole time with your back to it, instead of enjoying it you spend the whole time worried about everything but the game... and when something cool happens you just miss it and get to see other people enjoy it.

About time they hung

They say 30 is the new 20, but Im pretty sure that doesnt apply to me because I feel my body in the time schedule of a senior citizen. I wish that entitled me to the discounts but instead Im just stuck with funky eating and sleeping times. I want to have lunch at 11, dinner at 5 and be in bed by 8... I do force myself to catch that second wind... which is dying out right about now. So forgive my 'drowsy fingers'. Im going to keep this short...

My mom visited me for a couple of days and it was nice. We did tourist-y things in Cincinnati and I actually really appreciate the city a little more (not that I didnt before, but telling someone new how cool it is made me believe it a little more too). She clearly had rock-bottom expectations bcuz her level of satisfaction with the city was almost fake. Her visit had some definitively interesting conversations and remarks but that will have to wait for a time Im more awake...

I got home from the airport a little while ago and surveying the place to see what she forgot I paid more attention to what she did to my apartment while I was at work today. Not bad but it will get some getting used to where everything is now. Also...

- My paintings, diploma, awards and 'knick-knacks' now cover my once hospital looking walls. (my 200$-frame with 10$Prague-paintings look fabulous in the living room... after all that money and effort, its about time they hung on my wall)
- Im now left with 2 kilos of chocolate (i know its not real punishment but it sure doesnt help me get thinner)
- Mom unpacked the last 4 boxes that were in the living room (to me they had become invisible but hey, I wasnt going to stop her)
- My 'Goodwill' corner has doubled in size
- Mom 'reorganized' my whole place and from what I noticed she must have crossed paths with a few items that maybe she would have preferred not to know about (ok, Im the one who wishes she hadnt but still... privacy!!)
- And my ultimate 'favorite' (read sarcasm)... so that I dont feel 'alone' in my room I now have this pink 4-foot doll sitting in the corner and staring at me with its plum-sized blue stitched eyes.

[picture of doll to go here if I can find my camera in the apartment... if she kept it in her purse i am seriously going to CRYYYYYYYYY]

Where she got it from? Dont ask... all I have to say is, I have kept some mementos for wayy too many years... which in itself could be a whole post (oh dont act so surprised now, im not that easy to read)

Now off to sleep under the watch of scary 'Emily' (thats not a pseudo, it has been her name for the last 8 years Ive had her... i know, i can be so pathetic at times...)

P