All soul and no shoes

So today was really amazing.. nothing Ii had expected and beyond unique. We headed out in the morning... all I knew was that we were going into some poor village, I should wear sturdy shoes and that some of hte village people would be receiving awards while we were there

My first surprise was to not only find out that the village we were visiting is supported by an NGO led by an outstanding and inspirational Indian woman but I got the opportunity to ride for an hour in the car with her next to me. Given my passion for women's rights, women's empowerment and self-sufficiency including financial freedom, I can't put into words

how amazing it felt to sit next to her.

This woman who is pretty old still has this intense presence - you don't get a sense of fragility but rather of strength. Very very inspiring.

When we got off the car (the bus with my classmates following us) we had arrived at this elementary & middle school in a small village in the outskirts of Bengalore. The village had a little over 1000 people and was very poor.

After arriving and being greeted by the teachers and students we were LITTERALLY showered with marygold flowers as a welcoming.This was a very poor school and area - less than half of the children had shoes and when we entered their classrooms many were sharing books. It was hard to notice much of those things however given every classroom we entered we were welcomed with the children singing in perfect unison different songs in Hindi or English. Of course we took many pictures and it was fun to take the pictures because the kids felt so special when we did.

Later we were told that most of these kids probably have never had a photograph of them in their hands. So we intend to print some of our pictures and send to them. At one particular classroom, one of the girls tugged at my dress to ask my name... "Pree" I said and she told me her name. I tried to pronounce it and was laughed at by her classmates. That didnt stop all of them from telling me their name, shaking my hand and wishing me happy new year.

I took many pictures but was swarmed by kids so also missed some of the happiest faces I have seen as far as I can remember. At the school the kids had different sports competitions which they held in front of us (all open air, courtyard). After a few games had passed I asked if me and my MBA classmates could also compete in the musical chair competition.

There will be video uploaded of this but suffices to say I was the top winner - after falling on my ass multiple multiple multiple times. The kids obviously loved that I didnt seem to know how to keep my ass on the chair but instead seemed to like to drag the chair and my ass to the ground. They also performed multiple cultural activities for us... several dances, some singing and even a coordinated march/song/dance. It was all very touching... their happiness and excitement to see us, how much effort they put into preparing for our visit, how genuine and heartfelt all of their actions were. Most impressive I think were the 5 or 6 teachers that ran this school - taught all classes, disciplined (in manners and in books) and clearly gave all of themselves for kids who otherwise wouldnt have much at all.

This was certainly my only experience today being this close to NGOs and poor children. I was definitely inspired and touched. These kids just seemed very resilent... and it is such a stark contrast to kids I've seen in other places who take education for granted. We walked through the village where these kids lived ( more on that in a minute) and I can tell you by US standards (or by most educated people's standards) these kids had nothing - barely even necessities and so I was happy to see their effort towards school. it seems they - or their parents - knew that an education is the only thing that is yours forever, no matter what or who it cannot be taken from you. It is the biggest weapon you can have, and these children just seemed thirsty for it. Thankfully actually because it will be them that ensure their village situation improves. These kids are the ones that really represent the future of India and many countries and our world. The highly educated, well fed and clothed children (like me) will certainly play a part but if we are to solve the worlds problems we need these children to help us do it. They know how to do everything with nearly nothing, their frugalness and resourcefulness are what our business world and research labs need; their optimism is what every community needs.

It was certainly very inspiring.

In stark contrast to their attitude however was the village we walked through. Their parents, siblings and grandparents lived very close the school. But in no way would we consider what they did "live". Their houses often didnt have doors, or floors. There was animal feces all over the streets, yards and even in some people's homes. The furniture was minimal - honestly I think it was a bed made with ropes. The kitchen had no food or refrigerator that I saw but did have a stove. The bedroom seemed like it slept 3 to a bed. But certainly in the main room there was a colorful wall with images of their Hindi Gods.

I have certainly never been this close to poverty. It is an experience I dont think I will ever forget, but it is also one that I know I will have to do again. I can't live my life sheltered from the reality that so many people in the world live in. I am excited about the opportunity to work in "developing" countries with P&G in the future. Let's keep our fingers crossed. But you can be certain that for my 3-month sabbatical I will try really hard to somehow include volunteering or visiting lower income areas.

I uploaded some pictures to give you a flavor of my day… these people are beautiful. The children have the biggest smiles, but most touching to me are everyone’s eyes… these Indians connect with you in their gaze…

Hope you enjoy...

Link to Pictures: http://picasaweb.google.com/107210338601390178868/20110104Village?feat=directlink

2011-01-04 Village

“One’s destination is never a place...

... but a new way of seeing things” – Henry Miller

Tomorrow I will walk barefoot on the Taj Mahal… the Taj Mahal… the universal representation of eternal love. As I lay here wanting to fall asleep I can’t help but let my mind wonder into the thought of just that ‘eternal romantic love’…

Since we are little girls we’ve been told one day a prince in shining armor will come; we’ve watched movies, read stories, fantasized about our future and witnessed as our friends find their princes. With more heartbreaks than I care to count, I can’t help but wonder how much of this whole eternal love and prince charming are just another Santa Claus that we are made to believe as children. Maybe there will never be a prince charming, much less eternal love.

I’m still young and have many years ahead of me, but Im learning Im ready to meet ‘the one’. Im not saying Im ready for marriage just to find the one who will bare witness to my life and I to his. But the truth is I don’t believe there is “one”, and therefore I don’t believe there is “the one”. Is it then fair to believe there a right match and a wrong match? Isn’t it more realistic to believe there are acceptable matches and not-as-acceptable matches?

One of my greatest mentors once told me timing played a much bigger role than anyone ever thought and that honestly timing was often the ultimate deciding factor as to whether 2 people would work out.

The brat in me things that timing has come and until life decides it is so I’ve gone ahead and also made a list of qualities I’d like my life partner/husband to have… I made this list a few years ago, revisit it often but the more time passes the shorter that list gets.. not because I am compromising but because I am learning to distinguish what matters and what doesn’t.

But as I lay here thinking of the building I will see tomorrow and how much love it represents I also can’t help but remember a lesson I learned from a new friend… maybe the list, the timing, and the Taj are all inconsequential. Maybe I need to start from scratch… basically my travel friend asked me a few simple questions…
• Do you have an ordinary life? And by ordinary she meant for the most part you are born, live and die in the same general zip code. So for me the answer is no, I don’t have an ordinary life.
• Do you want your future to include living overseas, being mobile, flexible, international? Anyone that knows me also knows the answer is yes, I want that life.
So her last point was simple…
• if my life has been not ordinary, and I want my future to be extra-ordinary, then why do I illusion myself by looking for average or ordinary relationships? Shouldn’t my expectations and plans be different as well?...

I thought she made a great point. I realized that today I already expect my friendships (the real friendships) to be flexible and different… I don’t expect my best friends to live where I live – I know they cant meet me after work to celebrate a raise, or come over and share a tub of ice cream amidst emotional tears – instead I expect friends that understand, support, and adapt to my extra-ordinary life.
If that is the case with friendships, shouldn’t my expectations of a life partner be different as well?

So if that is the case… I definitely need to toss out all the fantasizes I’ve been fed about prince cahrmings, I need to probably tear up my current list of qualities for a guy and start from scratch… the problem is, I don’t even know where to begin.

Maybe being at the Taj will bring me answers… or bring me clarity…
For now… Im off to sleep in the city of Agra.

First 72 hours: Lessons, observations and priceless moments

Lessons and Observations

- just because you have an address and directions and phone number, doesn't mean your cab drivers will find the places you need to go to
- best description of traffic in mumbai: trying to drive out of super bowl parking lot right after the game ( non stop loud honking, people crossing in all directions amidst cars, something that should take 10 mins takes 60)
- I've been to NYC but Mumbai is a city that REALLY never sleeps
- reminded that people in my life stage, regardless of color creed or location, are experiencing what I'm experiencing.
- we have too much in America and not only take it for granted but waste too much.
- the street is an integral part of many Indians' lives - from down right living, to eating, dressing, marrying, you name it.
- the variety and experience is just as much for my nose as it is for my eyes (but to stay healthy keep your hands away from it all)
- anti-malaria pills mixed with lunch and followed by shaky cab drive can make you super queezy.
- you can almost train yourself like a dog: going to the bathroom on the few times you are "let out"(or you find a restroom that you can realistically access)
- reminded how selective my memory is: while I love to travel I somehow forget every time all these really not pleasant aspects of it (being in high alert,.being target of scammers and beggers, being lost for hours more than I'm comfortable with, paranoid about getting my passport stolen, missing ' normalcy')

Now for the top moments and bloopers of the same hours...
* siting in a cab, in a random busy street at 1 am, lost with my only contact in india not answering the last 25 calls to give directions to the cab who had been driving me around for almost two hours( oh..did I mention he basically didn't speak english?!)
* my face, thoughts and pallet as I ate street food - especially paan (this "energizing"leaf stuffed and coated with too many things and textures I can't begin to describe... )
* being pooped on by a bird...and finding the poop not only when it happened but also remnants hours later
* chatting about last weeks episode of Glee with new friends who live in mumbai
* being questioned by immigration officer if I was really Brazilian because I looked Punjabi
* telling some indian people I couldn't understand if they talked to me in hindi when in reality they were speaking english but with an accent
* geeking out in Gandhi museum: saw a hand written letter from Einstein to Gandhi and one from Gandhi to Hitler
* listening to someone play the guitar in the patio at the hostel with five other nationalities gathering around at the end of a long but fun day

Alright.... Eight am. To hunt for breakfast and then head to the beach...
Pree

Day one - in the plane headed to mumbai

"Day one - in the plane still"
Alright... I'm a bit behind on posting this but typed it on the plane on the way over...

Gosh, twenty minutes in and I'm already looking like an out of place tourist... diner served on plane... Plane food, how hard to decipher can it be? Alright, usually a little...anyhow... I figured out what was rice and I figured out the panir (ricotta cheese that I had eaten before), but then there were other things... Thank god for labels! But What is this mango and chilli thing? More importantly.. Does it go into the plain yogurt? Or maybe into this yellow milky thing? How do you eat the seeds... The packaging is all confusing... And gosh, that is the biggest chili in such a tiny salad... Oh hey parmesan creamy dressing! I know that one!
After being puzzled and determined to eat I ask my small airplane seating area neighbor if I should mix the mango mix with yogurt or milk... Turns out it goes with the rice, it is extra spicy! Oh and the milk thing... It was sweet sweet desert.
I tried a little of everything... Passed on the seeds... My neighbors stashed their seeds in their purse... Maybe it's a snack for later?! No idea....
Survived my first unsupervised, non english menu, indian dinner.'>Day one

India Bound

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~ Mark Twain

December 15, 2010 – Newark International Airport, terminal C

So I kicked off the decade and the year in Turkey… now, just shy of a year later, I am on my way to another fantastic, full of history, spice and fervor place... across the globe from home. Oh India! For a whole month! One month is certainly a long time. I am excited and scared. This time for some reason I think I am more anxious than I usually am… I barely prepared but then again everyone says no matter how much you prepare you are never ready for India. It hits you like no other place… we’ll see… I hope to keep you posted on how it goes.

Thousands of dollars spent and now the time is here… across the world for Christmas, New Years, 27^th Birthday… beaches, canyoning, sightseeing, safaris, volunteering, competitions, shopping… it is just now hitting me. I think it’s fair to say I am about to rediscover and redefine myself by experiencing with all my senses a world that is is truly foreign to me.

15 hour flight… bring it on!

remembering the edges

They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top of the mountain.
They are smiling, ecstatic, triumphant.
They don’t take pictures along the way. Bcuz who wants to remember the rest of it?
We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it.
The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level. Nobody takes pictures of that. Nobody wants to remember.
We just want to remember the view from the top, the breath taking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing... and it’s worth the pain. That’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything.

tonight, thinking of my climbs and my breathtaking moments

pree

(quote from Grey's)

coincidence?

I read postsecret almost every Sunday for the last 3+ years; i always enjoy it but it rarely speaks to me personally. Until this sunday... see, this Sunday I unfriended the ex on FB. Cut the last string off. This same sunday I read the message & response below on PostSecret.

It spoke to me. Coincidence?

Who knows... but Im taking it as a positive sign of things to come.

pree

time is gone, courage came, serenity stayed

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do” Eleanor Roosevelt

How many times have we asked for time to slow down? How many times do we ask ourselves where time went? When we are happy or sad or anxious: life and time are always at odds. Some months ago I asked for time to pass, I asked for the weeks to vanish from me in a blink of an eye. I asked bcz I wasnt in a good place and I knew I needed to distance myself from that "present" to get my life back in order.

Now time has passed... Ive been in the same city for long enough to make it feel like home, Ive distanced myself from uncertain choices where I no longer doubt constantly what I wanted, enough time has passed for me to develop friendships, Ive had enough chances to learn my job... What I am saying is... time has passed and Im doing good. Im doing more than good! Fay-ville is home; I have friends who I can be me with. I am me again!

Enough time has passed for things to fall into place. The happiness I feel is so serene - like a clear sky and a sunrise after a night of vicious storms. Inside of me I feel a quiet excitement, a voice that says "A new day is here, see the light, the darkness and storm have passed. It is a new day and it will only get warmer!" For a little while I've been embracing this happiness quietly, so privately. I've been keeping this happiness close to my chest since it feels extremely personal to me... but now I want to share with you. I know you care about me and so I want you to know where I am. I have bruises, I have scars, I still prefer not to be stretched this way again but I made it out just fine! I am back to my regular self!!! I celebrate me! And I learned something knew... I am resilient. You know what RESILIENT means? It means "returning to one's original form after being bent, compressed, stretched or experiencing misfortune". Yes, that means lighting, thunder and darkness didnt get the best of me... if life does it again, I can make it out in the other end and still be me!

tonight i sleep with a smile on my face... gnite and sweet dreams...

pree

ps: i know i didnt do it alone. I thank God and my beautiful friends - new and old.

Change: just like being manhandled by the ocean

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." Bernice Reagon

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” - Darwin

I know I am not the only person to have recently experienced drastic change. I've been talking to other who have too and there are things I saw in common... I see a sense of fear, of confusion, of doubt... I personally questioned many of my priorities in life.. I questioned 'Who Am I??' and most discomforting of all whether I had ever known the answer to that "Who Am I" question... but today, talking to a close friend who is going through something similar I understood why we go through this. Here is what I learned these last few months:

Drastic change is so hard to go through - so easy for me to stand on the other end and reflect upon it -- but so hard to muddle through the fear, discomfort, uncertainty and keep your head held high. Unless you've gone through it you dont understand it - at all! So before I tell you waht I learned, I want you to understand what it feels like.

The easiest way I can explain it involves the ocean...
have you ever been to the beach, playing on the waves? trying to ride a surf board? You fantasize about it before you do it, you watch everyone having fun doing it, it seems so easy and so smooth... you see how great it will be and you want it! But when you try it yourself, you get caught by surprise. Somehow you get man-handled by the waves... the force of the waves going in opposite directions knocks you down and the water takes you away, the waves shake you upside down, bring you against the bottom of the ocean and they scratch you against the sand - like a sandboard. The whole time you are swallowing water, gasping for air without knowing which way is up, burning your eyes with salt... you wonder why you ever stepped into the water, what you were thinking... every second feels like an eternity, and you dont have any idea when it will all be over... you have no breath, no control, no more strength... only to be left at the shore chocking, with half your bathing suit missing and wondering what just happened to you.

THAT is the closest I can describe the feelings. So... all change is challenging; some change happens to us(outside of our control) while other change is lead by us (within our control and often driven by our choice). No matter if you have control of it or not, change is still tough and it hurts. When you make the choice to change your life drastically, you make that choice based on what you know about yourself at a given moment in time (while you see all the surfers enjoying themselves). But you dont know what it will be like to go through the change until you are knee deep in it (and eating pounds of sand)... by that point it feels so unconfortable, it is so different than what you had expected it to be, it feels so "wrong" that you start to question your choice... after all, it seems you got into all this discomfort by yourself. You do not see the end of the tunnel. Without having confirmation that you made the right choice you start to question your decisions, you question your judgement, and soon enough you start questioning yourself. 'Who am I?', "What kind of choices do I make?", "How could I have been so wrong", etc... We get stuck and we forget its temporary, we dont know it will get better, we can't catch a breath and there is no knowing which way is up.

It feels terrible while you are in it... but next time it happens you are better about it.. you learn to stand up right away instead of being dragged under by the waves... the surprises dont happen as often and you start to get comfortable. Without noticing it soon enough you too make it look effortless along with everyone else.

Waves can be many things in our life... there is always a chance for something massive to take you down and mess with you.. leave you gasping for air... it is not just relocating from one city to another (like me and a lot of people I know have done)... change happens in all aspects of our lives and in different intensity. But change is always tough and it happens to all of us. We get better at it... with time, with practice, with maturity...

Some people seem to reach out for change... as if we enjoyed this terrible manhandling by the ocean (masochits perhaps!)... I personally believe we see surfers and imagine how great it must be to ride the wave, to feel the wind on your face, so we jump in... not knowing how tough and mean the ocean can be, how you have to earn your stripes before you can ride... so here is my 'kuddos' to you change seekers... I admire you, I salute you, I congratulate you for having the strength in you to make it through... whatever moves you inside, harness it because life can change in a moments notice and keep practicing so when it changes on you, you are ready! When the wave crashes, you wont be dragged through the sand. You will stand and stay strong.

and if it does take us down... i hope we remember that its only for a little while, and riding in the sun with the wind in your face is worth it...

sweet and wonderful dreams,
pree

~~~~more quotations i like to reflect on ~~~
"All serious daring starts from within." Harriet Beecher Stowe

"In life it is more necessary to lose than to gain. A seed will only germinate if it dies' Boris Pasternak, Russian Writer

"In the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself" - 'The Weepies'

"The greatest test of courage on the earth is to bear defeat without losing heart." R. G. Ingersoll

Words and their emptiness

An excerpt from new audiobook I am listening to "A New Earth". Worth some deep contemplation.

"Words, no matter whether they are vocalized and made into sounds or remain unspoken as thoughts, can cast an almost hypnotic spell upon you. You easily lose yourself in them, become hypnotized into implicitly believing that when you have a word to something, you know what it is. The fact is: You don't know what it is. You have only covered up the mystery with a label. Everything, a bird, a tree, even a simple stone, and certainly a human being, is ultimately unknowable. This is because it has unfathomable depth. All we can perceive, experience, think about, is the surface layer of reality, less than the tip of an iceberg.

"The quicker you are in attaching verbal or mental labels to things, people, or situations, the more shallow and lifeless your reality becomes, and the more deadened you become to reality, the miracle of life that continuously unfolds within and around you. [...] Of course we have to use words and thoughts. THey have their own beauty - but do we need to become imprisoned in them? Words reduce reality to something the human mind can gras, which isn't very much. Language consists of five basic sounds produced byu the vocal cords [...]. Do you believe some combination of such basic sounds could ever explain who you are, or the ultimate purpose of the universe?" -Eckhart Tolle

After hearing this I had to pause the CD and really think about its meaning. It seems that writting about it is contradictory to the message so I will keep it short.

How limiting it is to describe ourselves with words... can words ever define who we are? and just by using words, are we limiting our real selves? Yes, it sounds a little esoteric but think about it... when we say we are happy or sad or hurt or disappointed.. are we really? or do we create those feelings within us by simply defining our emotions with those words?

If this is true, it really is mind opening how limiting words can be, and what a prison they can create.

pree

Some wisdom by Jodi Piccoult in 'Handle With Care'

I've been reading a LOT lately. And in all my books I have been finding little pieces of wisdon... be them encouragement, be them a challenge, a laughter or just something to think about. I decided from now on I will capture some of those words in my blog. As a way to remind myself of the many lessons I learn as I devour book after book...

Quotations from Jodi Picoult's Handle With Care which I just read a couple of months ago, and also a few other books I read by Jodi...

* "Fault lines. These are the places where the earth breaks apart. These are the spots where earthquakes originate, where volcanos are born. Or in other words: the world is crumbling under us; it's the solid ground beneath our feet that's an illusion" (Handle with Care)

* "You put someone up on a pedestal, and all of a sudden, from that perspective, you notice what's wrong (...). You spend all your time and energy making it right, and all the while, you are falling apart yourself. you dont even realize what you look like, how far you've deteriotated, because you only have eyes for someone else" pg. 411

* "It was possible that a miracle wasn't something that happened to you, but rather, something that didn't"

"It takes two people to make a lie work: the person who tells it, and the one who believes it." (Vanishing Acts)

* "You make yourself strong because it's expected of you. You become confident because someone beside you is unsure. You turn into the person others need you to be. "(Vanishing Acts)

* "Change is a funny thing. We never are quite sure what we are becoming or even why. Then one day we look at ourselves and wonder who we are and how we got that way. Only one thing about change remains constant...it is always painful"

*"Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall." / "The damage was permanent; there would always be scars. But even the angriest scars faded over time until it was difficult to see them written on the skin at all, and the only thing that remained was the memory of how painful it had been."

"Words are like nets - we hope they'll cover what we mean, but we know they can't possibly hold that much joy, or grief, or wonder." (Change of Heart)

"It is the things you cannot see coming that are strong enough to kill you. " (My Sister's Keeper)

night-night
pree

watchout wat you pray for

As in most mornings after a fun night out, all I wanted was to stay in a vegetative state in bed but today I made myself get up and I go to church. Just walking in made me feel different. The moment the mass began with the music and everyone singing in unison, my eyes were flodded with tears. 'God, I missed you'. The whole mass was a wonderful experience. I felt nourished! For the first time in a long time I felt my cup was being filled. Its hard to explain the way I felt, the things I realized, but since I can't really explain it, I wont try.

However I had a revelation that shocked me. During communion I prayed and in my conversation with God, he reminded me of a prayer I made a year ago - which he has now fulfilled.
Like always, my relationship with God goes in ups and downs. Im absent and then Im present. And last time I was present I turned to God and with my heart asked him to help. The memory was so vivid in my mind today...
"Lord, time and time again I fall away from you. Time and time again I come back and you welcome me back. I dont want to loose you again Lord. I want to stay close to you because you are what is true, you are what is real. So Lord, if I fall away from you again, shake my world, take whatever you need to, bring me crashing down - if thats what it takes to bring me back to you Lord. Dont let me let you go again please"
And here I am... praying at night again, going to church again, begging Him to stay with me day and night... why do I have to loose so much to remember what matters? Why did I ask for this? and why am I not thrilled with how He answered my prayer? It was what I asked for... Now Im going to ask His help on me learning my lesson for good.

Pree

some days are like this

Joshua Radin

Wait right here, Was all she said to me
And so right here I stay
Time has reached our home, And I've been left alone
It's carried her away

And everyone keeps saying
Nothing helps but time
Time is all I own
The time won't stop replaying over in my mind
I watch the hours slow down

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can't take it
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days

Now a year has passed
Alone I stay inside
And I await the rain
To wash away your face
So I don’t have to hide
The sight of you is painful

hates and buts

im getting better but im still hollow inside.
im getting better but i still wake up every morning and check whether im feelings devastated, sad or just ok. Then its just a matter of time until I rotate through the feelings during the day.
im getting better but i still have moments where i blame me for your mistakes.
im getting better but i will never piece myself the same way again.
im getting better but i am afraid to tell you because you may or will just walk away for good.

i hate you can impact me like this. That I let you still have this power over me. I hate that I cant decide if I want to get over you or not. i hate what you've done and what you are doing.
i hate it when i hear you talk yourself out of loving me.

i hate that i would take you back in a heartbeat if you were willing to try and make it work.

i still love you. i dont know if i hate that today.

when the clock strikes 12 and long after the night falls..

the nights are the hardest... it is in the night that my guards are down, my mind is vulnerable and I am filled with thoughts of you. It is in the night, when all else is quiet, that I hear your voice in my ear, feel your touch on my skin, smell you on my pillow. It is in the night that awake or asleep I cant help but feel you are here under the sheets with me. I could never tell you that most nights, when I am restless in bed, I remember you holding me with your big hands pulling me tight and how you smell my hair before you kiss my neck. Imagining you here still makes me feel safe so I can fall asleep. the nights are the hardest time to forget you...

I wonder if its because for so long you came to see me at night. I wonder if its because so many times you crawled into my bed after I had been asleep. I wonder if its because at night was when we had our innocent and intimate moments. I wonder if its because at night the rest of the world shut down and we could finally spend time together.

the nights are the hardest... because it is the real me. When I come to bed, I put my guards down and its not very hard to see that you are still what fills me up, that right behind the walls you are there... when my guards are down I dont know how to pretend to not love you and miss you and want you.

but the trick is, i need the nights, i need more and more nights, because the more nights i have, the more time that passes, and the easier it is supposed to be.
how i hate to love you this much.

pree

letter to my closest friends

My 2 loves -

Neither friend nor soulmate can describe what you are to me.

I dont even really know how to express how thankful I am for you, for your love, for your unconditional acceptance and patience with me. You have always been remarkable friends - the friends everyone wants to have but can't always find. The past few months were extremely hard for me and yet again you proved how great a friend you were.

With lots of ups and lots of downs. Many times I sounded like a broken record and you listened. Many times I needed a shoulder to cry on, and you let me cry it out. Many times I took up all your time, and you let me. You gave me everything you could because you knew it could help me.

There were moments I couldnt recognize who I was and again you saw my beauty when I was ugly. You love me when I am unlovable. You build me up when I am not strong. These past few months you have been my rock, my coach, my soundboard. There is no greater comfort than to reach out to you because I know you will never judge me, because every inch of me knows that you love me no matter what.

Ayo - You are my life cheerleader; you believe in me more than anyone else and you give me strength to keep on pushing in life.
Christian - you give me permission to be me, but different from everyone else you give me permission to be sad, to feel defeated, to feel weak and once I am ready you help build me up. Unlike others, you have a talent to give me what I need when I need it.

I have been blessed to have you in my life and I hope to be able to bring to you what you bring to me. People who know me say I'm strong, people who met me have said they admire the strength and determination I have. What they dont realize, is that I can't be strong without you. I can't be strong without knowing that I can rely on you if I am ever weak.

I love you.
I couldnt do life without you.
I am eternally in debted to you,
Pree

tracking along...

its been hard to know which way is up lately.

dont get me wrong things arent as terrible as they were - not all the time at least. But then again, i hope we can only go up from here (crossing my fingers). a lot has happened, and nothing has changed it feels like. So i'll make only 2 comments today in hopes that some positive thoughts will get me better and strong...

* I was completely inspired when a week ago a young woman I knew in college turned to me and said "You are the woman who wears a superman cape! if anyone can do it, its you". It also made me feel an awful lot of pressure too which lead to a breakdown a few days later but now its all good.

* I am officially back 'in town' for a long while now. I walked into work on Wednesday and felt "like coming home" and I cant even begin to describe how amazingly happy that made me feel.

relearning the same things time and time again

I accidently ran into one of my blog posts from September 2007. It couldnt seem more relevant - even 2 years later. Maybe the message below is something I will always have to remind myself of. Here is an excerpt...

"I realized a lot of things but my epiphany from today's mass is that sometimes the longest journey is the one with the shortest distance. Sometimes the people who are physically closest to us are the ones we distance ourselves from the most. Usually its not intentional... but if we are not careful, we end up so blinded in our privilege and righteousness, so satisfied with just 'not doing anything bad' that we leave it at that. What we should be doing instead is actively 'working on doing good'... I guess what I mean is that, because we 'think' we arent doing anything wrong its doesnt mean we are doing things right. And we tend to fall into that trap more often when we are close to these ppl (wether its God, family or friends). See, thats how we end up taking people for granted, and after we reach a certain 'distance' we can just end up distancing ourselves forever.

Thats what the prodigal son is about... its not just about forgiving the sinner, but being the sinner and not knowing it. Its when you are close that you dont think of what you are doing... when you are close you think of rightesouly of 'avoiding the bad' instead of doing good and so you passively 'stay on course'. Its almost like you trick yourself into a spot you never meant to be in... the worse part is that usually these are the ones that the fight is the hardest and most rewarding."

- Pree

what do you do?

what do you do when one day the person you want to give your life to doesn't love you anymore?
what do you say when they look at you while you are falling apart inside?
who do you turn to when he is the only person that can comfort you?
how do you find the strength to walk away and build yourself up?

He lights up a fire inside of me that noone else has before. for a year and a half every time I saw him I felt myself overflow with joy and giddiness. he brought out a part of me i love. and now i lost him.

my heart, my body, every inch of my being feels empty. I have so much to give to him and yet i feel hollow inside. now im shattering into a million pieces and it hurts everywhere.

i have so many questions, so many wants, and so little answers or comfort.
im not strong enough.
im not strong enough and while i shouldnt i want to crawl back and beg him to love me because i cant imagine my life without him.

i just want to sleep, sleep for days and weeks and months until it all goes away because i cant be awake when it hurts this badly.

men and women needs

I was thinking about my post last night and found some information I thought was quite interesting. Here is an exerpt, the full link to article is at the bottom.

Willard F. Harley, in his popular book His Needs, Her Needs, has given us a great tool to do just that. He identifies the ten most important martial needs of men and women. You may or may not agree with all of them, but they can serve as a good discussion starter:

She needs affection (I agree!) - It symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval. A hug expresses affection. For the typical wife, there can hardly be enough of them.


He needs sexual fulfillment (I agree!) - Just as women crave affection, so to do men want sex. And they don't just want their wives to make their bodies available. They need to feel their wife is as invested in sex as they are.


She needs conversation (totally agree) - Not just talk about her husband's problems or achievements, but about her problems and her hopes. She needs quality conversation on a daily basis.


He needs recreational companionship (not so sure...)- After sex, the need for recreation rates highest for men. He needs time spent in a mutually satisfying activity - whether it is sports, shopping, cooking, painting, etc.


She needs honesty and openness (absolutely yes)- Mistrust destroys a woman's marital security. If a husband does not keep up honest communication with his wife, he eventually undermines her trust and destroys any hope of security.


He needs an attractive spouse (ok)- A man does not need a supermodel for a wife, but he wants her to make an effort to be attractive to him. He wants her to dress in clothes he likes and do her hair in a style that is appealing to him.


She needs financial support (nope)- A husband's failure to provide sufficient income sends shudders through the underpinnings of a marriage. A woman needs to know that her husband is taking care of their family's needs and their future.


He needs domestic support (yeah)- Old-fashioned or not, most men fantasize about a loving, pleasant home where few hassles occur and life runs smoothly.


She needs family commitment (of course)- Wives want their husbands to take a strong role in the marriage and express how important it is to them. They need to see evidence of a strong commitment to family life that is not overshadowed by work or anything else.


He needs admiration (i need to work on this)- Honest admiration is a great motivator for most men. When a woman tells her husband (who has been sweating it out at work) that she thinks he's wonderful, it inspires him and keeps him going.


http://crosswalk.com/community/singles/1206130.html