cuz i just need to complicate things - apparently

Official Notice - Im either crazy and I see problems wehre there are none, or the bf has got issues.
Honestly its probably a combination of both.

Ive been with this guy for a few months now and somehow I still feel like Im being judged, like Im still being measured and tested... you know that feeling you get when you meet someone new, or your ex's current, you feel you are being measured to see if you stack up. I told him about the constant testing and his defense was that "before marriage everything is like a test". which in all fairness is true... but you know, marriage or no marriage, if you are going to be with me, be with me! Its a freaking privilledge and yes it comes with good and it comes with bad so embrace it and quit with the tests... again, it may just be me being crazy me, but there has to be something wrong when I feel I have to watch what I say or do around someone i should feel myself with. I feel like Im ice skating and he is watching from the side lines, waiting to see if im worth joining on the ice with or not. F it! You are either in or you are out.

Maybe it is all this way bcuz I dont know if he will stick around if things get rough since I havent actually argued with him yet (not for lack of 'opportunities')... I feel like there have been a few times that we either disagreed or I said something that was CLEARLY not 'liked' and the response I get feels like he is physically taking a step away from me to reevaluate things or maybe reconcilliate his thoughts, to remind himself that maybe he should jsut stay on the side lines... it is much safer over there. It is such a cold and removed reaction... i dont know if im crazy, if its just his way of being, or if he is keeping his guards up.

I guess when you look at it its just a matter of trust. He doesnt trust me enough to put his guards down and I dont trust him bcuz I feel he has his walls up. How can I trust someone that I feel is always ready to retreat? If you are not commiting to it, then why should I even bother with you? If you have issues, own up to it and try to work it... if im just not worth you being upfront about it, then see your way to the door. (a little harsh, yes, but i love me first. we'll see about loving you when I feel you are actually in this with me)

maybe i am crazy, maybe im not. regardless if all of this is perception or reality, when it comes down to relationships and most things in life 'perception is reality'. So either things change or my mind changes pretty quickly here... we'll see where this all goes.

pree

ps: thank God he doesnt read my blog bcuz otherwise Id actually have to swallow all of this and probably just be passive-aggressive instead. (oh wait... I am already)

just another Monday

words to live by

I think its wonderful that technology now allows for people all over the world to connect with each other. That because of technology we can be inspired by others stories, and feel touched by their words, and change the way we live our lives... even when we never met.

Prof. Pausch without a doubt inspired thousands and thousands of people. He leaves us now but we should keep his message with us.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/books/07/25/obit.pausch/index.html

Others who have inspired me...



Pree

back from who knows where

oh blog of mine.. i have been so absent! and I have missed you. Between all the things that were going on in my life, I left you aside... and that vicious cycle of 'i should call, but its been so long i am embarrased' and you wait and wait and it gets even worse. But today is the day that I return to you. And I am happy to know that you still stand by me.

Lots of updates, to keep it short...
* work in europe was good but after May and June and all the work that came with it I am jaded and dont absolutely love my job as much anymore.
* Im well below average in satisfaction with my friends situation. Somehow I went out of town and now that Im back I feel like a total outsider with my 'friends'. The worse part is that I feel pretty strongly that Im not making it up in my head. C'est la vie. On the other hand Im going to visit Sasquash which Im super happy about.
* Things with the boyfriend are going well. I like him a lot, I dont know if he likes me as much which is kinda lame but its okay. We'll see where it all goes.
* Im getting back to the gym (finally!!!) and am trying to get my personal stuff back in order again.

I finished reading my book 'Eat, Pray, Love' and it really got my wheels turning. Im dying to write about it but want to dedicate it some good time.

Last but not least... the bf got me a fishy - 'Iggy' is what I call him.

off to clean the house (ewwwwww)