Thursday, August 30, 2007

out of sight

But not out of mind! I know ive been a bit MIA but this is the first time this week that I actually get to sit down and just "do nothing" for a little while... Ive been in training all week and seeing that we dont have to be in until 8.30 I have taken full advantage of that to go out and to get to know the new hire class. Our training class has almost 50 people, so its been really fun and easy to find a group that I feel comfortable with. They are all so much fun... Im a bit sad about the ones from out of town leaving tomorrow bcuz we hit it off so well, but a lot of the ppl based here are fun too.

Between the happy hour, movies/mall, crazy karaoke, HB, going out downtown and possibly drinks and hot tub today I have managed to sleep very little, drink wayy too much and have loads of fun. I have even managed to squeeze in my exercise... I biked 5 miles around the Lunken airport, did my regular strength training twice and cardio for an hour tuesday. But that also means that I havent been much at home... I really like this "go go go" lifestyle... it almost gives me a high... alright, that might be the wine talking... but regardless I know that in a few weeks work will be so consuming i wont be going out past 1 am anymore especially on a week night. But hey, Im all for enjoying it while I can...

Anyways... Im off to watch tv til I hear about tonight... work email will just have to wait til tomorrow... or the wknd since i decided to stay and just chill (or shop! heheheh)
<3 Pree


PS: I danced polka this week!!!!
OMG OMG OMG... I saw the lunar eclipse... =)

Monday, August 27, 2007

"diary of a restroom user"

I was inspired by the movie I watched today but obviously I wasnt as talented when it came to choosing a title... anyways!
So I go to the restroom at the mall today... (its actually a funny story, i promise) when I come in there are three girls already in the stalls. They are chatting and chatting away, because of course, as women we must socialize while we pee.... anywyas... I guess these girls didnt notice I came in, and if they did they just didnt care... as I am, you know, peeing I hear the following exchange:

Girl 1: Oh come on... give him a chance!
Girl 2: I dont even know him.
Girl 1: Im sure it will be fun
Girl 2: I am not having you set me up on a blind date
Girl 3: How bad can it be, come on, just give it a try!
Girl 1: There is just one thing I forgot to mention...
Girl 2: What?
Girl 1: I havent actually seen or talked to him
Girl 2: WHAT??
(washing their hands)
Girl 1: Well, he is my rommates friend but she says he is really nice
Girl 3: Oh if Mary* says he is nice then he must really be
Girl 2: Look, im just not going on a blind date
Girl 1: Its not like you can get a date of your own anyways, so you might as well
Girl 2: OH! Dont even get me started
Girl 3: OMG! Look how awful my butt looks in the mirror
(a.d.d. moment...)
Girl 2: Oh no.. you have a butt chin!

As I washed my hands after these girls had left I wondered to myself, who sets up their friends on blind dates with guys they never even met? Why do we have such a crazy desire to chat so openly when we are all "hovering" half naked, staring at each others last-weeks nailpolish and focusing intently on "minimizing splash sound"? And most importantly what is a butt chin?????

Saturday, August 25, 2007

beggars cant be choosers but damn...

For the last month Ive wanted to meet new people in Cincinnati. Ive wanted to make friends so that the going wouldnt be so tough. Now Ive gotten used to being by myself more and more, now work started and I have plenty to do and ppl to meet. Im looking still to make friends but Im not so 'desperate' anymore especially after these last 2 weeks...

Its crazy how you dont know shit from first impressions... or how people turn out to be worse than you would have thought. I am sadly disappointed to have found that even within 'adults' childish play still takes place. I am shocked that what I considered middle school behavior exists in people who have earned college degrees... I thought that clicques, unfounded nasty gossiping, silence treatment and intentional exclusion were things of uh... 5th grade? I thought WRONG! I thought that meeting new people would be great, but all that glitters isnt gold. When it boils down to it, I rather be alone than have the friendship of certain people.

I just want to get to that spot where I can pick up the phone and say "let's do nothing together tonight". I just want to not have to watch what I say or hide part of me bcuz I dont know who I can trust. I just want to get there... but I know it will take months... and all I can do is wait. Because good friends, the kind of friend you can always count on, the kind of friend you know would never want to see you hurt, the kind of friend who doesnt judge, the kind of friend who knows when to be sillent and when to speak... those are few and far between. But I will wait...
because they are worth waiting for. But at the same time I cant help but fear that those will always be a plane ride away...

In spite of the tone of my post being so sad, I had a good week and my weekend is going pretty well so far. I went out last night and went shopping and have been productive today. I'm trying to see if I go to Sawyer Point tonight. And church is tomorrow!!

<3 Pree

PS: I found this quote in one of my boxes today...
"We find rest in those we love and we provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us"

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

brain dead

Last night was fun. After I got home from work my friend called and we went to the Reds baseball game with her boyfriend and another girl from work. We had 5th row seats (yay for corporate/free tkts)!!! I had loads of beer and ballpark 'franks' and we won by a landslide. It was lots of fun but it got me pretty tired... so waking up today was quite a challenge. I went in at 6.30am for this conference call with Asia, Europe and Latin America. Had the most brain-intensive day... I cant believe I focused for that long. It was so busy... i just have so much to learn about this new project and everyone is going crazy with it too. I ended up leaving at 6pm and headed over to this neat Indian restaurant for dinner with my co-workers. Now Im just killing time til bed time. I just started working 3 days ago and my life already sounds deadly boring...
Other than that Im just trying to figure out what to do this weekend (if I can revive any neurons)... Taste of Blue Ash and the Germania Society Oktoberfest are most defitinely in the plans! I just need to find someone to join me =) maybe the girls will be free.
im mentally exhausted, going to go waste my last brain cells on tv.
<3 Pree

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I was made for...

working. Without a doubt. Yesterday was my first day and just walking from the garage to work made me feel like the whole world was right. On boarding yesterday was pretty good... other than the fact that there were 31 people in my class, of which only 7 were guys! LAME!!

Today was great but a little different. I would be lying if I said I didnt think of felipe. Driving to work, waiting for the train to pass, seeing my old desk, going to the cafeteria, ppl asking about him... its surreal to walk the same steps with such a different mindset. But I got over that very quickly. I actually got my badge, computer, email, intranet and 'comunicator' all set up and everything! I was surprised at the progress seeing that on Friday my manager called and said 'do you know who you report to? oh to me.. right. I gotta see where you are sitting and if we got u a computer'.
I also found out what kinda of stuff I will be working on and Im so thrilled... our learning budget is in the millions. Its all highly confidential, I cant even talk to other ppl at work about it! I will be working on multiple parts of this project for a few months and then I will focus on one part of the global business so it should be really fun. Although it will take a little while to get it all rolling, Im sure in no time I will be swamped with work... and im actually looking forward to it. I know it all sounds kinda pathetic... and I will probably deny all of this in a few weeks when i have no time for lunch or bathroom breaks, but isnt it great to just love work?

As amazing as just going to work has been, I cant dismiss the impact that my morning calls have had. Berto called today and yesterday morning before he and I headed to work. Its amazing how when it comes to 'being successful at work' noone is better at talking to me than him... he is just always great at getting me focused in general. i love him with every little inch of my heart and the best part is that regardless of how 'different' he is i know he loves me too... =)

But hey.. its way past my bedtime. Gotta be at work at 6:30AM tomorrow... 3hr conference call with Geneva. Damn time zones!

Monday, August 20, 2007

blessed broken road

Let me begin by saying that I am completely and utterly fucked up. Seriously, I am broken and I am just not sure how (or even if) to fix 'me'. I feel like everything is just fine but then again it might just be this exact moment and everything will come crashing down again in a few hours.

Regardless of everything I have said or am about to say, these past few weeks that I have been in Cincinnati have been good. I have been happy but it has also been tough on me. If you are reading this and you know me, you will soon see how not like me this all probably seems.... But I feel like if I put it in writing than maybe it will all leave my head and maybe I will get some peace.

In spite of all the free time I had, I tried my best to occupy myself. It wasnt easy at first but I got a routine and was able to keep myself moderately 'entertained'. My days have been more and more positive but every few days the crappy moments just got too strong. It usually started with something stupid like seeing Lady on my bed, or loosing my keys, or missing being touched, or braking yet another glass and somehow it avalanched into so much more... it was anger, hurt, anxiety, loneliness, fear, disgust, disappointment. Every time the more I tried to fight it, the worst it got... I tried giving into it and letting my emotions run wild, when that didnt work I made attempts at all sorts of self-soothing... I tried taking showers, reading books, listening to music, breathing, laying, sitting, standing, pacing, exercising, eating, watching tv... but whatever it is that took over me, won every time. Everytime this happened I basically spent almost an hour crying, being angry, being so upset to the point that I got headaches and had a really hard time breathing... usually it went away either as randomly as it appeared or I ended up crying myself to sleep. Everytime I felt so desperate and so utterly alone. Since I got here I have had at least 4 or 5 of these 'episodes'. I try not to repeat routines or do things that might make it all come back... Right now I feel stupid saying all these things, but it really scared me. I thought it was all done and over with... but last night it hit me with a vengeance. I was terrified of going to work, of having made the wrong choice, of not fitting in, I felt it was me against the world and that I just wouldnt make it... how ridiculous is all that?! But at the time it felt real, in spite of me knowing better it still took over me.
The worst part of it all is that when all this happens I look at myself and know "This isnt me. I am Pree. I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am happy. I will overcome this. It will all pass. God is with me." but the negative stuff still controls me... and that makes me even more angry. Then I doubt if I have ever been strong, or in control of me... and the doubt makes me wonder what else I have gotten wrong... which makes me feel that I dont know myself at all and that my world will reveal itself as a big fat old hairy lie... which in turn makes me so scared to loose it all alone... which makes me lonely... which makes me miss all of you... and then I look at me and say "this isnt me..."

Yesterday talking to Michelle about God was the only thing that made it all go away... long story short I feel that all of this might be my fault... I think God is just giving me what I asked for. See, a few years ago I was really close to God. I was so happy and felt at peace in spite of some really big challenges in my life. I put my trust in him and asked for His will to be done, because I knew (and still know) that He is just and that His plan for me is filled with happiness and peace. Since then things have changed... I went to church and prayed but I was just going through the motions... I was blabbing, but I wasnt talking to Him. But this whole time Ive still known how intimate prayer is, Ive known how blessed my life has been, Ive known that He is with me. This whole time I havent blamed Him for my 'misfortunes' because I know I am and have always been largely responsible for the bad things in my life. But during these last 4 years that I have been distant from Him, my most intimate moments of prayer might have not fallen in def ears - and thats my problem... Ive been wanting to take those prayers back. A few weeks ago I felt so torn I finally opened my bible just to find in my own words and writing the prayers I utter so passionately every few months. Basically it boils down to 1) being so overfilled with gratitude for the blessings in my life that I willingly accept to have it all taken away and promise to still praise Him because I am not worthy of all the happiness Ive already had and 2) wishing so desperately to have stronger faith again that I have asked for God to do whatever it takes to bring me to turn to Him again, even if it means that I must fall, even if it means loosing myself completely, because a life away from Him is not a life I could really be happy with.

So maybe my world shifting under my feet and all this pain is God's way of bringing me back to the right path, maybe its just Him answering my prayers. And so I need to just learn to give my troubles to Him once again... to trust Him to lead me... because there is never love without trust... so I must trust Him. After all he knows what plans He has for me... "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord " plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer 29:11). I used to believe this with every inch of me... and I think I still do.

You may think that Im just being stereotypically catholic and using religion to justify/excuse my life. You are entitled to your opinion. But in the end of the day, when I am tired and torn its been prayer that has ended my tears... its been mass thats made me feel whole... I wouldnt have made it these last 3 weeks without Him giving me the strength I pray for every night.


I dont remember ever being this scared before... I dont usually come out and show my weaknesses like this... only those close to my heart get to see me this vulnurable. But being so tough all the time has always taken its toll on me... as Im sure it does on you. But maybe this is what I need to do... to come out in the open and share my fears and love with anyone who bothers to read... maybe by shedding everything, nothing bad will cling to me anymore... and I can head down the right path once again.

<3 Pree

PS: I hadnt intended for this to go this way... or this long... If you actually read this and you were looking for a recap on how my first day at work went, I will tell you tomorrow... promise. For now... rest time. This was emotionally draining.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

happy happy joy joy

T minus 1 day. Work starts tomorrow... woo hoo!!! As I lay in bed this morning I realized that as much as I've been looking forward to work tomorrow, after tomorrow I will work forever... its so crazy! We go to school for so many years and now all that Ive been "preparing" for is about to start. its kinda neat but Im sure there is plenty I will miss.

My weekend has been really good. I went to this Gator Club happy hour, I got new stuff for the house (dresser, rug, pillows), I had dinner and hung out with a friend last night, I spent 2 hrs grocery shopping. I went shopping at Lowes with Felipe yesterday and it was pretty nice... I have all sorts of thoughts on this whole us being friends thing but I will write about that later. Now Im building my dresser and later I will rearrange the living room and probably go watch Stardust!!! Im having a very happy Sunday. I went to mass this morning. This new church really hit the spot... the readings today were neat (Ayola wrote about it here) but in spite of that it all felt right... the music was upbeat, the people were so friendly during the "peace", and I am considering either joining the choir or maybe volunteering as a catechist for the elementary school kids. Finding a good community makes the world of different... I think nothing will ever compare to St. Augustine's but I am looking forward to being proven wrong.

Anyways... I hope your Sunday is beautifully blessed!
<3 Pree

Friday, August 17, 2007

i just want homey food...

Ive always had a pet-peeve with the stupid ethnicity box that only has Hispanic but no Latino option... Im BRAZILIAN... that is not hispanic, so I am usually "other: Brazilian". With time Ive come to tolerate ppls ignorance on the subject... but you know, it still never seizes to amaze me... According to this website Hispanic and Mexican are basically interchangeable. Must all "Hispanic Focus" restaurants be mexican food? Are they not aware that there are about 18 different hispanic countries with pretty different cuisine... and quite frankly Mexico is only one of them. Yes, they may be the largest population but when it comes to actually eating, the foods are completely different! There is a world of difference within hispanic cuisine, so when you say "restaurants with hispanic focus" Im looking for more than a laundry list of Mexican food. Yeah you may think Im exagerating but if you are craving some Argentinian parilla with chimichurri or some yucca con bistec impanizado and instead you get chimichangas you will be bitterly disappointed... Dont get me wrong, I enjoy Mexican food... but I miss some "home" food and argentinian or Cuban is the next best thing... Maybe I should just grab a friend, fork over the ridiculous amount of money and go to the new Brazilian restaurant in town .

in the middle of the night

Last night Rachel and I talked for 2 hours and 45 minutes... it was 3 AM when I finally went to sleep. See, thats the problem when you roommate lives in the West Coast and you live on EST. I know, I know.. she is not my roomie anymore. But if you heard us talk, we might as well be. Instead of telling you all about our convo I will just give you some highlights...

Perfect Man
* I told her my new criteria for my next guy. Her response: "yeah... that doesnt exist". But she did recommend I look into Mr. Wonderful . Its a possibility.
* We agreed that half of my criteria will probably become irrelevant if I actually want to go on more dates.
* In spite of me wanting to keep an age restriction of 24/25 years old, Rachel convinced me to change it to 24-28 years old. Men are way behind on maturity level anyways.

Crappy Things Now that Im Out of College / Growing Up
* Work just sucks the life out of you. And all your friends work too, so calling someone at midnight or 2PM just isnt acceptable anymore.
* "When was the last time you got tested?" might actually be a way of hinting that you are interested in sleeping with them... what a sad/harsh reality.
* Not being able to just skip work and hang out in pjs all day or go to the beach (especially me being in Cincinnati and all).
* Going out on Fridays and calling it a night by midnight!

Things I Cant Believe We Discussed
* My "oh-so-perfect" ex didnt figure out my bday gift all by himself!!! And here I was putting him on a pedestal...
* Maybe if you dont have sex with them for the first 6 months of the relationship then they wont cheat on you... (I gotta try this one bcuz seriously this is just ridiculous)
* We kinda made a bet about how overworked and anti-social someone is...
* I told her about Ayola's discovery... "after you are intimate with 12 ppl, then you find the right one"! No thank you very much.

Its funny how "normal" staying up til 3AM on the phone feels like... my whole life Ive furthered my relationships this way... whether it was all nighters in high school, or gChats at 3am or drunk calls in the middle of the night. There is something about the night time that allows conversations just to flow... no interruptions, no other noises, the darkness... all of a sudden you connect with the other person like you just wouldnt over a lunch talk. The way I see it, 3 hour convos are a great thing.

Anyways, enough blabing. I gotta go to the gym. Overall yesterday was a reallyyyyy good day. I worked out tons, dinner was good, made progress on scrapbooking and talked to my roomie =)
Im so pumped about the weekend!!!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

i just had to share

I was watching Scrubs today and I think this video defines me these past weeks...



Other than that... there are all sorts of things I want to write, but whats the point? So I can whine to myself... whatever.

quick bites

Not really in the mood to write a whole post so instead here are some of the things that are on my mind...


The Daily Show says its AUgust 14th. Damn, my milk has been expired. I thought today was the 10th.

I went to Michaels today... compared to Florida's the one here is huge!!! Maybe americans are more crafty than hispanics.

I am SOOOO spending the 100 dollars to custom frame my art from Prague. Relocation card here we go!

I read this today and most defitinely agree... "I will never live up to the standards I set for myself" but Im afraid the standards I set for other ppl are too high as well.

I cant believe that Im scrapbooking. What is even harder to believe is that I actually feel productive by cutting and glueing sutff. Yay for fridge magnets.

My legs are SOO sore, I feel someone beat me with a stick.

The Colbert Report was hilarious tonight... talking about DNA and genetics, reminds me of the creationist museum near Cincinnati. They actually have yearly membership... how can ppl really believe that crap?

What do you think of these pillows? I might get it for my living room. They are so pricey though =(

I found these 2 blogs today that I absolutely adore! The first, is hilarious and she updates almost everyday, the other the person is from Cincinnati! Im becoming such a blog-whore... gotta get my daily fix with my cereal before I can even get out of pjs...hehehe.

My cereal only costs 1.82$ for the box... I should so stick to cereal every morning, way cheaper than OJ and stuff... oh, I forgot the milk is old.

Sweet November was on tonight... im such a sucker for chick-flicks...
"If I've learned anything it's that you should have the people who love you, around you as long as you possibly can."
<= how about the people you love who dont love you? should you keep them around? what if it hurts whether you have them around you or not? Look at me, trying to find answers to my life in a stupid movie. Im so pathetic...

I think Im going to go to the movies tomorrow night. Im dying to watch "Becoming Jane"... RT gave it a 57% but im still gonna watch it. Jane has always been just so me.

I start work on Monday which means Im so getting a new outfit but better yet Im so getting a pedicure this weekend!!! Do you know what pedi's do to me?!?!?! Wow, I can barely wait!

I gotta get on schedule so I dont oversleep next week. Im waking up at 7 tomorrow. So I better hit the bed.

<3 Pree

Monday, August 13, 2007

r.i.p.

So tonight I sat here and wrote this long post on how I felt and how I was upset at myself. Then berto called just to chat and its amazing how much perspective he brings to my life. So I kind of edited the post to reflect how I feel tonight...
Tonight I got shaken up a bit. Tonight, me (and then the rest of Facebook community) found out that felipe is officially dating his new girlfriend. In spite of my better judgment I let that get to me. It got to me and then I got so angry for letting myself care. So in order to not let it happen again I tried to understand why I cared and why it got to me.

I thought maybe I cared because his break-up email said "it's not about some girl who is hundreds of miles away". I thought maybe I cared because he promised he wouldn't date anyone since he needed "time to get himself together". I thought maybe I cared because I think he deserves something better or because I dont believe he really will be happy with her. I know that I wasnt upset because I "wanted" him bcuz I know I don't want him anymore and that he cant make me happy.

So I've put some thought into it and I am pretty sure I cared because once again it reinforced to me that the person I used to love is dead. If you look at him, to you he will look just the same... but if like me, you try to see past the everyday stuff, you see that the real person behind it all is just not the same anymore... not everything was perfect but I loved Feli because of how comfortable I felt with him, because from day one we could talk about anything and everything, because we were honest with each other, because we could be goofy together, because he always seemed so in control of himself, because he loved and protected his friends above all things, because he said what he meant and meant what he said. To each other I felt we were honest about our downfalls... how we can take people for granted, how we can be selfish, how he was afraid of commitment and I was afraid of letting work take over. But I also felt we were honest about overcoming those downfalls and being open about our moments of weakness.

The last time I heard my feli was when I called him from the Miami airport. In tears I told him how afraid I was things would change... and just like usual he knew how to put me at ease and make me smile. But since that day the man I knew so well disappeared completely... when I look at felipe now I see a different person. I see a boy who is nothing like the person I knew.
I dont know how he changed/disappeared... it makes no difference how or why. For his own sake, I had hoped that in his 'search' he would find that person again. But now it doesnt seem he will come out again anytime soon. All that is left is a boy I dont know. A boy who I could never be happy with.

So tonight is just another reminder that Im done. That Im happier this way. Next I just need to deal with the fact that Im really disappointed that I let it all get to me. I need to work on not being so harsh on myself.

For now good night.
<3 Pree

Sunday, August 12, 2007

i want you to want to do the dishes

I had a funny conversation with my bestfriend this weekend. We were talking about how "irrational" women supposedly are... I said we are quite simple to understand while he believed there are absolutely no ways of explaining our behavior. It went something like this...

Me: Just because we say something it doesnt mean that we really mean it
Him: See that is crazy!
Me: Just because I say I dont want flowers it doesnt mean that I dont.
Him: See, my ex said that. She said they were expensive and superfluous. A waste of money.
Me: Even I say that but I still want flowers.
Him: ::confused::
Me: See, if you spend 100$ on some roses yes its expensive and kind of a waste of money - get me jewelry instead. But that doesnt mean that I never want any flower. Who wouldnt like to get flowers on a Tuesday, just because.
Him: But you said you didnt like flowers.
Me: What I want is to know how you feel... be it flowers, chocolate, candy, balloons... w/e.
Him: Thats so materialistic
Me: It's not... its not what you give me, its what it means when you give it to me.
Him: How about sex? Thats a meaningful gift.
Me: No, bcuz guys always want that. And then you win too. So its not about me.
Him: If you want flowers why dont u just say it then!
Me: Because it takes away from it. Its not about the flowers... its about making me feel special. Its not that hard... just get me some flowers (or something) from time to time.
Him: That gets expensive.
Me: You know whats expensive?
Him: What?
Me: DIVORCE.
Him: lol. you have a point.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

No Fear Pill?

Today was a really good day... and appropriately enough it was filled with the most random things...

As I went through my Google Reader I found an article that I just couldnt believe... apparently scientists have figured out a "pill" or "vacine" against fear. Now, dont get me wrong I understand how it can come in handy for war veterans. But imagine when they start selling this to the general public? I can already see the tv-ads for it...
"Are you afraid of heights? Are you afraid of spiders? Are you afraid of death? Are you afraid having a bad hair day.. or a broken nail? Is fear ruining your desired lifestyle? Ask your doctor if noFearX is right for you." Then we are going to end up with the craziest stuff... for one, extreme sports is going to become even more popular. We are going to have 13 year-old-boys asking college girls out. We will have people crossing the street anywhere. I bet death rates will go up... because after all, isnt fear a natural defense mechanism?
But I guess there is a bright side... soon enough after that you are going to be at the grocery store and see the featured Cosmo. Flipping through it you'll find an article suggesting you bade some fabulous cake infused with some of this drug and all those commitment-phobic men will finally become, well... datable.

Anyways.. Im going back to lame tv. "My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding"... no words describe how ridiculous these ppl are. Its even worse than My Sweet 16s, because these are grown spoiled bratty WOMEN. Not teenagers. WOMEN. Its priceless entertainment...

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

And I thought I was broke

So now that I have cable, it turns out there is basically nothing decent to watch... unless of course you actually watch the commercials. I have never seen this commercial but its just priceless... Cash Call. It's basically a loan shark that has tv ads and everything. It's outrageous... how bad does your situation have to be for you to actually use it? Not that credibility is one of their main selling points but the person in the ad is a kid, maybe he is just a little person, but im pretty sure its a kid!!! Right... Im going to borrow money from a kid... anywyas... I rewound the commercial to read the fine print (yay for dvr) and would you believe this, the APR is 99.25%. It says that if you borrow $2600 you then repay at 42 monthly payments of $216.55. That adds up to $9095!!!
Lucky you I found the ad on YouTube so you too can marvel at this ridiculous scheme.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJMS5OrdAcg

ive asked too many questions

Im done. Im pretty sure at least. As an engineer I shouldnt be surprised at how different things can be in practice and in theory. How 'knowing' or KNOWING something can be polar opposites. This whole time Ive been asking questions, coming up with possible answers, imagining different scenarios, making lists and all along there was only one question that mattered... "does he want me?" Not "is it going to work out?" or "does he love me like i love him?" or "how should we go ahead?", see all these questions seem to be important but when it comes down to it... wanting is all that matters, because when you want something you work for it, you make it happen and like he told me so many times 'the best we can do is to want to make it and then try our best' so again all that matters is "does he want me?". This whole time Ive 'known' that this was the only question to be asked and yet I complicated it all with other things.

So I asked. And as anyone in their right mind (read 'not me') would already KNOW the response didnt matter unless it was 'yes'... you see, the whole time I looked at the answers he had given me and tried to understand... what I failed to acknowledge this whole time is that when it comes to being with me there is only one right answer "yes" - there is no partial credit, there is no blank, there is no maybe... if its not yes, then it means no. I didnt even get a "yes but lets give it time..." or "yes but im afraid...", see "yes" wasnt even part of the answer. If he cant say YES to me than it doesnt matter what his answer is. And now I KNOW in my heart and in my mind what I 'knew' all along.

Now on to a brighter topic... my day today was amazing. I drank some delicious mint tea, felt really attractive all day, this guy totally hit on me, im weighing 165 lbs (just 10 more to shed!!), I went shopping and I had a lovely dinner. =)

I get couch, internet and cable tv tomorrow!!! So excited.
<3 Pree

Monday, August 6, 2007

today is just as shitty as yesterday was great. its kinda my fault but kinda not. and to top it all my "exercise" instead of making me feel better ended up making me feel worse. Who the hell said that exercise released "happy enzimes" or whatever? Because seriously they should have included me in their fucking study. To top it all my stomach is in a hell-hole and ive spent half my morning bent over the fucking toilet. God knows why because Im freaking starving too.
some ppl say life sucks and then you die... mine today sucks quite enough thank you very much, when is the reaper gonna come by Madison Court?

Friday, August 3, 2007

just my luck

today is one of my tough days... i dreamt that felipe died again. i woke up crying non stop. i wish i could just know that he is okay, or that i just didnt care. i hate that i also lost my bestfriend. tv or any kind of entertainment/distraction would come in handy right about now.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

and it begins...

Thinking of the book Ive been reading and about how I am "feeling" today, I really shouldnt try to put my emotions into words... because well, it just cant be done. My theory is that keeping half of this crap bottled up doesnt help either so its coming out... I never stick to rules anyways...

Seeing the way things are, I finally told my mom about Felipe. And by that I mean "yeah, we are not talking anymore... i dont want to talk about it" As usual she tried to pry into it but I just couldn't talk about it, especially with her. I understand she is concerned and curious but geez... she sure doesnt make life easy. "How could you stop liking him? I remember you liked him so much... oh! is the problem with him? Was it jealousy? Does he think something happened with Roberto? Why dont you want to be with him? Arent you feeling alone? Are you happy? You sound so sad sweetie. Why dont you try to make things work? Im sure its just a misunderstanding, how would he not adore you? Why dont you come to Brazil? Come be with me so you dont have to think of Felipe. Give it time, time heals everything. If its meant to be it will happen"... mind you, I didnt say anything! She just went on and on... GEEZ Mom, way to help make things tougher!!! Of all days, today!

You know... Ive been working to be strong. But not everyday and every moment are as easy as others... being back in Cincinnati most defitinely makes things a little harder in my heart/mind but on top of it my day has been more of an emotional roller coaster than anything else. Im strong but not as strong as I want to be, at least not yet. The amount of stimuli Ive been exposed has been overwhelming. What do I mean? Today alone Ive felt exhausted, happy, anxious, scared, angry, exhilarated, in peace... Why so much all together? Well...
* The drive this morning was so pleasant I was sad when I arrived in Orlando.
* I was early to the airport, but my flight was delayed.
*I was super cold in the plane bcuz I forgot my sweater, but I was excited this guy on the plane hit on me (note to self, dont seem so young by saying "i just graduated..." as he might read "i am still an irresponsible college kid") .
* I actually made it to my connecting flight. But they lost my luggage.
* Traffic was killer at rush hour but the shuttle driver gave me his number and suggested "he show me around town this wknd" (heheh... not that I intend to call but still felt nice)
* I got my car!!!! but it took 2.5 hours AND I forgot my camera...
* I drove my beautiful new red car, but I got lost 3 times
* I went to my new apartment, and its beautiful and smells like fresh paint... but it isnt quite how I remembered it... somehow I forgot there is no heater in the bedroom! (oh boy... its going to be a hard winter)
* I took pictures of the car and the apartment, but cant find the cord to upload the pictures and share them with you.

As you can see, Ive been all over the place... but Im still optimistic =) Im getting off the bed on my right foot tomorrow.

I'm moving to the new place but probably wont have internet (or tv) for quite a few days, I will obviously do my best to entertain myself but phone calls from my faves are more than appreciated!

Thats it, Im done writing. Gonna flip through some channels and try to soak in all the TV I can tonight.

Muah!
Pree

Two sides to a coin

It never seizes to surprise me how much I love and hate travelling all at the same time. After travelling back and forth across the US last year and spending two months in Europe and then flying across the US again these last 2 weeks, you figured that I would be used to all the delays and headaches that come with travel. Here I am sitting at the Orlando airport waiting for yet another delayed flight. Why did I even bother leaving Gainesville at 6AM if my flight was going to be delayed until nearly noon!?!? And to my luck, Im probably going to miss my connecting flight... again. I bought this flight specifically because I wanted to get to Cincinnati early to get my car and stuff, but instead this "morning" trip has turned into a whole day trip. If I dont make my flight (which is highly likely) I wont get to Cincinnati until almost 5 PM! Needless to say Im not very "giddy" right now... the worse part is that I know this flight is only delayed because I actually arrived at the airport early. Go figure!
At least I bought a book to read on the flight (2 really). I was at the bookstore and this woman next to me recommended this one book and I picked it up, looked at it and decided I wasnt going to actually buy it... but oh and behold, I read the first few pages and it seems actually kinda interesting. I felt bad and since the book was only 12$ and I kinda might like it, I decided to buy it. I recommended My Sisters Keeper to her and she bought it too... hopefully she will like it, because I loved it. Maybe its all meant to be... maybe I am meant to read this book she suggested "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan" and she is supposed to read the one I did. Once I read it, which probably wont be til next week, I will let you know if I feel it was "meant to be".
But for now Im going to dive into the other book I purchased 'Stumbling on Happiness'. I know, I know... me, self-help? Its not really a self-help book just sounds like it. Its recommended by the guy who wrote Blink! and The Tipping Point. The first page caught me like the sticky stuff on geckos feet (heheh.. inside joke).
Anyways... off to reading, yet again, I go. Maybe I can start calling it a hobby now that Ive been averaging a book a week.
Besos,
Pree

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